My Big Annoucement

Just wanted to let everyone know.

I am completely unavailable to be your punching bag.

There that was it- my big announcement.

For some reason over the past 48 hours I have been running into situation after situation and person after person who:

1. Is having a really sh*t day

2. Just generally isn't friendly

3. That I might have been putting off for more pressing issues

AND/OR

4. Sees that I am vulnerable and uses that to their benefit

I had thought for a moment that maybe I was just being sensitive- but truly I think that there is something in the air or the water that has made people grouchy with me. This was just the topping on the cake of life that I am already living and so it caused me to have several episodes of inability to deal with the situation at hand. Yesterday I cried several times- on the phone, to my husband, in person, at the psychiatrists with "RAD". And then the dozy- last night to my Mom. An ugly frustrated angry and grieving cry of epic proportions.

And today- I was able to step back from it all with a clear head and determine what must be done. I am doing anything and everything that I can do without doing anything CRAZY and WILD. Basically that means that I filled out the big application to get RAD into the "in home hospitalization alternative program". Where we would get a lot more support in home and out of home for her and her needs. Just because we applied doesn't mean we will get accepted. There might be a long wait or a short wait... or it might be the answer NO. The problem with this program are that RAD can't continue with her same therapist if she is accepted. She will have to start with one of the therapists that work with the program. She is already on her 2nd therapist since starting at this counseling center. RAD also will have to go to treatment foster care two weekends a month and anytime there is a crisis and we need break- and she needs a break too. That is scary for us and scary for her- because foster care was a scary negative place for her that contributed to all her RADness. I almost didn't turn in the paperwork- but really- we can pull out at anytime and we don't have any other option because the people who have to advocate for her (psychiatrist, therapist and supervisor and director) are NOT willing to do so because "they will deny her hospitalization" or because "she has to exhaust all resources locally first".
So we are hoping that she might get accepted or we are just following protocol- because to them- there is no other option.
Frustrating.

The psychiatrist confirmed her other diagnoses- not just RAD- but early onset bipolar disorder. New meds were started and will be increased over the next weeks and then a 2nd med will be added. Knowing how to advocate for her and what is best for her has gotten very altered in my mind from moment to moment. Its hard to be able to parent her from afar and work on the RAD piece- but for now- we have her home with us and we want to keep a close eye on how these serious meds are affecting her. We have a back up plan in place which is one of the adults leaving with her again, or my sister can take her for short breaks in the meantime. We need to keep everyone safe and happy while at the same time make sure that she feels loved and supported by her family. That's a tough call some days!

The hospital two hours from us is doing a some clinical research studies on bipolar disorder. Both sound very promising. I have called for more information and hope that she might qualify for one of them. It comes with close monitoring by one of the experts on bipolar disorder in children. Or at the very least she might be able to get in to see him for another evaluation. She has a long road ahead of her.... but I think that we might be on the right track. Or at least we made progress from where we were a week ago.

So the goals are:
1. Stablize
2. Schedule (making a new schedule WITH her about her days- her knowing the "plan" each day seems to help her not spiral)
3. Keep pushing for her to get help and answers
4. Pray more

Days without answers

I feel like there have been so many phone calls and emails lately. So many questions on how we can help our child and so many tears shed wondering what is going to work to help her- to help us. To get us back on track and back together again.



Today EG and his Mom arrived in Cleveland where they will stay for awhile. They will stay with my Mom while they are there- we don't mind sharing the Nana. Today was a pretty awesome day in that they finally made it to the place that they needed to be. There was SO many people involved in orchestrating them getting there and who coordinated, communicated, phone called, begged, cried, pleaded, arranged, approved, paid, drove, traffic jams, missed flights, strong head winds, high ups at homeland security, calls made, calls recieved in order to help this beautiful little boy and his highly capable and loving Mother to come to the USA and for him to get life changing surgery after being crushed in the earthquake. So many people all moving through God's plans and path and even in moments that seemed like we had a mountain to climb we all worked together to climb them.



