2 peas in a pod

 These two boys (Dominick 12 and Isaac 5) are two peas in a pod.
They love playing soccer together.
And sneaking out into the playroom when its time to do chores to wrestle around. (We have a rule of no wrestling allowed at our house...but that rule doesn't seem to stop them!)


 Isaac has even picked up on Dominick's "face" he makes me when he gets into trouble. Their mannerisms are the same when eating food, when watching TV, and even when running around. God definitely knew that these two were going to be brothers someday.

 What a blessing they are to us and to one another.

Sun.Day.

Its going to be a sunny Sun Day and for me thats just enough to make me smile. Who needs anything more than family and sunshine to be the perfect day.We have one grocery store run to make and plenty of vegetable plants to get planted and some yard work to do... a promise of walk later and playing outside...new sand for the sandbox and travel plans being dreamed up and talked about.
I am afraid at times to find life moving forward and carrying on with her.
And other times I feel that we are free.
What a strange emotional place to be. Loving from afar and comfortable with that yet missing her.
Does it even make sense?

Srsly

So srsly.
The past 24 hours have been just a whirlwind.

Why does the doctors office always call with bad news on court days? Don't they read my blog?
Srsly.

Anyhow.... yesterday morning I got the news that I need to get a cervical biopsy. I am showing some cancerous cells and they need to see if they are OK or in need of removal, or what exactly is going on. When I had gone to the doctor a few weeks ago for my back I learned that my health coverage was no longer active. So I have been fighting to try to get that all figured out on top of everything else over the past few weeks. Now to find out I need this biopsy and possible surgery just totally sucks.
But let me be in denial about that for now and move on to the other news.

So court yesterday was rough. We learned just an hour before it was time to leave that Sophie was going to be there. We (Lauren and I) had planned on taking Isaac, Jude and Izzy with us. But since Soph would be there we didn't want to bring the boys. They wouldn't understand why they couldn't be with their big sister and why she wasn't coming home with us. So I called David out of school early to come home and watch them. I am very sorry that I keep having to do this type of thing to sweet David- its now been twice in the past few weeks this has happened! (Thank you David for your understanding and all your help.) I really had been having a panic about seeing Sophie for the first time since she was removed from our home. What would it be like? Awkward at best. I imagined it being very emotional as I do LONG for her often, my little girl, I just want her home with me back in my arms again. I worried that if she were at court there would be an argument. She wouldn't want to remain in foster care, perhaps she would have wanted an attorney appointed for herself. I knew that her GAL (Guardian at lit em) had explained all her legal rights to her, and Sophie is savvy, she would want to advocate for her desires. And I knew in my heart that her desire would to be here at home with me, her Mom, she missed me. I had heard her clearly tell me that over the phone and we used up all her minutes on her phone with our daily texts to one another and plenty of missing you and I love yous were being shared.

It was that fight that I dreaded. I thought about how I would react and how real all of this would suddenly seem and how terribly hard it would be for me to stay in the state of denial if I saw her cry. And if I saw her fight to come home and if I sensed her unhappiness in foster care. A group home- yikes.

I was standing in the hallway outside of the court room. My attorney and I had just made our introductions and he was going over the case plan with me. I saw her at the very end of the hallway arrive off of the elevator with her therapist. I watched her become motionless and she looked like a deer in the headlights. She recognized the women from CPS, her new caseworker as well as her old. Our family therapy coordinator and then two attorneys, and her GAL. And there she stood frozen in time staring at Lauren, Izzy and I. And in that moment I stopped my attorney and I went to her. Rushing down the hall to get her in my arms and reassure her that it was going to be OK. I didn't want her to be scared, what an intimidating place for a 13 year old who has so many struggles!

We didn't do much talking after that. Maybe just a little small talk here and there while we waited an hour to get called into the court room. I could continuously feel her staring my way through the five people who sat in between us. She was watching my every move and I wondered if she had something she wanted to tell me. I could feel my face getting red and hers was as well. The small talk got smaller and then it was our turn in the court room.

What I hadn't prepared myself for was what happened next. The short hearing was to determine if Sophie should stay in foster care until the next hearing. The Judge took a few minutes to go through Sophie's rights with her and to be sure that she understood that if at anytime she wants an attorney she can have one. Sophie nodded that she understood and her eyes remained HUGE and glazed over like she might have not been completely present with us in the room. Stiff she stayed for the rest of the hearing sitting straight up, uncomfortable and awkward. The Judge went around the long table of "parties" in front of her to see if everyone agreed that Sophie should stay in foster care for the time being. CPS agreed, Dad agreed, Mom agreed and Sophie agreed too. Yes, Sophie agreed. She didn't fight, she didn't complain, she was complacent and fixed and unable to feel true emotion. She was RAD.

