And this I know is true.

1. I went out with two friends for a short visit this evening and came home feeling like having a drink and a cigarette. And its been years since I had either one of those things. Not sure why I felt that way... maybe it was the silly conversation and laughs that took me back to my college days. Priceless. Love my fellow mommy friends.

2. Antibiotics gives children yeasty issues. Notable yeast issues this week are AJ post UTI antibiotics for far too long, Izzy has thrush, and now I have thrush... on my nipples. What the heck? Not sure how I am supposed to use the cream three times a day but its not edible for Izzy. So we are getting creative and I am trying to load her up on yogurts and baby foods so she can have longer breaks between nursing... aka: snacking and grazing all day. (It must be getting late or else I wouldn't be blogging about yeas tie nipples- TMI- sorry.)

3. David has been working a TON this week. I am proud of him and I hear from his big brother Danny (who is his manager) that he has exemplary cleaning skills. What takes most people three hours to get the entire golden arches lobby clean takes David a mere half hour. If there was one claim to fame as a mother for me- there you have it- my kids know how to clean and organize. I am proud, very very proud.

4. Grace finished up her summer job this week on Wednesday and I am also very proud of her. She did an awesome job and was committed and HAD FUN too. Then Thursday she left with her bestie Cheyenne (on her own dime) for California to visit the cousins and have a big time with her Aunt and Uncle. (Thank you all for loving my kids always!)

5. Cole, Dominick and Lulu have been super stars in stepping it up around the house as big brothers and sister. Praise God and thank you all my little cherubs!! Lulu and Cole leave on Monday for week with the other cousins (Noah and Zoe) and a week away with Uncle Terry on a magical adventure. I am hoping that they have time to take lots of photos and share some of their adventure when they get back home.

6. We had a BIG meeting this week for Sophie with all the folks trying to help her. It made my eyes water looking around the table at her DSHS supervisor, CHAP supervisor, CHAP worker, current therapist, case aide, case manager, GAL, foster Mom, and DSHS worker, PLUS her new attachment therapist on the phone. All I kept thinking was "we are SO blessed". SO SO blessed to have so many people advocating for Sophie to get the help that she needs. This year has been so difficult but I can't imagine given the circumstances the power of people who care, professionals who not only "just do their job" but really want what is best for my beautiful daughter. Pretty.Darn.Awesome.
Sophie is moving out of her children's hospitalization alternative program (which has been longer than most children are allowed in it) and into working with the attachment therapist (who is two hours away) next week. So once a week Sophie and I, or Dad and Sophie, or all three of us, will make the big trek down south to see the new therapist who will now lead Sophie in her healing.
Its not exactly ideal as its going to be logistically tough- but truthfully- its our only option at this point and feels like a good one. Pray!

7. Sophie had a face book account that was under a boys name... his name was Jake Riley. She made the account and added a cute "Justin beaver" with his shirt off type of boy in the profile picture. Then she friend ed her sister Grace, her brother Cole, and many of their middle school friends. Why? I can think of plenty of reasons. Sophie's very keen foster Mom, who doesn't play around nor does she have Internet caught her while they were on a trip at a hotel sneaking into the "office" to go on the computer. Sophie aka: Jake Riley... was wanting to check his/her face book account. Sophie had mentioned at attachment therapy something about wanting to be a boy sometimes. This threw me for a loop at the time. Now that all makes sense. Sometimes she was a boy in her "other life". Not because she really wanted to be one, but because it was far easier to pretend to be a boy to spy on them then to be herself. Maybe because she worried that they wouldn't "friend" her. I don't know.
But the reason I am telling you all this is that I wanted to tell you how clever and patient I was. I didn't ask Sophie about the face book Jake Riley until she was at her DBT appointment last week. (Knowing that she might be able to actually work through her lies!) Instantly she said "No, I am not Jake Riley! That's my foster sisters fake face book account!"
Ugh. A lie. Jake Riley is basically only friends with her siblings and her siblings friends and just so happens to share a birthday with her baby sister Izzy. Give it away? Yeah.
I told her to take sometime to think about it and get back to me. She then went into DBT and processed what happened and was HONEST with me about it. She was clear about the FACTS, not so much about her intention (she tried to say it was because I wouldn't let her have a face book account so she had to "be a boy" so I "wouldn't know".) I was however impressed with her ability to be up front after going to the DBT that day. So gold stars for Sophie!!!