I think that is why its so bittersweet that here I sit tonight not knowing anything more than I knew a week ago. Not knowing how to get my child the help that she needs. And not feeling like I have an army behind me- I do have a few good "men" but certainly not the army we had for our guests from Haiti. Our system fails people too. Completely on a different scale than Haitians experience- but in the end failing is failing. And my child is falling through the cracks. I have a passion about healthcare not failing the children who need it. I lay awake at night wondering why geography determines that healthcare fate of so many. I loathe not being able to help the really tough cases that are referred to MAT who fall through the cracks. And I am near the brink that I can't make something happen to help my own child.



This morning my sister, husband and I met with the therapist and her supervisor and the hospital alternative program supervisor and we got our questions answered. We walked out not really knowing anymore than we knew before. Because it seems that their hands are tied as much as ours feel to be. The best that we can hope for is that at the meeting tomorrow with the supervisor and then with the psychiatrist that they truly understand the scope of our daughters suffering and they will advocate for her- WITH US- to get her hospitalized for a short amount of time to determine what her immediate needs are to get her stablized. We know that this will only be for a few days but we are so hopeful that if she can get stabilized then we can start moving forward once again. We will turn in the forms to apply for the "more intensive" program that they are offering. But I pray that if at anytime they don't think that its really the best option for her that they will again advocate with us in order to find her the best solution for her.

We have two really good places and programs out of state that we know would be beneficial to Sophie- but until we exhaust all the miniscule pathetic resources in this state- we can't go out of state.



If you know anything about your states mental healthcare for children- any good hospitals or programs that deal with children who have RAD (and other serious psychological diagnoses) please email me or leave a comment. We might be taking a vacation sometime soon to your state and happen upon that wonderful hospital or program. :)



How is she doing?

Sophie is coping by withdrawing from her feelings and the situation- she is still at my sisters. Life at my sisters is low emotion, low expectation, low interaction unless warranted. There is no one to manipulate, no one to feel pressure to impress, and no one to try to avoid love from. For now- she is OK physically- but we don't know how long we can keep this up- or how long SHE can keep it up either.

We need help so we can at least get her stable, home, and moving forward again... praying!

Oh me oh my!

Can you tell in this picture who was having a moment? (dominick-sassy-pants)

___________________________________

If you have emailed me in the past week- I am so sorry for not replying. My in-box is getting very full and I am working on getting through them in the next day or so. I also know I have over 20 voice mail messages... Today was a busy busy day of getting a little bit of hope for Sophie and we need to keep praying!

Sophie is doing OK at my sisters but understandably she is not talking or sharing her feelings at all. This is concerning because we need to know how she is feeling at all times. But she is safe and I must admit that the air around here is quite a lot thinner and the stress level is at its normal regular place. After seeing Angeline give the bird today then asking "what does this mean?" and hearing that Sophie taught her to do that to Daddy- I am relieved that she isn't here for now. I had someone tell me that even though I have a large family- SHE was the one that needs me the MOST now. The person who told me this had some authority and influence over the situation last week and although it didn't sit right with me- I listened to what they said and I should have gone with my instinct. (And not spend five solid days trying to fix the situation.)

Lesson learned...

Isaac had a doctors appointment this morning for a well check... (Note to self to get the immunizations figured out tomorrow.) We had opted to not take Isaac to the doctor except for illness or injury before this because we don't want him to be afraid of doctors. Well the news is great- Isaac has gained 4lbs since he arrived here and they are going to monitor his weight and growth every three months. The other good news is that he is very healthy and he has no parasites or other creepy crawlies affecting his digestion. Yeah!!

The other bonus of the doctors appointment was that I could corner our primary care physician and beg for his help. He was and always is the best listener but did tell me that while he will back us up with our request and need for help for Sophie- the way that her insurance works is that we need to have a psychiatrist evaluate her. So he encouraged us to get her psychiatrist to do something. He is willing to make phone calls to whoever I need him to. He is such a good guy.

I adore him.