Why would I have even thought for one minute that she would fight and want to be at home. Why did I allow myself to believe that there was some part of her that would advocate for US, her relationship with me. There is one there and there always will be on some level. It was painful and I walked away feeling a great amount of sadness for her. I wanted to yell at her... "fight" Sophie! Fight for this family and for being a part of it! I don't know that she truly understands how sick she is and how much help that she needs. If she truly understood that I would recognize that she WAS advocating for her needs. But she doesn't believe she is that mentally ill. She doesn't really think that she needs to stay in foster care for the time being. She doesn't really think she needs residential psychiatric treatment. And she doesn't really believe that we love her. And she doesn't really believe that we want her. And she doesn't really feel worthy enough to fight for something she doesn't even believe in.
And that was a damn depressing reminder of what the reality of the situation is.
A painful damn depressing reminder.

So my pity party food fest of a lovely Cobb salad from the food co-op (with grilled asparagus) as well as a big chocolaty Lamington was interrupted by a frightening text from a friend that her 14 year old son was missing. The focus of the day was able to quickly move beyond my moments of self pity and onto something so frightening and potentially tragic. Thank God that midway through the day today her son was found... but wow... srsly?
TIML.
This is my life.

Please Pray

Quick post + Drama

please pray
court today
doctor called- I need a cervical biopsy
lost health coverage after Izzy was born
lots on my mind
just walking through the steps today to keep it all together
enough already, ok God?

I am not alone

(photo credit)

An important message arrived in the mail yesterday.

Right when the anxiety was building and the

thoughts of the week with court lay ahead.

A rock with the words engraved

"I am not alone"

A simple reminder to hold my head high.

And not feel so alone.

It meant the world to me.

Thanks friend.

I love you

and appreciate

all that you do

always.

Especially when you have your own

BIG piece of the sky to hold up...

it doesn't ever stop you from

holding up so many others sky

right along with them.

xoxoxoxox

Days gone by.

 As the drama days have gone by...

there are so many things that I missed blogging about.

Thankfully I have my cell phone pictures to remind me.

This picture of Izzy totally looks like

my husband, what do you think? :)

 We have been completely slacking with

eye patching for AJ. She hates it.

Its hard to remember to do things

that your child hates.

Note to self: Its for the best.

Get on the ball Mom.



 How stinking cute is Isaac?

He is really such a good boy.

But lately he has been picking up on some

of the big boys bad habits.

Like shoulder shrugging.

And throwing his hands when he is in trouble:

"I don't know Mom! I swear"

(and theres lots of hand gestures and big

drama in his voice and guilt in his mannerisms)

Still such a handsome charming guy.

Its hard not to forgive and forget.

Another reminder to eye patch.

Just in case I missed the last one.

 Jude loves him some Izzy.

 David went a girls birthday party.

Her parents rented a limo.

He was really embarrassed that we took this picture.

 Isaac loves him some Izzy.

Izzy keeps pulling her own hair.

And she SCREAMS so stinking loud

it nearly scares the cr*p out of the rest of us.

Not sure how to get her to stop that.

Hats?

 We have tried really hard to make trips to the park

or for ice cream or even just errand running a big

fun time...because having a new baby means less

fun for the bigger kids...and more work...and lately-

well you know we have had lots of drama.

 This is my hand and Graces hand.

She had just gotten done playing soccer.

She had gloves on and it was 50 degrees.

Ouch.

Grace has Raynauds phenomenon we

found out last week.

And she might have something else

BIGGER going on. We will

know in a few weeks.

Please keep her in your prayers.

 Speaking of Grace...I will update you on her soccer situation. She played select soccer last year as a goalkeeper.This year she really didn't want to play goal keeper anymore.
(Too much pressure?)
Mind you her and the other goalkeeper helped the team end the season undefeated.
Well even though we coaxed her to continue playing as goalie, she insisted on trying out for field.
And guess what? She made the team for field this year.
We are looking forward to a fun summer with soccer tournaments.Fall she will play high school soccer, then winter/spring back to the select team. Great job Grace! We are so proud of you!

last but not least...Jude...so adorable.

He calls himself:

Jude Robot

Or Jude-E-Robot

He thinks he is a robot

Right this minute...

Right this minute ECOMOM is doing the twitter party fundraiser for the families who were finalists in the Home Makeover contest... including OUR family! whoohooo!

They are trying to help us raise $2500 to build a handicapped accessible ramp (eco materials) onto our home which would give Jude and Angeline the Independence they deserve and also help my achy back! :)

Would you please consider sharing the link on your face book, twitter, or blog?
We could really use the help getting the word out. We aren't doing too well... :(
Thanks so much all!

http://www.gofundme.com/ReeseFamily 

The last 24

The last 24 hours have been really exhausting.
They have involved paperwork, family stuff, phone calls, court hearings, attorneys and treats.
Ice cream.
Sorbet.
And Gelato.

Definitely a record 24 hours in the treats department.