8. My back pain is getting better. I am less stiff each morning and was able to get back to the gym today. I am inching my way ever so close to 200 miles so far and I can't wait to get there. (Hopefully this weekend.) The "chart" is at the bottom of this page if you care to see my progress.

9. We had BIG NEWS for AJ today.
Make a Wish called.
They talked to AJ's doctor. And have approved her for a WISH!!!
So soon... they will come and see her and talk to her to see what exactly her one wish is. :)
I am SO happy for her. She has talked about a pink waffle, a purple slide, a princess makeover, a trip to Disney, and a roller coaster!

10. My husband has been working A TON. I am so thankful for him and his hard work. He is SO tired after the past two really long weeks. Last weekend he had all the children by himself (except 2) and managed to let the cousins spend the night and a friend sleep over. The house didn't get burnt down and everyone had a blast. What a blessing.

11. The book bags are packed and school starts in about 10 days for most of the kids. Most of the back to school shopping is done. A few of my kids really want TOMS shoes. Given the price tag- there was no way. I did find TOMS shoes in Hong Kong on eBay for $10 (free shipping). So I will let you all know how that order works out for me and share a link if all goes well!

12. The friends who need prayers because they are dealing with A LOT right now- they still need your prayers. Thank you!

I better wrap it up and get to bed. I think I updated most of the madness around here. Thanks for sticking in and reading this.

Have a MOST BLESSED weekend. Cherish those around you. Pray for those in the way of the storm! Appreciate life's little things.

Confused

I like this picture of Issac because he looks confused.
And that's about how I feel about many things right now.
Confused.
Deep in thought.
Trying to figure it all out.
Ever feel that way?

Heavy stuff going on in my mind.
The kids are all great.
I just feel heaviness.
Maybe because school is starting soon.
Maybe because summer was too short.
Perhaps because of heavy situations for friends right now.
Ever feel that way?

S week

So its been a long week.
Several get togethers with supportive loving mommy friends.
Soccer games for daysss in Portland, Oregon.
Sophies court hearing for her 90 day review.
SI joint majorly messed up in my back ouch!
School shopping for September.
Sweet husband worked so hard we missed him while we were in Portland.
Sophie and I spent a night in the ER because she is fainting.
So many medical professionals sussed out the situation and think she is ok.
Seriously her fainting episodes are behavioral.
Sleepy Izzy.
Sleepy Momma.
Significantly grateful to Leishan and Lauren for helping me this week.
Sisters are the best...I am blessed by mine!
So much more to say.
See you tomorrow. :)

Christmas in August SILENT AUCTION

Ok Bloggy friends... Please read the information about the Auction below. This auction benefits Moms who desperately need the Orlando retreat but who otherwise wouldn't be able to afford to go. I copied this from Corey's Blog- please especially check out my two items that I donated which need BIDS.
(A custom bracelet and a custom boutique portrait- that could also be used as a custom BLOG header!)
Put me to work!!

OK, y'all, here are the details! (And yes, PLEASE, share them.. via blog, via Face book, via Twitter, via whatever you've got! You can even grab the button in the sidebar and put it on your blog!)




EDITED:
In order to view the auction (which will be live starting at 1:00 a.m. on 8/13), go to:

http://www.32auctions.com/organizations/1716/auctions/1877
(No auction ID or password necessary!)

-You don't have to sign in to VIEW the auction.

-You do have to create a user name and password in order to BID on an item. This way I know how to identify and contact the winners of each item. (However, you will not be able to bid until 1:00 a.m on 8/13).

-If you make a bid and you are outbid, you will receive an email from 32auctions telling you so. (Only if you have the highest bid and are then outbid.) You should also receive a confirmation email when you submit a bid, telling you if you are the leading bidder. If you don't, check your spam mail.

