Love is

 As seen with my phone this week... Love is...
Big brother Dominick singing to his grouchy baby sister Izzy.
She loves her big brothers- especially when they sing to her.

Love is

 Licking the beater

and making cookies with Mom

(butterscotch oatmeal yum)

 Love is... Isaac visiting the dentist and not having any cavities!
Yeah Issac.
Love this boy and his honesty... he shows me lots of wrinkle cream
commercials and tells me "you need that Mom!"

Love is baby Izzy taking a nap without Mom or Dad holding her.

Yes, its been far too long that she slept more than an hour

*during the day* without someone holding her.

Love is big sister Leishan coming to visit

and have dinner and her jumping right

in without being asked with a new hairdo

and some advice for her little sister Lulu..

"Lulu- you need to start taking care of your hair!"

(She sounded just like a MOM.)

I am so proud

of Leishan and how far she has come over the past

few years! She is going back to school soon for nursing.

Not sure if you can see them well..

but LOVE IS

definitely watching these three

(Jude, AJ and Isaac)

at the Jungle Play land having a big time.

The laughter was contagious!

Yippeeee!

The week so far has brought many good things.

Regarding AJ.
We have answers!
Her feet are swollen because she has
stress fractures. Apparently the x-ray
at the doctors office isn't up to par with
the one down at the children's hospital..
because they didn't see the stress fractures here.
But we have gotten her AFO's "blown out"
to fit over her swollen feet and we expect
it to take six weeks or so for the swelling to go down.

How does this happen you wonder?
Because AJ has limited feeling in her feet
her bones just aren't as strong as they should be.
So casting them for many weeks to straighten
them out and then taking the casts off and
having her walk around and behave just like
a typical five year old was enough to cause
the stress fractures. I wish that I had known this
could happen. We have only had the "babies" serial
casted and never our kiddos when they are "bigger".

My husband ended up having the week off due to

some project delays so its been nice having him

here this week. The gym was running a special for $5

you could add new members to your membership

so we added Grace, Cole and David.

Its been fun going to work out with them

and a good time for some bonding with the teens.

I had dinner the other night with my biggest girls

Leishan and Lauren

(and Jude and Izzy too)

It was good to catch up with them

and to talk things through with Lauren.

Danny (who is a manager over at a local

fast food place) was able to get David a job!

So David is going to start his first job next

week just days before his 17th birthday!

David hopes to be able to get his drivers

license and insurance so he can buy his first car.

Grace also starts her summer job tomorrow

with the Youth Ecology Corps.

She will be working for four weeks cleaning

up garbage on the highway with other teens.

(full time)

This money in her pocket will help

her to have some extra soccer funds,

spending money, AND for a special

trip with her "bestie" Cheyenne down

to visit the cousins in California for two

weeks at the end of this summer.

You go girl!

I am thankful that things are looking up

and I am over that HUMP of feeling down.

Thanks for the prayers. :)

On this day

On this day I am feeling a little lost and confused.
I am sad and wondering why I let so much of my life and the lives of my children be wasted by one child's trauma and drama. Yet I find myself with another child facing similar behaviors. Perhaps its because this sibling didn't get attention during those years of dealing with Sophie and now he feels that he needs to monopolize all the negative attention we have to give. Or maybe its because we were just too busy to notice the really obnoxious things he does, or the way that he can't let anything go, or the anger that he has.

And at the same time of feeling angry at RAD and feeling depressed about the chaos it ensues... I find myself missing Sophie so much. We buy her minutes for her cell phone so that she can text me when she wants. And typically that's several times a day, each and everyday. Well two days ago after the long day of attachment therapy she ran out of minutes. And so its been two days since I have talked to her. And I freaking miss her. She is my daughter and I miss her even if she causes chaos and nearly ruined my marriage. I still love her and we still definitely have a strong connection to one another despite the RAD. I keep finding myself caught up in the thought of having to go and get her a new phone card because she is now living at a strangers house and what if she needs me? It hurts. It sucks.

Right now we are supposed to be at a Haiti picnic... but of course David woke up covered in a rash. He is now sound asleep because he was up all night itchy and miserable. Benedryl is doing its job. Dominick woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And Dad is sick of Dominick's behavior and Mom feels stuck in the middle. AJ's feet are still swollen (and she is going to Seattle to the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow) and I am feeling sorry for myself... so much so that I can't get it together. That's a bad sign when I am already on antidepressants! (I am sorry Leishan and Vince for bailing today. Love you guys.)