I requested a continuance at court. The hearing today was a "shelter care" hearing. Which basically determines if Sophie should stay in foster care until the fact finding hearing (which is in June). Now I should explain that most of the time this process happens for families who abuse and neglect their children and have the children removed. There is no separate process for families who are in agreement that the child can't stay at home because its not safe for the family and its not getting them the help that they need. So its a bit difficult from that stand point just because its not the typical case for CPS, but at the same time, it has to follow the exact same protocol.
Since I had less than 24 hours between the time I knew about court and the time of the court hearing there wasn't anyway I was going to get the lawyer there. So I requested a continuance the this hearing was moved to next week. It pained me to put this off because it feels even worse to feel "stuck" without moving things forward. But there wasn't any other choice.
I also learned that Sophie hadn't been "served" yet with her court papers. Sophie being 13, in our state that means she has the right to give her opinion and help make medical decisions etc. She will be officially served tomorrow and she already has a GAL (Guardian at litem) assigned to her. I got to meet her GAL today, she was very nice.
So things went OK. I had to take three little ones with me today to court, not ideal I realize. However because I had "babies" with me we got our case heard first. I made a mental note that "babies" get priority. (As do people coming from jail. Which I hope isn't going to be me! I would rather be the one who has priority because of the babies in the court room!)

We were able to get a lawyer retained. (Thanks bank of Mom.) And I also got a public defender application turned in. We will have two lawyers so that the costs aren't as high as they might be and we keep all our bases covered. This definitely could go on for a long time.

The two low points of the past 24 hours were:
1. A conversation with a social work supervisor on the phone where I was asked a bunch of questions like... "what is your mothers maiden name?" and then "what is Sophie's Moms maiden name?"
Well to that question the woman quickly said..."oh, never mind, you probably don't know Sophie's Moms maiden name."
I am Sophie's Mom. My maiden name is her Moms maiden name. That was my reply to her. I know she was thinking "her bio mom" but I AM HER MOM. I am the Mom! That's ME!
It just made my stomach churn.

2. Talking on the phone to Sophie.
OK this isn't because I don't want to talk to her. But because we have been talking via text messages the past two weeks and that works better for us both. For her because its easier for her to communicate through writing and for me because its easier to be in denial if I am not talking to her. But today, she ran out of minutes on her prepaid cell phone. So she called. And I got to talk to my daughter while I heard her foster family in the background. It was painful. I asked her if she could go into a quieter room with the phone and she said: "I am not allowed, they want me to be on the phone where the family is so they can see and hear me."
Gulp.
I totally understand under the circumstances that she has to be very closely supervised but its just hard having my child somewhere and not being able to really truly talk and having someone else make the rules for her felt icky. I know it has to be this way but it was really a dose of reality for me. Sophie's foster home has a Mom and Dad. The Dad isn't around much, or an active participant in the parenting as much as our family. And they are an older couple with TONS of foster parenting experience and there are several other "teen" foster girls there. There is no Internet and TV only on the weekends. Definitely very different from our home but respectfully so, its probably a good thing for her. She asked me to get her swimsuit to her. That was all she wanted. She has now been living out of a suitcase for two months. (Six weeks at my moms, one night home and two weeks in foster care.)
I miss my child.
I am mad at her.
I am mad at the system.
It was hard to hear her crying and trying to hide it.
I pray she can get the help she needs faster than they think she will be able to.
We all love her so much.

Keep praying.
In other news...
Tomorrow is the big eco MOM twitter party fundraiser. Did you see the link on the side bar? More tomorrow!
And one of our other child is having some potential very unexpected health issues right now. We got a phone call before and after the court hearing about some medical tests that are looking suspicious. So please keep our other kiddo's in your prayers. Ugh. Grrr. enough already.