Then I came home and made phone call after phone call. I called each hospital that treats children in my entire state. Not one bed- no waiting list available. They each told me to call back or to call another place. Then I got a woman on the phone who took her time to hear our needs and plight even though she didn't have a bed- she was willing to share with me that she truly felt that Sophie needs more help then a hospital to give her short term. She said that I could get her in and that they would keep her in this crisis to get her stable for about 7-14 days. After that- discharge and back to the counseling and psychiatry that we already have. She said that she has never seen a child with a diagnosis of RAD ever leave there to go home- that almost always they go to residential treatment- something more long term- at least 30-60 days- so that the people evaluating the child are given time to get to know the child. She then asked me if I knew that children with RAD were the master minds of deception and superficially charming?

"Oh really?"

Yeah- we knew that.

That's part of the problem!

She hasn't really gotten to the point even in the past year of therapy to share who she is or what her needs are with anyone who can really do anything to help her!

So its our job to keep fighting, calling, begging, and sharing her story. We can't let her down. We just won't let that happen.

So once I was done with our state- I moved on to the neighboring states....

We found a place that would be perfect. We don't know if she "fits". She is a bit on the older side for the program. And we don't know if our insurance will work, or if it will take too long, or if she will be accepted into getting help there- but we are praying because it gives us some hope!

P.S. Tomorrow Ermane and his Mom will finally be on their way for medical care from Haiti- please keep them in your prayers too. (and that things go off without a hitch- that was the other 30 phone calls today!)

Sisters

Thank God for my sister and her family. They are going to keep Sophie for a little while until we can figure out what to do next. I really trust the people at the hospital where she was at. I trust when they say that they think "we" (meaning my husband and I and some of our children) are experiencing symptoms of PTSD. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) This is because of what we have been living and dealing with day in and day out. Its no wonder that life feels toxic.

Its my husbands birthday today. We are thankful to have him home- even if it might only be for a short time depending on where we need to go to get Sophie help. Tomorrow he has a final interview for a good job with good benefits that doesn't pay nearly what we need to make- but we are thankful for something and every possibility gives us a little hope. :) Out of 150 applicants he is #2 on the list post testing, interview, qualifications, and references. That's pretty darn good- I am proud of him. Today after his days away with RAD he just looks empty.

We are headed out for a park adventure and then out for ice cream. Perhaps that might help lighten the mood and spirit of us all. We feel and appreciate your prayers so much. Please keep on praying. Tomorrow we need answers and a plan. We need more intensive services for Sophie ASAP. What we have going now- clearly isn't working.

No Bed

Apparently its OK to just discharge a suicidal child if there is no bed available. And there is NO BED available in my entire state apparently.

Looking for an apartment to rent near the hospital.... what else can we do but separate our family?

Evening update

I talked to the social worker for a long time on the phone. My husband talked to her too. And Sophie talked as well. My husband feels that she is sharing some of her real feelings and worries. And that if given some more time with them all- she might share more. She wants SO much for people to like her that sometimes its hard to not put on a manipulative "happy go lucky everything is just fine" front. I am praying that she is past this and able to share her concerns about life.

We were alarmed this morning talking with her about the amount of time she spends thinking about dying and wanting to die- and planning how she will kill herself. She estimates 20% of each day is spent consumed with these thoughts. Our daughter needs serious help. She couldn't even say what makes her think about this- she said sometimes its when things are "OK" and sometimes they are just about little things. We pray that she is going to get the help that she needs. Right now they have a guard outside her door for her own safety and they are waiting for the psychiatrist to come in. Please keep praying that they will let her stay and truly evaluate her needs!!! We are committed to however long this takes we just need to know that there is HOPE. We can't live like this anymore. She can't feel that we don't love her and that we let the system fail her again.

Please pray

Update on the broke situation:

After much talking that finally came this morning- Robert and Rad on arriving at the best chance to help hospital in our region. Please please please pray that they will understand the need for a formal evaluation for Rad. Please pray that they keep her and run all the tests needed to truly understand her diagnosis. Please pray that they don't turn their backs on her and our family. She is definitely in crisis and not able to get out of it for days now- she is saying she will be honest and she wants help. She is hurting and we don't know if we can keep her safe from herself. Pray!!

Broke

Life has felt really heavy lately. I feel broke. In most every way possible I am feeling broke. Financially, emotionally, physically, and yes- spiritually.