Then we have the issue of Lauren. Lauren who asked my why I am not blogging much about her. And I haven't because its hard to write about Lauren and to stay positive. Lauren of course is my incredible nineteen year old step daughter. She is one of the most amazing young women that I know. And she is making some choices that make me cringe. She is living with her boyfriend who is a few years old, more experienced in relationships and in "life" than Lauren. She has changed much of "who" she was and what her priorities were when they were just dating. She has become someone different. Still lovely and amazing, just different. Lauren is now engaged to her boyfriend. Last week after much coercion Lauren passed and got her GED. We were SO excited and still are for Lauren. She has been home schooled for the past five years and Math can be really tough for her. There were many moments that I felt she was avoiding taking the test because she didn't think she would be able to pass the math portion. Well guess what? She did!

Last week she also got her wedding dress. We were concerned about the engagement because we had hoped that Lauren would take time to go to college etc. But Lauren assured us that it was going to be a few years of saving up money for the wedding etc. before they were going to get married. Even though her boyfriend didn't ask her father if it was OK to propose to Lauren, we felt happy for Lauren because she is truly happy. It did sting a little getting cut out of the proposal especially for my husband who had always thought that her boyfriend would man up to have a conversation with him about marriage etc. But that is life, not always how we hope its going to be for our children. Her boyfriends family we have gleamed has a lot more money than we do. They seem to be supportive of Lauren and her boyfriend getting married right now. Or eloping with them on a vacation to Hawaii (one that we couldn't afford, but that they are planning to go on.) I am making assumptions about her boyfriends family based on what Lauren has told us because she hasn't let us meet them yet despite the fact that they live five minutes from us.

Is this because she is embarrassed of us? Does she have something to hide? Has she painted us out to be horrible unsporting people? Is it because we have totally different political viewpoints? Or is it really just as she says... they are all too busy to meet us? I can't help but admit that the biggest sting came last week when Lauren posted about her wedding dress and summer 2012 wedding on face book. I didn't even know that she was dress shopping because I wasn't included in the event (just her boyfriend and his family went). And somehow that's not supposed to hurt my feelings or bother me at all. I am trying to figure out how to be completely uninvolved as Lauren desires, yet completely supportive and that's been difficult to do. I guess when she was a little girl and I became her "Mom" it wasn't really going to be forever? That's how I feel. She has a new Mom and a new "much more supportive and financially capable" family now. Ouch. I miss Lauren too. Missing your children sucks. I can't remember my Lauren much anymore. Missing what was sucks.

Most of all I miss my denial. I am not sure where it went, but it was oh so good. Life has had some real rough patches this year hasn't it? Now I will hit publish before I really spend time thinking about what I have written. Its going to help me move forward getting it all out there.

The Week So Far

The week so far has been wild.
WILD.
Busy wild. Worrisome and anxiety provoking. Fun and Exciting.
Its always a roller coaster around here.

Izzy is biting. And she is biting HARD. I am trying to get her to stop grabbing onto my n*pple with her sharp little two bottom teeth and pulling her head backwards by telling her "No biting" and then giving her a little break from nursing. However, she just smiles and acts nonchalant about the whole thing. Even going as far as avoiding eye contact with me! Since you all were so helpful with Jude and the binky dilemma- I am open to suggestions on how to get my "almost" six month old to stop biting while breastfeeding.

Speaking of Jude... he is doing GREAT without his binky. It has its permanent place on the back of his toddler bed. He no longer whines for it and goes there from time to time to sit and "have" it. But I can't believe we really did it! Thank you all SO much for the boost of confidence to stay strong and get through this. Srsly.

AJ STILL has swollen feet. Monday was a visit to the family doctor. Tuesday the specialists office in Seattle reviewed her pictures and determined that we could keep elevating/icing/etc. and give it some time. (The orthopedic surgery office felt it was reactive to the previous casts and ill fitting AFO's.) Wednesday we saw another family doctor and had x-rays done just in case... those looked ok. And then today we had my Mom and amazing neighbor put 2 and 2 together with her UTI and the edema (swelling)... this could be kidney related! So we took AJ back to the doctors today for blood work and a UA... and those both came back NORMAL. So now we are back to where we were days ago... still not knowing what is going on. Please pray. Its been a long week for her not being able to get around like she wants to. She can't wear her AFO's because of the swelling so her feet are unprotected. Even her WIDE crocs that fit over her AFO's won't fit over her swollen little feet and she slips and slides when trying to walk in her socks or bare feet. :( So prayers are appreciated. It would be great for the swelling to go down or somehow an answer to know what we need to do from here!