Todays meeting

The early morning meeting went well. We had a good mediator that seemed to help move things along in the right direction. It took a long time, a lot longer than I thought it would. David came along to "represent" for the kids and also to speak out on his sisters behalf how much we all want Sophie to get the help that she needs.
My sister came and my Mom was on the phone. It was nice to have their support. At the end of the meeting everyone agreed that what S. needs is psychiatric treatment. And in order to get that this long application has to be done and turned in to the powers that be. Its been getting worked on for sometime now and its nearly finished and should be turned in soon. Then there is an entire process that needs to happen in order to find out if its approved or not. There is only a 50/50 chance that it will get approved and if it does then there is a 6-9 month waiting list for her to get into somewhere. Children's mental health care has major issues. MAJOR.
So the biggest hurdle was trying to decide what needs to happen in the meantime. And coming home is not an option. So we talked about the possibilities. In order for her to be able to stay in therapeutic foster care a dependency petition needs to be filed with the court. Which is where we were last week and it never happened. And things go really weird with them changing us to a new caseworker and everything. But today since we are not able to bring her home for the safety of everyone including her own happiness and well being, they agreed to do the dependency.
When they do a dependency they have three options for the reason to file it in court. Because of abuse, abandonment, or parents ability to care for the child. They agreed to file it based on our ability to care for S. Her needs are greater than our abilities and we completely agree with that!
David, Izzy and I left the meeting feeling like things were moving in the right direction. Certainly it was happy by any means but at least there was a plan in place. So when we got home I was surprised to get a call from the supervisor asking for more information for the dependency papers and after I gave her the information she then said "well we have to file this based on abandonment not on competency, because you aren't incompetent, you are not willing to bring her home so your abandoning her."
Gulp.
That is SO not the right word to use. We want her to get help we just can't help her without doing this. And it felt scary and wrong that things changed suddenly after the meeting. And abandonment means that we could charged and its a felony, and it could affect our whole futures and possibly mean negative things for our other kids. So I panicked. And I started making phone calls and the attorney who we spoke with months ago was just coming back in today after being out sick for two weeks... and she wasn't calling back. Friends started networking to see if there was somewhere for her to go TODAY and I started calling family members to see if they would take her while we got things sorted out. I don't want this to have negative repercussions on everyone! That is certainly NOT going to make things better for anyone!
So I called them back and asked them not to file anything until I was sure and I talked to the lawyer. They said OK, they would wait for my call but I needed to hurry up because the petition had to be filed TODAY. So the lawyer calls and we formulate a plan. We are going to let them move forward but we want to fight the abandonment part of it and see if they will agree to the dependency differently in court. We will also be getting a public defender so we have two lawyers.
Then I called back the caseworker and she told me that they went ahead and filed it. Without even hearing back from me. What the heck? This is NOT the way to build trust and work together people? HELLO! Thankfully that is what I wanted them to do so things worked out OK for now. But as you can see its been a very long, confusing, emotional day.
And I worry about the court hearing tomorrow. The judge has to agree that she can stay "in care" why they determine the case. He might just say "no". Please pray that I am able to get all the documents turned in during the morning. A babysitter for the court time tomorrow, and plenty of lawyers will be able to be at the meeting for us. My husband just back to work for two weeks can not miss tomorrow and going this alone is LONELY. And Scary. And I don't want to make the wrong choice and say the wrong things.
And Sophie may be there and for her to hear "your parents abandoned you"- that will haunt me forever. So please keep on praying. We feel your love and prayers. There are many many unknowns at this time.
Thank you.

God only knows

Hey Sophie Mo,
If I knew then what I know now... I wouldn't have wasted any of the moments with you when you were younger. I wouldn't have worried so much about things like bedtime and cleaning and grades and nutrition. I would have worried more about just living and being in the moment with you, the moments before things went tragically downhill at a fast pace. I would have seen more of the signs that you needed help long along and I would have fought for that help. I wouldn't have listened to people tell me that "you'll be OK", I would have followed my heart because we have always known that there were BIG things wrong. And I am sorry that you have had to suffer for so long. I am sorry that even with all the love in my heart I can't fix you. I am sorry that tomorrow at a very early morning meeting I will let it be known that if it means I have to give you up to get you help, then that's what I will do.
When Leishan and I went to Haiti to get Angeline and she was dying we never stopped for one minute thinking of the consequences of taking her to the hospital when the plane landed. Although it resulted in a big stinky lawsuit for lots of money we never regretted that decision because it was the right thing to do. And I feel that your dying now, and we will do whatever it takes to get you the help that you need... even if that means letting you go. Even if it means being charged with a felony. Even if we lose all rights to you and won't be able to talk to you or see you. Even if it means that your siblings resent us. Even if it means to some that we are bad people.
Your worth it.
And I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow Soph. And I know your SO angry because you can't figure out why you feel all men, especially your dad are BAD. And why you keep seeing things happen that no one else sees and why your inner core self is obliterated. I know that God has a big plan for you and that God knows what will happen tomorrow and it will all be OK. If you have any trust left in your soul, trust God.
I am sorry that you had to go to your third foster home in the past two weeks this weekend. I am sorry that there wasn't one perfect place for you to be. And I am so sorry that your emotions are probably more lost than ever. If I could fix it all and give you stability I would. If I could erase the abuse that you suffered I would take that abuse for you. I would. I truly would.
There are SO many people who love you and care about you. We forgive you for the things you have said and done and we know your not in control of these things. Tomorrow there will be a room full of people who all want what is best, some want what is best for you, some want what is best for the budget in this state. And I will fight with all that I have to make sure that they see this isn't about budgets this is about getting one beautiful young lady the help she needs and deserves. And I will pray that they listen to me and that they hear my love for you and that they know we don't want to throw you away. We want to continue to be your Mom and Dad and your forever family. We want to see you get the real help you need and be able to be there and support you during that process. We want to know your OK and be just a phone call away for you during that time. And we want a relationship with you as much of one as will be OK for you.
It feels painful for know that with the medical advocacy team I have been able to get children the help that they need from far away places and here we are unable to get you the help that you need. And I slowly feel you melting away from me. Your stiff little body when I hug you and the awkward way you pull away like it hurts for me to hold you. Its melting through my hands and I can't get it back. And for me, I have the hardest time when I can't fix something and when I see my babies hurting. So right now, this is so hard for me honey. But I will be strong, if you will promise to be strong too?
We all love you. Forever.
Mom

Disruption

(Please note this post was from yesterday but because Blogger was down...its a bit late!)
Oh my.