Since my husband has been without work for six months our child with RAD/Bipolar/Mood disorder has taken most of her anger, manipulations, hatred, confusion, anxiety, mood- out on her father instead of me. This has given me months of healing my relationship with her and time to really step back and see the big picture with her behaviors and to respond to her the best way I have found possible. But that's easy to do when your not the target of her control...

She has tried to drive a wedge in between the two of us. And given the broke feeling of life that consumes us- we were beginning to feel defeated. The good news is that we felt defeated together and we know that our marriage can with stand most anything. We have been through SO much. You name it we have been through it. I don't actually know that you know what you marriage is made of until your husband breaks both of his arms and loses his job in the same week. Just imagine all the things that might be difficult about life without any arms. We have been there- and lived that for quite a long time. But this kind of broke is even more difficult.

In our child with RAD's world there is always a winner and a loser. And no matter what we lose. We lose because she either wins at manipulating the situation or she wins because she won't accept our love. Either way we are empty... but at least we are empty together. But being empty and having the joy sucked and the emotions raped is no way to live 24/7... especially with 10 other little people in the house that need all of us all of the time too. With a feeling of being broke and nothing left to give- what does that leave for everyone else? What does that leave for ourselves?

We knew that we were at the crossroads Monday morning. Now its Friday and its imminent. Decisions need to be made. We met with the counselor yesterday for our child and the supervisor to talk about programs that are available. Let's just say that ALL of the options SUCK. We are working on our last chance here...

We walked away thinking that partial therapeutic foster care with a team of about 10 different people, some available 24/7 was looking like the best thing. But then as I heard more I became less convinced. How are the foster parents trained? Through the mental health agency was my answer. Once upon a time Robert and I were therapeutic foster parents to over 50 children. I taught the training for our agency about RAD. We took children with most any kind of mental health issue- it was actually our specialty. Not only that but I went to college and have a degree that qualifies me to work with people with special needs- main focus- mental health and psychology. I have worked with people of all ages with mental health needs. And ya know what?

We don't know diddly.

Everything you know and have learned becomes null and void when its your own child who won't let you love them. When its your own child who hurts them self. When its your own child who lacks skills in all areas. Socially, academically, honestly, spiritually, with family, friends, peers... out the window are the experiences and books and information when your drowning and you call for a life vest, the buoy, something to hang onto and she comes time and time again to push your head under the water with swift kick of her boot.

So the other night two of our older children came to us and we had a long talk that ended with tears shed by all (adults and four children). Tears shed by one of our older children that never cries who feels like the family might not make it through this time. This child deals with fears of abandonment and attachment as well. And since I am broke I am not even sure that I could find the right words to comfort them. Then one of them shared this with me: Psalms 32

I didn't even realize how spiritually connected this child of mine was. Anytime that we would read the bible or pray together as a family they always seemed to not listen or care as much as I would have hoped. I didn't know how moved they were from the life that they have had and how mature their relationship with God really was.

After this talk and realizing the urgency of situation upon us all- we had to make a decision. And in discussing the options I had to be honest about how I would feel about letting RAD go into residential treatment, or having her move away with another family member, or giving up essentially. I would feel resentment towards my husband. I would feel that we didn't try everything we could. Or that HE didn't try everything that he could to get her back on track with learning some kind of skills to be successful in this family. Because perhaps he had tried so many times in the past six months and he harbored ill feelings and didn't forgive like he should have. He hasn't been able to remove himself from our situation with her. He hasn't been able to let go and accept her for who she is and that this might be all she ever can be.

So today they left. The two of them. My husband and child with RAD left. Mid morning, suitcases were packed by each of them, car was loaded, and gas tank was full.... and they were out of here with a very little goodbye. I don't know where they are going or when they will be back. I do know that they are currently about 7 hours from here at a hotel. I do know that my husband talked the entire day and RAD didn't say anything until after dinner. She didn't say one single word. She knows this is it. This is the crossroads. This is my husbands final and completely focused attempt at finding something beautiful in her, and offering up all his undivided love and attention to her in the hopes that she might be willing to just consider taking some someday. They have no plan but they have a huge agenda.

