1.Do you like music on blogs?
(I get comments sometimes about people who love the music but others it really annoys. I have been thinking of turning it off, let me know how you feel.)
2.If you have disrupted an adoption... do you ever "get past" the anger, sadness, guilt? Is there any healing for you as a parent and for your other children?
3.If you have been in a situation like ours (where you have been able to get help from the state for your child to keep your family safe)- was there any creative parenting ideas? How do we remain the parents but keep everyone safe? (We have a meeting coming up where we are laying it all on the table to try to come up with a plan. We want for our daughter to still feel she has her family, we have adopted three of her biological siblings... but we want to keep everyone safe. It is HIGHLY unlikely she would be adopted by another family. Any creative ideas??)
4. Did you ever feel like you were letting "the enemy" win? With our daughter we know that her disease is "pushing away" her family because she feels like she is worthless of our love and affection. She has done and will continue to do everything she can do for us to "give her up". In making a decision about her future I can't help but feel like we are letting her disease win. Like the enemy will get the way this time because its the only option we have to keep everyone safe. (Even if you have been faced with a different kind of situation where you felt you let the enemy win, I would love to hear from you.)
Thanks for taking the time to respond.
xo
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10 comments:
I have no advice, but I will pray for you.
I do read another blog where the family has been through something similar (not the same, it can never be the same) to you. You might want to check it out. http://lenell.wordpress.com/
On number 1. - I always turn the sound off. It's too distracting for me. Usually, the music of others is not along my taste, and I probably have kids making live music (at the moment it's the 17 year old playing Mozart on the piano).
on the rest.... I have no experience, but it sound like your family needs prayer. This I can do.
Blessings
#1 Music distracts me from focused reading. Whenever I open a blog with music I just turn off my sound. So, no problem either way.
#2 YES, the Lord can bring MUCH healing. You and the family can get past this. You will always remember, but in time you will also be able to focus on the good memories of Sophie's time in your home.
#3 We were not able to get help from the state. We disrupted our adoption and found a new family for our son. However, I do want to address the idea of creative parenting.
You must take everyone's needs into consideration. While your daughter may want "family time" ... and may want to know she still has "family" ... your other kids may not be ready for contact for a very long time. You must allow the other children time to heal from all that she has done, and it might take a very long time.
We disrupted our adoption of our son, yet kept his 2 bio. sisters. We have not seen J. in 2 years, but our girls are not ready to even talk about him. Their lives were so very traumatized by him, that they do not want any contact, and we must respect and acknowledge the pain that they have which was caused by their bio. brother.
YOU, also, must take time to heal. You need a break from the drama ... time to catch your breath ... time to take care of yourself and your other children. In time, you may be the only one for a few years that has contact. Maybe you'll get to a point where you could go out for coffee, but not be ready to invite her home to be with the whole family. (I would have no problem going out for coffee with J. ... I actually enjoy the occasional email from him ... but I can't invite him home at this time.)
We are in a season of broken relationships with several of our big kids. I do sometimes feel like the enemy won. But ... my life was so overloaded with all of the hurt and pain that I had to take time to heal ... take time to focus on the 6 kids at home. I absolutely believe that the LORD will redeem our situation, but right now I need to focus on the hear and now for the kids I have at home.
My prayer for your dear daughter will be that the Lord will find a new home for her. I believe it would be best if she were the only child in the home (or at least the youngest). Whether it is a foster home or a new adoptive home, I think you all need a break from the drama (which means no contact for awhile).
Don't be opposed to a new adoptive placement. That just might give S. the stability that she needs. It doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to be in contact. But, maybe she needs a new family in order to navigate her teen years.
Praying for you all.