This is why people disrupt their adoptions.


Because they are backed into a corner and there is not any help for their child and they know the consequences if they bring them home... that they are going to hurt the other children and the family.
Basically the dependency was approved by the attorney general- basically that means that S. meets the criteria to be taken as a dependent and get further help (like accessing mental health that is strictly "for dependents"). Then the file went back to the local office and someone internally (one of the higher ups) decided that they were going to DENY the dependency. Not only that but they took our casemanager OFF the case. So she has been working with our family now for many months and has a relationship with S. And knows the situation VERY WELL. And they decided that she shouldn't be on the case anymore so we will get someone new.


So they also decided that the emergency respite should end sooner, so tomorrow, after school we have no where for S. to go. One of her older siblings stepped up and said that they would "help" in a pinch- but they work full time and its certainly not an easy thing to just take on a mentally ill teenager when your in your early 20's!


We filled out paperwork to file in court that we thought would "force" their hands a bit and help get things moving. But after talking to juvenile court we found out that it really doesn't do anything for a dependency and we basically MUST have a place for her to go in order for them to enforce anything.


Ugh.


If at all possible we want to keep her local so that she can still work with her entire team of professionals and we can help her work through her issues. But we need to find a place for her to stay. We are offering payment as an incentive (money that will come from supportive family members). Does that sound terrible? I think the people should be compensated. The therapists and team of folks will help get her to school each day if she stays in the county.
By the way- we can't "pay" for foster care here locally out of pocket. We already asked. They said NO.
So we are stuck. We need prayers. We need to decide if we should just "refuse" bringing her home to keep our family safe. We aren't sure what else to do but we know this would be very scary for S. and we might be charged with abandonment. (Which is a felony.)


What would you do?


How do you keep everyone safe?


Any ideas?

Please pray

As of right now the paperwork has been "filed" for Sophie's dependency. Its not looking good and its really a long shot at this point. Typically dependencies are for children who are being abused/neglected and its rare to be able to get one for mental health reasons- but we are still fighting and trying to make it happen! There are many more resources available to Sophie if she is in the dependency compared to not being in one.

The other options aren't great in order to get her help..
1. Refusing to take her back into our home
(which means that we could be charged with felony "abandonment" and possibly arrested)
2. Hiring an attorney and filing in court to try to "force" them if we can get a court order to take her into a dependency

Please pray that the people who are making the decisions understand the level of care and amount of help that she needs and they understand the volatile situation that might occur if she comes home.Frankly, its dangerous on emotional and physical levels for the younger children especially. We are in desperate need of this help at this time. We appreciate your prayers.

A Mothers Limits

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mama's out there.

This week I have been in a great deal of denial. As you all know, last week Sophie came home from my Moms where she had been for six weeks. During the six weeks that she was gone we worked with the therapist on family therapy, and with the older children on understanding their sister, and with the little ones about their feelings too. My husband and I worked on our communication and got back together as a team. We worked on healing from the nightmare that occurred the week Izzy was born.We had even planned along with Sophie a ceremony and celebration for Izzy and our family. A rebirth perhaps to take a dark week in our lives and make it into a happy memory for us all. Sophie was working on the poem for the ceremony while she was at my Moms. And all in all, things went really well. Perhaps too well. It was a taste of freedom. Freedom from daily drama that was typical around here having a child with serious mental health issues.

This of course doesn't mean that we didn't miss Sophie or that we didn't want her to come home, but it was the first time in a long time that we could all just let our guard down. We didn't realize that we had been living from one incidence to another just waiting for the next thing to happen. Not planning to much in advance just in case something happens or someone is having a rage etc.

So naturally there was anxiety about Sophie coming home but there was also a great deal of excitement to see her. Her Dad along with Lulu and Angeline made the trek two hours to pick her up from the airport and bring her home. This was a Saturday afternoon. We spent the next 22 hours having a wonderful time. It was apparent that Sophie was trying really hard to help out and spend time with each of the little kids who were fighting over who was going to get to sit next to her etc. I know that made her feel really special. And on Saturday night when the bigger kids were going down to the fields for a soccer game they asked her to come along and jog and play with them. They were all getting along so well and it had been a really long time since things seemed to mesh so well.

I had some great fears about Sophie hurting Izzy. I know that having Izzy was a huge trigger for Sophie and her behaviors and there were times that I truly didn't know if I could trust her or not. Coupling that with a hefty dose of PPD (post par tum depression), I was paranoid she was going to hurt the baby. But on Sunday after everyone left for a walk... Sophie and I had some time alone together with Izzy. I let her hold Izzy and she nestled her face into the babies hair and smelled her sweet innocence. She closed her eyes and I could feel the happiness that she felt finally getting a moment alone with her baby sister. And Izzy of course melted right into Sophie's arms. It was all coming together, and it all felt SO good.