They might be back tomorrow. Or Sunday. Or in two months. We are willing to do this if it works. If it gives time for healing for them both together. And for the rest of us- we are trying to enjoy peace and solitude and sort through the events of the past week and make a plan for what we will do geographically. What is God's plan in all this?

We believe that there was a big one. And we know that the savings account is run dry. And we need to determine where we are going next. And perhaps the move was intended to be more than just emotional- or maybe just moving this family from one emotional state to another was what needed to take place.

Then there's also the wish of several children that what this all means is that Costa Rica needs a big family once the emotional healing is finished. :)

Please pray for us.

We are at the crossroads waiting for directions.

Happy 66th

Dear Mom,
Happy 66th birthday. I wish that we were there with you today to celebrate. We will be sure to have a cake and a song when we see you this summer. I thought that it was high time I wrote something for you and what a better gift for your big 66th than writing the 66 best reasons I love you and thank you for being my Mom.
　
1. I am thankful that you were from a big family. That you had a big family and that you understand my big family.
2. That you would buy me frosted pop tarts and hide them so my older siblings didn't eat them.
3. Because you always had a way of making each of us feel the most special and most loved.
4. For taking me to play rehearsals for show after show- month after month.
5. For being a "nun" in The Sound of Music so that your time waiting back stage wasn't a total waste. And for washing that gosh-forsaken orange paint off my body when I was in The King and I- even after midnight on school nights.
6. For making knox blox and cut up orange slices when it was my turn to bring the snack.
7. For letting me try anything I wanted including soccer, gymnastics, choir, diving, swimming, track, volleyball, etc. and never treating me like a failure when I quit them.
8. For letting me use your good perfume even when I was little. And sharing your best with me.
9. And the creative ways you taught us to eat cereal even when we were out of milk- Orange juice on cheerios wasn't so bad.
10. Because you never made me try funky foods like liver and onion when I didn't want to.
11. And not indulging us in fast food except on special occasion.
12. For believing me when another Mom said I stole her daughters $5 bill. For sticking up for me and knowing that I would never steal.
13. And then dealing with my drama and antics when I had to get blood taken or a shot. Or go to the dentist... or even go to school. For dragging me back in when I would kick and scream and cry.
14. Because you didn't get mad when I washed coins and wrapped them in tin foil and put them in the freezer
15. For talking to me about sex and letting me know that sex is sacred but that it can fun too. And for not making me ashamed of my sexuality.
16. I am thankful for you Mom because you taught us all how to speak politely to adults, how to be respectful and not act like brats. (at least in public)
17. And not ever letting us feel like we were broke or poor even though I knew there were tough times you never let on that we didn't have enough money for anything- you would say "you don't need that." instead of... "we can't afford that."
18. For those special times you would buy a new toy or "present" when it wasn't my birthday or a special occasion.
19. Notes on my napkins that you put in my lunch box.
20. For giving me a sticker that said "I didn't cry much today" which showed you knew how to do positive reinforcement parenting before it was even popular.
21. For taking me to try out for Annie on Broadway and not ever making me feel like I wouldn't get the lead role.
22. Because you always let me believe I was capable of anything and everything.
23. Teaching me to put on make up the correct way.
24. Only arguing with me over things that were really important as an adolescent. Not things like using "sun in" to make my hair REALLY red. You knew how to let peer pressure work in your favor.
25. For not letting me go in cars with boys until I was 16. Even with male friends that were gay. For meaning something when you say it even when the circumstances change.
26. Because you told me when I was wearing really short shorts that I looked like something the cat dragged in and you didn't let me leave the house in them. And you didn't give in when I got really mad.
27. You always killed spiders with your bare hands and didn't make a big deal about it.
28. Because when were divorcing Dad you looked towards church and God for guidance.
29. And because your honest even when its hard to tell the truth. But would encourage me to stand up taller if it meant I could reach the line on the bricks which gave me permission to go in the deep end of the pool. :)
30. But you taught us the difference between lies and white lies and made it clear that being polite and honest was a balance and we always knew to say please, thank you and act grateful when we didn't like a gift we were given or when we were served food we didn't want to eat.