My husbands new project is going OK... but he was shot at this week by some kids with a pellet gun. Yep.  They are working on a reservation and three kids were shooting at him in the front loader while he was working. They shot two holes in the window of the machine and then turned to shoot at the recreation center that was behind them. Today the foreman (who is new) was fired from the job site and the morale is low amongst his crew. They are feeling really unsettled about things going on.

Dominick has been having a HARD time lately. Not sure what else to say about that... but he is really small for his age and he ends up with a teenager attitude (x 3) often. I think he wants to be grown up so badly but is still so small compared to his peers.

David, Cole and Grace all signed up for gym memberships this week. They were running a special for $5 enrollment (typical enrollment fee is $79 each) so I was able to add them to my membership. It was fun going to the gym this week with them and having that time together and getting fit together too. I am up to 88 miles so far on my 500 goal. Yeah!!!

We had a visit with Sophie and all the kids this week. We went to the doctor (for AJ) and then the park and for ice cream. Things went well and weren't nearly as awkward with the visit with Dad last week. Some of the older kids did express to me that they don't want to bother "healing" the relationship with her. That was tough to hear but I can understand why they feel that way.
We had the meeting at the regional mental health board to find out if we can secure funding for Sophie to have a bed at a psych treatment place...and for right now they are putting everything on hold. Given that her attachment eval. and therapy are starting tomorrow they want to see how that goes as well as the results from the neuro psychological evaluation that is coming soon. Everyone was pretty torn as far as the benefit and ill effects that would take place. There are good and bad in all the options. For now we are really working on the last options that we HAVE NOT tried. Keep in mind that we have tried lots of things... Play therapy, traditional therapy, family therapy, DBT, animal therapy, meditation, CHAP (children's hospitalization alternative intensive program), lifespan integration therapy, medication galore...  out of home placement with family, respite care, now dependency with the state and attachment therapy. Is there something we haven't tried?
As far as the four hour attachment eval. tomorrow with Dad and I... we have a CHAP worker driving Sophie there and staying through the day with her, and then bringing her home. Its going to be a long at least 8 hour day between the driving and the eval/therapy. We are thankful to have this help but Sophie was really upset that she can't ride with her dad and I. I agree with the caseworkers though... I just don't think its time yet. Things are still too awkward. But Soph and I had talked about going out to eat after and maybe some shopping when I thought once upon a time that things would be OK at this long awaited appointment. I know that big disappointment really got her down.
And that is life so far this week.
I look forward to writing a long update about attachment therapy and our day tomorrow.
I am nervous and excited. I know its going to be hard work but I am hopeful.

Pray for AJ

Please pray for AJ

She woke up this morning with terribly

swollen feet.

She ended her last serial casting 10 days ago.

 (not sure why these won't load all the way, sorry!)

We immediately went from her appointment

at the orthopedic surgeon to the orthotics place

to have her AFO's (orthotics) refitted.

They also made new molds for her to get

new AFO's... but of course we are awaiting

insurance approval which can take a little while.

So in the meantime we have been using

the "refitted" AFO's.

And they just aren't quite right.

She now has a little pressure sore

on one of her feet and its warm and swelling.

However her foot without the sore is the

MOST swollen. Kind of strange huh?

Her old OT was here this morning and

saw her and gave his input.

Then we called the orthopedic surgery office

and talked to the nurse. They suggested

the primary care provider since their

office is two hours away.

So we saw our PCP...

he said he doesn't think its an infection

or a broken bones... but possibly

just swelling from having the casts

for so long and now not having them.

So we are continuing to ice/elevate/massage

and keep her compression type socks on.

And hoping it goes down...

its very worrisome though!

Because of AJ's lack of feeling in

her feet she is more prone to

pressure sores and they are tough to heal

and could cause serious damage and infection.

So for now we wait and watch and

ask for your prayers.



By the way...
these cast covers bought online only
really work for a little while.
We learned the hard way!!

Buried in updates

 I had every intention of sitting down and writing several great blog posts this week about "life" but of course I got caught up in "life" and have been ever so side tracked... so I am now going to write one mass update to catch you all up.

I appreciate you all leaving lots of thoughts about Jude giving up his Binkie. There were many great ideas and we are trying them out to see what might work best. I have tried to resign myself that he is OK to have his binkie and that it won't last forever... but he talks "through" his binkie in his mouth and lately we have noticed his speech being affected even when he doesn't have the binkie in his mouth he speaks as if he does. So if it ends up that he has to give up the binkie in his own time but some of these methods limit his usage, then we will be happy with that.
Right now we are trying out the "you can only have your binkie in your bedroom" method and he has snuck out of his room several times with the binkie so far and we keep reiterating that if he needs his binkie he needs to have it in his room. He tells us "NO!" and we have to carry him back to his room sobbing with his little binkie faced cry. -Sigh- I know this first day is going to be the worst and it will get better.