My Mom called to check in on things and we laughed at how well things were going and reminded ourselves that this might be a honeymoon but we will take it while we can have it! Sunday afternoon we decided that we would take everyone for dinner and some shopping at the C*stco. Everyone was rushing about getting ready to go and my husband was standing next to me holding Izzy while I balanced the check book. And then I got a text message...

It was from Grace and Cole. Sophie had just gone downstairs and made allegations to them against her Dad. Sophie said something horrific and completely inappropriate that I won't be repeating that her Dad was doing "while holding the baby." I felt the blood drain from my face while I read the text message. I felt my hands go numb and I dropped my phone. This wasn't happening again. Things were going so well!

Sophie had spent weeks learning that she needs to share when she feels triggers coming on. Basically she is triggered by ANY males including her father and brothers. She gets images in her head of them doing horrible things and then can't differentiate reality from the delusions. She really believes that these things are happening. Or she really has everyone convinced that she is seeing and believing them and knows that they aren't happening but has learned she gets a really big reaction when she says them.

We immediately pulled her aside and talked to her. She had been seeing her Dad do this nasty and totally inappropriate thing several times since she got home 22 hours earlier. And she was ticked that no one else was seeing it or would admit that it was going on. (Because of course it wasn't going on! But she was intent on telling us all that we are liars and we know its happening but won't admit it!) Her mind and emotions dominate her reality.

I know this makes no sense. I know this is terrible to wonder what might have happened in her life that makes this trigger happen again and again. I wonder about other times things "happened" how much control she had or if she was disassociating and not realizing she was doing it. Like putting cleaner in my drink while I was pregnant or putting pennies in the strawberries and passing them out to the little kids and then insisting that they came that way from the grocery store. Does she do things on purpose? Or does she not?

Either way we knew that we had to call her on call therapist and have her removed from our home. Did I mention that Grace and Cole had a friend over when Sophie told them this allegation?  Yes...oh the embarrassment! So my husband took all the kids (except David and Izzy) for Ice cream so that they weren't here to witness anymore terror and Sophie went to her bed in hysterics. I knew in my heart that it didn't really matter if Sophie was having some serious RAD behaviors or if she was delusional and in a state of psychosis...either way this mental illness is killing her life.

It was at that moment that my heart broke for her. And when I sat in a state of shock realizing that I had hit my limit. I had to make swift decisions to protect the rest of the family, ones that would bring me to my current state of denial about our future with Sophie in our home. The therapist arrived, Sophie was told she was going to respite for a few days, her story got "bigger" with the allegations of sexual inappropriateness of the males in her home and she managed to get a tattle or two in on one of her female siblings (just cause someone was listening and she suspected who told her lies to Mom and Dad), she grabbed a bag of things, I passed off her medication to the therapist... and she left without saying goodbye.

It was agreed that Sophie can't be at any home that has males in the home and that being with a single Mom without any other children would be best. She has been going between two respite care homes for the past week. Of course the allegations were reported to CPS and they didn't even investigate them because they were so off the wall and because now everyone is aware of the seriousness of the mental health issues. Robert and I talked to our families about the situation and gave everyone our feelings...that it was too much for even us to handle, it was too much for them to handle too. They all agreed despite loving Sophie, that this was the line, it had been crossed without even a warning.

I let it be known throughout the week that Sophie was not going to be able to come home. Even if it took us leaving with the rest of the kids and not being here- she could not come home. We firmly feel that she is capable of hurting herself or one of the other children, not to mention the emotional abuse that they have all suffered. I had a gut feeling that no one was going to be able to help us despite our pleas...because honestly in the past when we have been at this point before there aren't often any other choices but to bring her home.

We had a big meeting mid week with CPS and all the therapists and no one argued. No one disagreed that it was NOT a good idea to bring Sophie home. I was all geared up for a fight to get her more intensive help...but they were willing to offer it without my fight! They are petitioning the state for custody of Sophie. This temporary custody will help them to be able to put her into residential treatment, a female group home with intensive therapy, or an appropriate mental health foster home. She will always and forever be our child but she might not be able to ever live in our home again. Only time will tell what will happen depending on what help she can get and where we can all go from here. It is evident that she loves us, but isn't comfortable here either.

It is hard to really think about things. It is hard to admit that I can't fix her nor can I help her more than we have tried. I feel that we have tried everything and that we have prayed for the kind of help she needs but accessing it isn't possible without an endless supply of money or having her become a dependent upon the state to get her that help. This is a suck suck suck situation. We love her desperately and that is why we made this decision. That doesn't mean that we aren't in one continuous state of denial about everything. Denial is the only place we can be at the moment so we can still function.

It's Mothers Day and I gave my child away. Or I am trying to give her way. Her needs are greater than my resources. Her needs are bigger than the limits I have. My love is limitless and she will always have that. But I will no longer sacrifice the rest of the children, my marriage and our family to help her.