31. For choosing two fathers for me who both complimented each other- one handsome, with a wild side, who knew how to fight and advocate for himself and others to the death- and one who was sensitive, humble, quiet and reserved who loved to travel- and who treated you like a queen and us like his own. Both who in the end who were and are such gifts to me.
32. And because you showed me how to be a loving step mother by your example. And how there really is no difference between "his" and "mine".
33. Because you would cry in front of us and show us how truly human you are. And because you would cry with us when we were sad.
34. For letting me watch Roots and never letting anyone say the "N" word in our presence without you telling them exactly how you felt. (I think that there might have been the words "slap your face" involved.) For teaching me about Rosa Parks, MLK, Malcolm X, The Underground Railroad and Uncle Toms Cabin.
35. Because you always like good music no matter how genre or culturally appropriate it is. And because you exposed us to different types of music and sang out loud- and still do- all the time.
36. For teaching me how to fall deeply in love with reading and lose myself in a book.
37. For all those trips to Lake Tahoe to see Robin and her family.
38. And of course for letting me leave for a year of high school to live in Australia.
39. Even though I was mad at the time- I am thankful you knew how to put a smile on and not tell me about people dying who were close to me when the time wasn't right. Like our long weekend in San Diego when my boyfriend had died back at home. You knew but didn't say a word because you didn't want to spoil our time together taking William home.
40. For not getting mad at me when I got pregnant in college. Because you knew that at that moment I didn't need your anger, I needed your love.
41. Because you never judged the dates I went on or the boyfriend I had no matter what race, religion or culture they were from.
42. And grateful you taught me how to ski and went skiing with me.
43. And for letting me go to concerts (Sting, Madonna, Pink Floyd, The Grateful Dead etc.)
44. And because you spent money we didn't have to take me to amazing theatre- like The Nutcracker, West Side Story, and of course- Annie too- just to mention a few.
45. Especially for not saying mean things about my dad in front of me even though he made you　have so angry sometimes.
46. Teaching me that everything is ok with balance, including a glass of wine with dinner.
47. For teaching me that the most important thing to know about Jesus is that he loves EVERYONE.
48. Because you didn't feel any guilt when you had to bring cookies and would buy oreos and put them on a plate- walk into the event with confidence and no apology. Baking wasn't your thing!
49. For agreeing to raise my children all together if Robert and I die- even when those numbers went from 5 to 15.
50. For not judging me or anyone for choices we made in the past. When you let something go- you really let it go and not bring it up later to remind me.
51. Because you scratched my back so many times- even when I was in my teens.
52. For being the best Nana to my children.
53. For caring for our children when I went to Haiti to get Angeline- even though I didn't know when I would be back. And for not making me second guess our choice to adopt her- even when she was on deaths door and her life appeared to be "worthless" to many. You never made me feel anything but that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do- and that she was the most beautiful baby ever.
54. Because you let me go to public high school instead of Catholic high school- even though it scared the crap out of you what I might experience with the wrong kind of peer pressure.
55. And for letting me miss school on days that I was sick and some that I wasn't sick- just because you wanted to spend the day with me.
56. Your memory- you always remember the little things that I like best and the kind/flavor/color/type that is my favorite.
57. For making me something special to eat when I was a vegan even though it was a pain. And even reading all the boxes to find vegan brownie mix special for me (and Krysta).
58. Because you let me know I can always come home no matter what- no matter when.
59. Because you worked so hard as a stay at home Mom- and then a single career Mom. Even when you had to travel and leave us at home. Even when I made you feel horrible about leaving. And never acknowledged that you went from "tour guide" of the building to a much higher influential position in Sales- great job Mom. You balanced mothering and career with grace and honor.
60. And for giving me the best of you even when I took you for granted.
61. Thank you for setting your expectations high and accepting nothing less for me.
62. For teaching me to truly know compassion, fairness and love. And that you should treat others with the same- just as you would want to be treated. A guest coming to stay desearves the very best. The guest could be the CEO of a company or a family from the slums in Haiti. Both need clean bedding and towels, a freshly painted room, and all their favorites in the fridge waiting to comfort them as they are "at home" in your home.
63. And always being there for me to have a shoulder to lean on.
64. The way you balance being my Mom and my Friend.
65. And because you allow yourself to feel passion and empathy about the things I do.
66. Because your wonderfully you- my Mom- Happy Birthday with Blessings.
　
Sarah

Where?