-You can "like" items which will them post them on FaceBook. Your friends can then come into the auction and take a look around, without requiring the auction ID and password.

-If you still have items you want to add to the auction, it's not too late! Just send me an email at jcwaters2002@yahoo.com

-The auction runs until 8/25. Winning bidders will receive an email letting them know which items they have won. Winning bidders will then be able to pay for their items via credit card or PayPal.

-Most items ship at the winner's expense. Books will ship at USPS media rate, and other items will ship in the most economical manner possible, unless otherwise requested. I will not be calculating shipping until after the auction closes for simplicity's sake. If a winner decides, after hearing what their shipping will be, that they no longer want the item, I will move down to the next highest bidder.

-All monies earned, once commission is paid to 32 auctions and PayPal, will go into the Orlando Scholarship Fund, which helps moms of kids with attachment & related disorders attend the Early Trauma and Attachment Annual Meeting in March 2012.

Thank you to everyone who donated items to the auction SO GENEROUSLY. We have more than 125 items for folks to bid on, and many of these are lots with multiple items per lot. Once again, you have blown me out of the water with your support.

ENJOY YOUR SHOPPING!!

And more

And more beach pictures of my sweet children.

The sickies are on the mend.

I think just about the entire house has

at least "a cough" right now.

I am SO over it.

My hubby has been off all week

from either illness or permit issues on the job.

I am SO over it too.

And SO ready to get back to normal life.

With healthy children.

And a healthy hubs.

And feeling 100% myself.

Sick Again Izzy

Sweet Isabella.

This little dress was the first thing that I bought when I found out I was pregnant with you last summer. I must have known I was having a girl and that it would fit you perfectly one year later. I am so sorry that your sick again.Its a rough time for a wee baby in this house o' germs.Summer colds are no fun, especially those that turn into pneumonia.

This week both you and your daddy have pneumonia and terrible fevers. And most of your other brothers and sisters have a cough. So its not been a very fun week here at our home. Its been hard for you to nurse with such a stuffy nose so its been good that your now eating some "table" foods too.You especially love peaches, watermelon, and baby yogurt. You aren't too fond of banana, avocado or peas, but I will keep on trying.

Even when your sick your such a blessing to us all.

I love your chubby little cheeks.

And seeing how TALL you are- 97th% for your age.

Long leggies just like your Mom and Dad.

You keep us together and make us see light in the darkness.

Your such a little gift from God, even when your sick and fussy.

We all love and adore you oh so much.

Get better soon little love.



Davey

 Happy Birthday my 17 year old

Davey Boy. :)

I was so happy to see you and your friends

at the beach, celebrating your birthday,

and meeting your "crush".

(Can you guess which young lady is his crush?)

David is now 17 years old

and starting his first "real" job

at the Golden Arches where his

big brother Danny is a manager and is his boss.

We hope David loves his job SO

much that he can't wait to graduate and
GO TO COLLEGE.

(hint hint)

(see those eyes rolling?)

"Mom!! Stop it!!"

You had the most perfect evening and lovely sunset to celebrate

YOU- our perfect son.

Happy 17th Birthday David!

L.I.R.

Tonight Sophie texted me with this picture that she made.
I adore when my children leave little "I love you" notes inside my day planner anonymously. :) Or when they write me letters. Or even when they have written LOVE in the dirt on the van windows.But to have your child with Reactive Attachment Disorder make a picture that says "Love is Real"- stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes.
Does she get it? That love really is REAL. That love really is forever.That she is missing us? Missing me? Does she want to let her guard down and let us love her? Is her desire to be a part of this family, a part of "us" mean so much to her that she is finally able to put aside her mental illness and be a part of us? Is her desire greater than her illness and her fears?
I do hope and I do pray that we are working in the right direction.
Because I love love.
And I love my children- all of them.
And Love is Real. And really forever.
L.I.R.