I don't share Sophie's situation to embarrass her or shame her. I share it because I want people to realize how much RAD affects and destroys children and families. I want you to pray for her, and I want you to pray for our family. And I want you to also be given permission to know your own limits. I truly believe that because I know my limits and am able to say "enough" that makes me a better mother, not a worse one.

Happy Mothers day to you and to me too.

Momma got back

Ouch.
This Momma has back pain.
Yesterday while chatting on the phone and running about picking up, I bent down to pick up Izzy without bending at the knees... I bent at the waist. Which is the WRONG way to pick up something, or someone. Instantly I knew that something big was wrong because there was a HUGE pain in my lower back and I felt "stuck". My friend on the phone offered to come to my aid and I just took a few minutes to breathe deeply and slowly so that I could flop over on the couch.
The day went on and I had to be able to function. I took as much ibuprofen as I could and sucked it up. I had three little ones who had "shot" appointments. David came with me and carried Jude and Izzy while I walked with AJ and Isaac. I was so thankful he and our dear Nurse friend Mary did the heavy lifting. I just chalked the pain up to a couple things, repetitive heavy lifting of many small children and some not so small ones who still need to be lifted many times a day because of mobility problems... lack of being in shape... weeks of not lifting so much because my hubby was home to take care of the lifting and I was recovering from the c-section...and of course then there is the fact that my back has been carrying a great deal of the strength in my body since my belly muscles aren't fully recovered.
So last night sleeping was horrible. My husband woke up twice in between the little ones to rub "tiger balm" on my back and did all the lifting of Izzy to and from me. He even helped me in and out of bed so I could use the bathroom. I am not sure what I would have done without him. So today I knew that I had to see the doctor. The verdict is that I have a slipped disc, sciatica and a pinched nerve. There isn't much I can take since I am breastfeeding but after some days of laying really low I will know if I need to get an MRI and further care or if I can heal on my own.
My dear sister who is still recovering from major knee surgery offered to come over this week and help me when she can. She is a much better sister than I am (since I only managed to take her dinner once and didn't even help her at all post surgery.) Anyhow... hopefully I am better soon and at least able to manage here at home without help. The lifting of the kids is really a big issue though!!

Thank you all for the paper organization advice. I am motivated to get a good system into place and I definitely agree that as soon as you get lazy with the systems it really gets out of control. I so need to let go of keeping so many of the kids papers and I loved the idea of taking pictures of things and not keeping the actual pictures.

The good news is that I might get caught up on blogging and on reading if I can't move around much. There is always a silver lining!

Ramble On

(Grace and Ally...aka "Herman and Mabel"

dressed up for youth group contest)

Life has been, well...interesting lately.

Soon I will be able to get all my thoughts organized

and explain some of the "stuff" going on.

Some good, some bad.

But for now, I will ramble on.

Tomorrow three kids go for shots.

Angeline, Jude and Isaac

I couldn't find two of their shots records...

because I "put them aside" to remember to

get the shots done. Now I can't figure out where

I put them aside to.

Does anyone have any good tips on organizing

paperwork? Its definitely my down fall. And

with this many kids a big issue of mine.

What do I keep and what can I recycle?

How many special papers from school

do you all keep?

How do you keep them organized?

What about paid bills?

(We use bill pay but most places STILL

send us a bill each month.)

And how about other paperwork?

Why are there so many papers all the time?

Birthday parties.

Ugh.

Isaac has been invited to every ones party

in his whole class.

I must admit I haven't let him go to any yet.

Mostly because I am lazy.

Secondly because AJ doesn't get invited

to any parties to any of her classmates EVER.

I don't want her feeling bad.

I also don't want to let him go without

me being there. He's only five for Pete's sakes!

But this weekend I might let him

go to the first one. Although I haven't even

RSVP'ed yet. And it might be too late.

And its on the other side of town.

(Woe is me. lol)

Izzy has slept through the night the past two nights.

From about 10pm-5am.

Can you believe it?

She had a late nap today so she will be up later.

She might sleep later?

Jude on the other hand STILL

hasn't slept through the night the past two nights.

Cole is doing track.

David's soccer season just ended.

Grace is doing school soccer.

And has try outs for select soccer

on Sunday.

Yes, its Mothers Day.

Guess where I will be?

(Nail biting in the car with Izzy waiting

for Grace and Miss Ally above to get done

with the try outs.)

Grace doesn't want to play "keeper" anymore.

She is super talented at goal keeper but

its just not so fun for her.

So she is trying out for field.

She is good, but this is highly competitive.

I am definitely going to have some stomach

ailments between now and then worrying about it.

Isaac and AJ are playing TOP soccer.

(Soccer for kids with disabilities.)

Isaac qualified because of speech issues.

They love it.

Last week they wanted me to buy them shin

guards. And its indoor, and its mild, and

really they don't need shin guards.

So I convinced them that a water bottle

was a much better buy. And bought

them each really cool new eco-friendly

water bottles. So this week the first thing that

they did was to tell on me and get some

shin guards loaned to them from the leaders.

"Our Mom didn't buy the shin guards!!"

cute.but embarrassing.