Where did she go?

if you see her...

let me know.

Thanks.

Sarah

Mom to 15

trying desperately to stop

the cycle of abuse

Emotionally Raped

Today we are feeling tired.

Monday.

ugh.

There is something about having a wonderful weekend

and ending it with a magical family Sunday night dinner.

Where we took turns reading chapters out loud over

yummy pasta. It was all just too darn good to be true.

The closeness, the connected feeling, smiles and laughs

from all of us separated over the weekend

and coming back together as ONE.

(I will share more about the book soon.)

So this morning I should have seen it coming. I should have known that it would happen. That the bliss was only momentary and that the drama would come back with a vengeance because of RAD spending the weekend away and having to figure out getting into her new routine of being home schooled. Yes- Rad is now home schooled. The issues at school were getting out of hand and after prayer and talking to many others who know more than me- we determined that it was best for her mental health to be at home right now. We want to narrow her social circle and expectations to just "appropriate reactions and behavior". Education in the traditional sense will come later...

Anyhow back to the story-

Rad didn't want to get out of bed this morning. After the first two tries and half hour of waiting for her to get up we decided to give up. Why bother? That should have been the first warning sign that the JOY sucking was coming. I should have taken cover and put on my fatigues right away. Instead I held out this false sense of hope and contentment because the dinner the night before and interactions were that good. I thought we were in the clear. Typically when Rad has anytime away from us we get some sort of a payback. An ugly payback. Even though she had an awesome weekend she wants to let us know how she feels. But having to "keep it all together for 48 hours" and feeling overwhelmed by that is hard. And since she isn't able to express her rage with words it turns into joy sucking.

So Rad came upstairs and begun sucking the joy out of everyone and everything around her. She parked herself right at the table in the middle of all the morning action and busyness so she could spew her hatred and dirty looks at others. Everyone did a good job of remaining calm or ignoring her. We must have all figured that if we give her a half hour she will get over it and move on with her day. She has big plans of a garden she has been planning and researching and today would have been the perfect day to work on that.

At one point my husband asked her to move over a bit. He was trying to clean off the breakfast table and wipe it down. And it was at that moment that I witnessed Reagan from the exorcist right in my dining room.

"Dad looked at my like he was going to hit me!"

huh?

Both Lauren and I were at opposite sides of the room and we didn't see anything of the such. There was not hitting, no simulated hitting, or even looks that would appear to mean the feeling of wanting to hit someone. Nada. Actually the more calm that we remained as she screamed and spit and screamed some more.... the angrier she became. Then started the head banging into the wall, the biting herself, breaking her eye glasses....

I told her that she needed to stay where I could see her. That I was really hoping she would feel better soon and to let me know if there was anything I could do to help her. What she wanted was for me to acknowledge my husband as the evil doer of the universe. She wants me to cast him out of my life and piss all over him. Because that's not the reaction she got she wanted to let me know that it really makes her hateful to know she can't drive a wedge in between the two of us. Not today honey.

So I put on the camera and let her know that I was recording her. This really pissed her off and I questioned myself for doing it. Its not something we have done before but I wanted to have the recording for HER. For when she is calm and when its a better day and when we can really talk about this day- she will have the video as something she can use to reflect upon. And I wanted to be sure that her behavior was available for her therapist should there ever be any question what-so-ever of the fact that Rad is NOT abused, she is NOT antagonized, she is NOT provoked, she is NOT sane.

(Note here- there have not ever been any false allegations made. But we are well aware that this is something she could do if she was really feeling like it. The counseling staff is familiar with Rad and understands that this is how she has to operate in order to survive mentally in her own brain.)