Grace, Cole and Dominick have been away the past few days (along with cousin Zoe) on a church retreat to Eastern Washington. They are spending five days camping, doing community outreach and volunteer work, swimming and having fun and of course getting to deeper roots with their relationships with Jesus. I can't wait till they get home and I have been missing them so much.
But since they are away we have been trying to have some extra time doing more "little kid" kinds of things. I have been working to get ample time with Lulu (who sometimes get lost as one of the middles) and Dad has been taking the Little's to the park and movies etc.

I decided that I wanted to take the GAL training for our state to become a certified Guardian Ad Litem for domestic and dependency cases. Then two days ago I found out that the training in our county was starting NEXT WEEK! I had thought that I would need to go to Seattle next spring for the training but to hear that there was one here, and it was starting next week, well that was very exciting. Then I found out that I missed the deadline to file my application with the court by one day. Ugh. I called the court and they said that they didn't have enough interest so they were going to reschedule the training for fall. Phew. Another chance at getting it done close to home.
Well lo and behold yesterday morning they called as I was filling out the paperwork and said that if I could get the documents in right away, that day, then they were still going to hold the training next week. I finished filling out the packet. Took a look at our calender and the training dates and decided that I had better figure out if I could get Izzy to take a bottle or not before committing my time and resources to this training. (If you miss one day of training then you don't pass, you have to be there the entire time!)
I pumped a bottle of fresh milk for Izzy and hubby and I headed out to the gym. We knew we would only be gone about an hour and that the training was 3.5 hour and 8.5 hour sessions... but we had to start somewhere! We came home an hour later to a distraught Isabella who didn't want to take the bottle. So there was my answer... now just isn't the right time to complete the training and for working part time. I will be waiting until next year or possibly do the training somewhere out of town in fall or spring.
Being a GAL is definitely something I feel very passionate about and also would give me some flexibility to work while my husband is laid off during the winter months. I was glad to get my answer and know for certain where I need to be right now but I must admit that it was a bit of a bummer.

Last week my husband had his first visit with Sophie since she went into foster care. We had waited as long as possible knowing that it was going to feel awkward for both of them and we just didn't want to rock the boat. I have unsupervised visitation as much as desired with Sophie and unlimited contact. But for my husband his visits need to be supervised for his safety because of the allegations and delusions that Sophie has. So her current therapist and myself went along for the visit. We met in a local coffee shop and played a game during the visit so there was no added pressure of awkward talking etc. Things definitely went as good as they could have. But it was the absolute most awkward hour of my life thus far. Sitting around a table, playing a game, with my daughter and husband who have an intense amount of friction between one another. Izzy in her car seat sat on the table next to my husband and in between Sophie and his line of sight. This was completely a comfort measure for us all. (Not one that we planned but one that worked out well!)
When Izzy started crying and needed to come out of the car seat my husband took her out and handed her over in record timing. Remember Sophie's last allegation involved "Dad holding the baby and doing disgusting things." :(
We were definitely glad to get this visit out of the way because this week we have two very important meetings for Sophie. One is to determine if she passes the first round of the application to get into a psychiatric hospital. That is on Tuesday when we all meet to advocate for her having this option in her care. And Friday is the first day that we meet with the new attachment therapist. Sophie, myself, my husband, Izzy, and Grace (to help with Izzy) will be headed to Seattle for the day to spend four hours at Sophie's evaluation with the new therapist. I have been anxiously awaiting this day and I hope and pray that it gives us some clear answers with what direction we need to take to help Sophie get better.
Sophie also had a doctors appointment last week with myself and her GAL because she had a fainting spell at her foster home. For right now they are just going to keep an eye on things and she needs to be sure to EAT. Eating and drinking enough is very important! Our doctor is working on the referral for Sophie's neuro psych evaluation so finally things are coming together. Sophie is doing OK at her foster home and has been working in the berry fields next to her foster home picking berries. She has a plan to save her money and buy a camera at the end of summer. Not only is Sophie an amazing writer but she hopes to become a photo journalist someday.

Those are the main updates for now. I suppose that I avoided cleaning the house for long enough this morning. :)

I live to tell.

Ever let your sweet nine year old stay up really late at night... cuddle on the couch and eat ice cream while watching a girly movie with you... only to realize the next day when she is having a major meltdown about brushing her hair that the extra late night of bonding was a really bad idea.