OK this session of "Ramble On" is about finished for the night.

Sleep well.

Goofy Grace

 After a very long day yesterday this is what I found

in my inbox this morning.

My goofy Grace.

Always trying to make me smile

and lightening my mood.

I love this girl.



A Buddy Adventure

If you didn't know about my Buddy already-

I want to let you know that she is my very oldest

best friend in the whole wide world.

(Not that she is "old"- our friendship is OLD though!)

Since we were 12 Amy and I have been super duper close.

But now we live on opposite sides of the country

so it was a super exciting big deal that the Buddy

was coming to visit with her whole family.

Maria and Ava are very special to me.

Ava is my god child and that in and of itself

is incredible! But we just can't seem to get

together without endless laughs and a bit of drama.

On the day that they arrived... it was the very first

sunny warm day in the Pacific Northwest. And being

that sunshine is such a rare treat here- everyone was

out and about. Going to the Tulip festival etc.

And made the trip from Seattle to our house

FIVE HOURS.

Normally its only about 2 hours...

So our friends had been awake and traveling

for what felt like DAYS to get here.

Once they arrived we all went out to eat

together at our favorite Mexican restaurant.

Easter was a load of fun.

We had a big crowd of our closest friends over.

And my sister and her family too.

The massive Easter Egg hunt was a hit.

And the kids all got along like old friends.

(Maria is above and Ava is below)

Ava was lucky enough to get a ride when she was tired.

And after the egg hunt Maria got a ride too.

She went with my sister to go horse back riding.

Maria loves horse back riding and being that my

sister is a horse trainer/adoption worker/attorney

she was happy to take Maria riding.

Then Maria took a spill off the horse.

It was a blessing that her Mom (Amy) had the good

sense to go along and watch her. And it was super

lucky that Maria was fine, and hopped back up

without a worry.

But it was scary none the less.

The day after Easter was my husbands birthday.

So we decided that we would take a special trip

and just pick a couple of our kids to take along so

that we could all go in one car. So Dominick and Alyssa

(and Baby Izzy), along with Amy and her family went

all together to my favorite place...

The Hot Springs.

(And sorry to say I didn't take any good pictures

there! Apparently my photography skills are lacking!)

But the kids had a fabulous time.

As did the "guys"

And of course the Buddy and I

can have fun anywhere together.

So that was not a problem at all.

Some of the highlights were a man serenading his

lover in the adult hot spring pool. His voice carried

all over the entire center of the resort and everyone

painfully was silent listening to him. Until the Buddy, kids

and I started singing along... and had our own "show"

of Cee-Lo's song Forget You.

The Kids then understood how Amy and I could

both be such good friends for so long.

Because we are both SO WEIRD of course!

The next day we headed to Vancouver to find the LUSH

factory. And when we arrived it was a huge disappointment

so we headed down to Robson st. to go to the Lush store

there and do some other sight seeing.

The above pictures of the kids were them playing

around on the busy side walk while they

waiting for Izzy to finish eating.

Speaking of Izzy she was quite the trooper.

And I even learned to feed her while carrying her

in the Moby wrap. (I am not such a coordinated nurser!)

But we were successful and that was a very exciting revelation.

Someday I want to be just like Michelle Duggar with her

BREST FRIEND... but its NOT as easy as it looks!

And then we hit the jack pot.

Express Crepes right on the sidewalk!

Here is what we tried:

Lemon and sugar

cinnamon sugar

Caramel and whip

Nutella and strawberries

Nutella, Banana, strawberry

It was a joyous occasion eating those crepes.

I can't even explain the taste of the lemon sugar

one- it was definitely the favorite for the Buddy and I.

Crepes do not get enough credit in the USA.

Maria was SO not into the crepes.

Which was probably a good thing given

what was coming later on...

After we had crepes and shopped and walked

and shopped and walked... and the kids made an

entire soap mess at LUSH...

we found the CUPCAKE store.

From the show The Cupcake Girls.

And of course the Buddy splurged for cupcakes

to bring home for the kids (and adults).

Then we had the drive home.

Border crossing.

Got home to a fun evening of visiting.

And then everyone went to bed.

At 2am...

Maria woke up throwing up.

At 2:20am..

Ava woke up throwing up.

At 7am they were supposed to leave

for that drive back to Seattle.

And a long day of traveling home to

the other side of the country.

At 7am the buddy was running around packing.

Making phone calls trying to get the flights changed.

Maria seemed a bit better.

Ava was still throwing up.

They took bags and paper towels.

And headed out an hour late to get the plane.

And late that night made it home on

a wing and prayer.

And I miss them all so much already.

Puke and all.

And I am dreaming up summer possibilities of

seeing them again. Thanks Buddy and family.

For being here always through thick and thin.

For making all my kids feel they are the most special.

For trying to "fix" Jude's binky issues.

For always being willing to make a bigger

fool of yourself than I. For helping me remember

that life is too short to take so seriously.

I love you always.