Joy in my Heart

Today is Joys 7th Birthday.
And to say "we miss her", doesn't adequately describe the feelings of loss that I have.
I don't talk about Joy often because its just still too raw and painful. I feel so blessed for the year that we had together and I know 100% that Gods plan for Joy was to return to her previous family and find the rest of her healing with them.
I am glad that she is with them and doing well and it was a blessing to talk to her today on her big birthday. She hadn't yet opened her gifts from us but did ask when her sister Grace was going to come and visit her. We hope that by next summer Joy will be settled enough with her attachment issues that visiting might be a good idea for us all. She has been recieving intense in home therapy with her family. It has done wonders for them all and where they were when Joy came to live with us they are far far away from, and in a much better place now.

I also wanted to mention that about it being scorching hot here at 75 degrees... I know thats not really hot. Most of the people here in the Pacific NW have been joking about when summer might actually be coming our way since we have had ONLY ONE day over 80 so far.

Praying for rain for all of you in the drought! And may our more comfortable temperatures come your way.

So proud

I am such a proud mother.
I am so proud of my children, they are all hard workers.
I am especially proud of Grace.
Not for this wild night "out on the town" (aka- renting a movie and having a sleepover) with her friends Cheyenne and Natalie. They are such silly girls with strong confident heads on their shoulders... I couldn't help but take a few pictures that I will delightfully share with them in a few years to mortify them all. :)

 Anyhow- getting back to being proud...
Grace started a job last week.
A FULL TIME JOB.
40 hours a week... and she is 14 years old.
She was selected out of many applicants to be one of six teens to work with the Department of Ecology this summer cleaning up the highways in our county. So in the scorching heat (75 degrees still here folks)- she is wearing boys camo boots and jeans walking around cleaning up trash from people who are litter bugs.
And she is the youngest person on her "team".

Grace wakes herself up each morning at 5:30am.

Makes her lunch and gets ready for her day.

Her ride comes at 6:30am.

She works until the late afternoon (*physical labor).

Comes home for two hours and spends that

time resting, doing her laundry, and helping the family.

Then she leaves for soccer practice.

Where she spends 2 hours playing soccer.

She comes home exhausted.

Why would she want to take on this four week job without glory?
To gain experience and she is getting paid.
The money will help pay for her soccer uniform ($400).
These select soccer people don't mess around and despite them being sponsored its still near $400 for the whole "kit". Grace will also pay for her cell phone with her money, having a little spending money for the school year... AND she is going with her dear friend Cheyenne (in blue above) to California for two weeks once the job is over to visit her cousins- all on her own dime.

I am super proud of my Gracie girl.
She has got it together- despite her wild appearance!


Thanks everyone for giving me your thoughts about "secrets".
I really appreciate everyones insight. Many Blessings!!!

Secrets

**Please note that names and events have been changed in this post to protect privacy**

I have always wrestled with how much to share with my children about their pasts. I have always wanted to be able to be honest but to never make them feel as if they are damaged or if they have to be a product of their early trauma histories. I think in many ways I have held too much in and not shared enough. I was almost that Mom that made up for the "other Mothers" short comings. There were many birthdays and Christmases where I wanted to wrap up presents for my step children and say that they were from their biological Mom because I knew how much it hurt them that she rarely ever sent anything to them for holidays or birthdays. But then again I didn't want them to have a false idea of who she was, or who I was, or how far I was willing to go to protect them when in the end that might have just ended up hurting them more.

About ten days ago Sophia, her dad and myself went to meet with an attachment therapist for three hours. The first hour was just with Robert and I. The second hour was spent also with S. in the room with us and the final hour was with all of us reviewing S's tests that we had done in the prior weeks leading up to the appointment. When S. came into the room with her Dad and I, she quickly realized that she wasn't going to be able to charm and manipulate the therapist. The attachment therapist took a very "matter of fact" approach with S. and wasn't about giving extra warm fuzzies etc. This of course made S. shut down. She sat, cried, and closed her eyes not willing to look at anyone.

I felt bad for S. of course but I also felt validated in that a professional was finally seeing through her "fake self" and getting to her core. Finally someone was really going to lay things out there for her to decide if she wants to work to get better and be a part of this family. Finally it wasn't about US and HER and it was just about HER mental health. We (her parents and family) HAVE been doing the work, putting in the hours and hoping against hope that she would get better and she has spent this time just gliding through therapies and interventions and sinking lower and lower with behaviors and actions in trying to rip this family apart.