I live to tell.

Now she lays on her top bunk having a mid day "mom encouraged" siesta (aka... go to your bed!) and she is screaming I am da-a-a-a-a-a-a-n. (aka... I am done!) She is giving each and every word lots of extra syllables. Like this little message I have for her: I l-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ov you-oo-ooo-ooo-ooo even when you act like a b-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-t!

Jude Robot Binky face Boy

We are having a serious problem.
Jude will not give up his binky.Its pretty mortifying to admit that my 2.5 year old still has a binky. Not that he's the only child who is 2.5 to still have a binky.
But he is my 14th child.
By the time you have 14 children you should have that "weaning" thing down pat.
Not so much.
I am sucker.
(As is Jude apparently.)
I raise many strong willed children but none quite compare to Jude Robot. (Which is what he calls himself.)
He is the strongest of the strong willed.

I have tried bribes.
I have only made it "cold turkey" with him a few hours.
He is unrelentless in his efforts to get it back.

What can I do?
Anyone have any magical ideas of overcoming a binky addiction, please, please let me know!

Izzy 5.2

Izzy Boo
I can't believe that your already five and a half months old.
Slow down time, your going far too fast!
You are talking up a storm these days.
And laughing all the time.
Your favorite things are nursing and playing
in your exersaucer. And of course putting
EVERYTHING in your mouth.

You have started pulling hair and grabbing
at everything you can. And you love to give kisses.
I just have to say "give me a kiss baby girl" and
make a KissY noise...and you lean in with a wet
drool kiss. Speaking of drool...
you are teething!
You are getting both your bottom front
teeth at the same time. The past few days
you have been far more fussy then we
have ever seen you be.

Everyone of course loves to shower you with love
and affection. But right now you find your silly sister
Lulu your favorite and she can always make you smile.

We were most worried about going on a camping
trip with you. But of course the camping part was a
breeze compared to the long car rides.
(Which your not fond of AT ALL.)
Mom took advice from Aunt Nina
on how to nurse you while leaning over your
car seat... and I must say- I am a pro now.
I didn't really believe it was possible!

I love watching you grow and seeing
your little personality come through.
Happy 5.2 Isabella!
xoxoxoxo
Mom

Big Trees

 Sometimes its really hard to tell just truly how large

the REDWOODS really are.

This might give you a better idea.

 If you have never visited the California Redwoods

you really need to do so.

Its never quite as impressive in pictures.

But I can tell you the ooohs and aaahs were

endless from my crew.

 Like in this picture (above)

you just can't really tell how large these trees are.

(This was on the drive through the old growth forest

in Northern California near Crescent City.)

 But when you put our 12 passenger van in front

of the trees, then you can really get a more clear perspective!

Cole, David and Lulu

Inside the Log.

Goodbye

Goodbye california.
It was so good to see you. It has been far too long since I have felt your sand, smelled your ocean warm air, and watched your beautiful sunsets... Even when in a parking lot.
I will miss the time away with very little stress and ample family time and good quality time with my man. I am so looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, not driving in this van, seeing the dog and the wild children left behind, and for blogging on my computer and not on this tiny phone.
I must admit that I have already dreamed up the next camping trip!

Ocean angel

AJ most definitely has a uti.

Thank heavens for my beloved doctor who was willing to call us in a prescription without seeing her and with us Being out-of-state. The last thing That we wanted to do was to spend the day at urgent care center. Not even AJ is getting slowed down by her casts. Love the beach. Love my famly. Love my ocean angel.

From the road...i

Having a wonderful time with my husband and kids... I hope that you are all having a blessed fourth of july.
We have spent a few nights camping in the redwoods and now are headed south to hot weather and the beach. I am feeling really good for getting all this fun family time. AJ may be getting a uti...so please keep her in your prayers. I will post more soon. I can't wait to show you all the pictures from our adventures.xo

We are out.

Thank you for praying

for our safe travels.

(We are driving through the night

so little ones will sleep. Or at least

that's the idea!)

Thank you for the well wishes friends.

Thank you for the caretakers of the house.

Thanks for the neighbors for keeping

an eye on the caretakers and providing backup.

Thank you to my kids for all the help in

the past 24 hours getting ready to go.

Thanks U-Haul for the trailer.

Thanks honey for getting the hitch on.

Thanks Isaac for the idea.

And not much thanks to the idiots

who went on a spree last night

and broke into our van and stole

things... and stole our GPS.

Your morons.

And mean.

And you have BAD Karma.

More soon.

From the road!!

Have a Happy 4th of July friends!

xoxoxox