Laurel
1.Not really. I don't mind when a blog gives you the option to turn on a playlist, but it annoys me when it has music that starts playing on its own (and has embarassed me when I was in a cafe on wifi). But I usually just turn it off/block it/turn off the sound. I'd forgotten your blog had music because I'd blocked it with firefox long ago. While I'm not a fan of the involuntary music, I like your blog. :)
2.I've never gone through this. I'm not a parent yet, so who knows. But it's a loss, like any other, and grief takes time and never completely goes away. I've had a few friends go through this and since I want to adopt some day, I admit it scares me.
3.I have no advice. Just hugs.
4. Yes, though the methods of the enemy I've faced have obviously been different. I pray for you whenever I read about what's going on. I know the enemy can't really win... but it's so hard to see that on this earth.
1) No.
2) I don't know. Therapy helps. (for me, not for the kid. I have found that to be useless.)
3)What HAVEN'T we tried?
4)Not in a religious sense.. but I do believe that our children were so damaged in early life that they are not "fixable", and while I want desperately for my family to be the way it was "supposed" to be, I do not believe that is at all possible. My (damaged) kids will live out their lives in much the same way they live now (IMHO), and at this point, I must make my other children's needs a priority.
Music - the music is something I like about your blog. Sometimes I just put it on to run in the background when I am working and feeling a bit down.
The music I like sometimes and sometimes not depends on my concentration level.
We have a bio son, not with attachment disorder, but with CD and ODD, bipolar with Aspbergers. What a mix right? He was hurting the other children physically. We sent him to boot camp, paying out of our own pocket after he broke his brother's collar bone. Thousands we paid. he came back, we had hope, the cycle started again. We kicked him out as a teenager many times. If he could not resist his impulses that wasn't my concern, he was 16 by this time, he lived with friends etc. he never showed this violence much anywhere but here. He is now 20 and needs us so much. Life has taught him what he was throwing away. He sees his rough friends suffer the consequences of their actions and he appreciates our hard stance back then. my number one rule was if our house wasn't safe, it wasn't a home.
He is sleeping on my couch as we speak. He knows he is always welcome...minus the violence. He knows we loved him then and love him now. AT the time, he hated us and collected knives. We locked up all possible weapons. We lived in fear. What a change. Time has a way sometimes of blessing your efforts and making what is rotten into something very good.
Love your blog, can so relate. Now we have another son, adopted with attachment disorder. what a liar.
I echo what Corey and Laurel said. You have other children to parent and healing takes times and some semplance or peace or "normal." We did not disrupt but she aged out of the system and was not longer involved with our family because of false allegations, etc. We still have her 2 bio sibs and these years have been hard enough for them to heal without their sister as a constant reminder and threat. I find my guilt has eased considerably. I suffer many health difficulties because of the years we have been in constant stress and upheaval. You have to take care of yourself and allow yourself to be filled by the healthy children and family in your life.
Sarah, I'll never forget the words of our last therapist: if S stayed in our home, we would have four very, very sick children.
There's so much more to why S left, but in terms of the other children in our home, this hit me right to the core.
I don't think I will EVER completely heal from our time with S, but that's ok, she's just got one more person praying for her :)
My situation doesn't even compare to yours, but I understand a lot of the feelings
I hope the breakthrough was real too :) And I think it's ok to see you doubting it....this is the consequence of years of lying, etc......
Hugs hon.
We have recently been through a similar experience. It is difficult, to say the least, but I don't have to tell you that...
At times I think the lies of our son will win. He has succeeded in wrapping others around his finger, including his therapist. He is not to blame, we are... I have no way of reconciling his words/actions/lies with his supposed love for the family. He is not at home. It isn't safe for us to allow him to be here. He knows the truth, and I know he knows the truth, but it is too painful to know that he chose to spread lies, knowing they weren't true. He wants us to emancipate him--free him from our family. I can't do it. I love him so much. If only he could see that...
In the few months since our investigation and "completely unfounded" decision that was delivered, I have held tightly to these words of Mahatma Gandhi: "When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always."
I keep holding out hope for that promise. I believe in it. I just keep waiting and hoping and praying and keep trying to move forward as best I can in the meantime...
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