After S. had shut down for five minutes straight and we all sat in awkward silence with the therapist asking again and again in a monotone voice "you want to go home because..." "you want to go home because...." "your not at home because...." etc. the therapist brought out a doozie...

"Are you waiting for Donna? Do you know who Donna is?"

Sophie replied "No, I don't know Donna, I don't know anything about Donna because no one will tell me ANYTHING about Donna."

(Donna of course is her biological Mother. And why S. doesn't know much about Donna is because there isn't that much positive to say. And because S. never asks about Donna. If she had asked about her I would have shared some things in a gentle way.)

Then the therapist let S. know that she had a whole stack of paperwork from her Mom and Dad about Donna and that she could read it to her if she wanted to know more. The stack of paperwork that she was referring to was the packet of information that we received from the county where we adopted S. It listed all the pertinent history of her biological Mom and about how Donna was raised by people other than her parents, how Donna has an extensive mental health history and about how Donna lost her own children and how S. was taken into foster care after 11 separate investigations about the care that she was receiving from Donna- or lack there of.

The therapist started reading... the first part was all about Donna's appearance, her height/weight, hair color, education etc. S. was very attentive and interested. Then the therapist went on to some of the harder things and S. started to cry. I felt my face getting red and I wanted to reach out to S. but I knew that it wasn't the time to do so, that she needed to process these things on her own. (We were following the therapists lead on this!) Then the therapist asked S. if she wanted her to continue and S. surprisingly said YES!

Then the therapist shared the toughest things. The things that reminded me just how far my children have come from the life that they once had. We listened about how Donna had made allegations of sexual abuse before and how those allegations were always unfounded. About how Donna wanted to get her children back but wasn't willing to do the work she needed to do in order to get her children back. The therapist paused after sharing those facts and asked S...

"Who does that sound like? Someone who wants a family but isn't able to really do the work it takes to have a family?"

S. replied.. "It sounds like me."

There was a profound amount of history about s*xual things and the therapist opened up with S. about some of the issues that she has now with boys and men, and especially with her dad. The therapist pointed the finger back at Donna and away from us, Mom and Dad to why S. has these types of fears. They are justified and real to S. and frighten the heck out of her. Asking a child of 13 to be able to process those fears and delusions is tough... its hard for me to process as an adult. S. expressed how she didn't want to be like Donna anymore. And we could all see full circle the pain she endured, the trauma she suffered, the reasoning for why she is the way she is.

We then spent time talking about the reasons that S. wants to come home. All of which have to do with siblings. We talked about being a family unit- the Mom and Dad and the siblings and that we are all coming together in this deal. Its take all or take none. It was clear to us all how S. has triangulated her dad and I, and how much she wants me and certain siblings in her life but others she could do without.

I walked about from the first day of therapy feeling good. We were getting somewhere. We were all talking about what happened and able to open up about how we feel. The walking on eggshells was over with. Now we have to wait for the special funding request to get approved before we start driving two hours, each way, once a week for therapy. The therapy is for Sophie but her father and I will always be in the room with her. We will also be bringing the siblings along at some point to try to heal those relationships which are so shattered.

I wonder if I had shared more about Donna earlier in S's life if it would have mattered. If it would have allowed her to have a more realistic view of her biological Mom and perhaps helped her to understand her own issues more. I wonder if my protected S. had really hurt S. in someways. We don't share many things with our children about their histories when it could hurt them. We share positive things and they are aware that things weren't good or else they wouldn't have been in foster care etc. but the gory details that even make me cringe are something we haven't shared.

So that brings me to a question for you all. How do you handle keeping "tough" stuff from your children? Or do you share everything? Is the way in which you share candid and open? Or more age appropriate and sensitive? At what point is it appropriate to tell all if ever?

I share this with you all because its good to stop and think about secrets and how they affect our children's lives. Sometimes we get so caught up in day to day life we don't stop to think about the emotional side of parenting children with early trauma and how their histories have affected who they are- even if we want to squash that part of them and bring out only positive.