The rage continued and she kicked and threw herself on the ground. She held her breath and bit herself over and over in the same spot. She twisted and toes and fingers trying to break them. She was angry. She screamed "Don't F-ing touch me!" when no one was touching her. She yelled "I just want to be alone!" and we calmly told her that she could go anywhere upstairs where we could see her because we were afraid she would try to seriously hurt herself. The yelling and screaming and carrying on took over two hours.

I thought my head would explode. I breathed deeply and prayed. I stayed calm and emailed a friend who also has children with Rad for backup support. (A pat on the back goes a long way in moments like this!!)

I was thankful that Lauren could take the younger children away from the mayhem and that Angeline was at school. I know that they were scared to see her behave this way and I was eternally grateful to Lauren for jumping up and knowing exactly what to do in these moments- and remembering that we had made "a plan" just for this very thing.

(Typical rages are not as long as this one. Truly she has worked SO hard at not raging as often. We all have worked hard and typically she bounces back within an hour. But not this time.)

Then Rad got up from the floor and ran downstairs and out of the house. On her way down the steps I yelled to her that she was NOT to leave the house and that I would make calls if she did. She knew that this was over stepping the safety boundaries and that when she rages she can't be alone because of the fact that she could seriously hurt herself if given the chance.

I ran out the door the other way to see if I could find her. I couldn't. I came in and called the counseling center and left a message for the supervisor on call to call me back.

Right after I hung up the phone she walked in the front door and said...

"OK- I am all better now."

She was calm. She was cool and collected. She turned it off just as fast as she turned it on. She did not want to go to the hospital. Her will to not want to go to the hospital was greater than her anger about being away for the weekend.

I talked to the counseling supervisor and we agreed that just pushing ahead and carrying on with the day was the best thing. We had a talk with her and I told her what I thought my day was going to be like when I woke up. I shared details about each step of the morning and each feeling that I would have when things go "just right". And my husband shared what he wanted from this morning and what he had hoped to accomplish. And then Rad cried and said we were making her angry again by telling her how nice of a morning we had imagined with her. She said that the only reason we were telling her the things we had hoped for the morning was because we wanted her to get angry again. We explained that it was because we wanted her to think about her morning before going to bed- to think about how she wanted the mornings to go. And again when she wakes up and then when she is on her way up the stairs for breakfast. No one wants to have a bad morning. No one wants to rage and suck the joy out of others. But Rad could admit that it made her feel better once she was done with the fit.

We asked her to think about ways she could feel good without the rage. I guess it would be like having a deep dark secret and carrying that secret around for years is wearing and exhausting. When you finally share that secret you feel free. How can we help Rad rage without it sucking joy from all of us?

I don't know.

But it was good to hear her admit that something good came out of it! In the end of the rage she felt good. She felt better. She released it. But in the process of sucking so much joy over so many hours...

I felt emotionally raped.

Brutally emotionally raped.

It left me wondering if this is really my life and if we can really do this?

We made sure that things were calm and really truly OVER.

We then went to the gym. I moved like a cheetah and produced more sweat than there is water in the Atlantic. When I started feeling tired I pushed myself harder and harder. I released all of my anger and all of my burden and gave back the raping I had earlier today.

And then I pondered how Rad feels each day. Does she carry around a deep dark secret? Does she feel raped by the system and families that hurt her? If in the end she feels better- really truly better about her life... then she can emotionally rape me all she wants.

It would be a hell of a lot easier for her to go to the gym though, or spend her time wrapped in HIS word, or to write a blog. But when your a child and you have never emotionally matured because life ruined you even before you understood logic-raging seems much easier and quicker.

 

We Ran Away

Yesterday my husband and I were blessed with a quieter than normal weekend. We had two children gone with a church retreat, then my Aunt called to invite Sophie over the weekend, and my sister offered to take two children. Lauren and David offered to watch the little ones... and my husband and I jumped at the chance to spend our Christmas gift from my Mom and we headed to my favorite "local" place for an early birthday celebration for Robert and some much needed alone time. Running away can be so fun.

We used to spend 1 to 2 nights away each month... my sister and I would swap weekends and allow the other couple to have a weekend without children each month. I know that to some this seems like a lot of time away from the children... but honestly- there is nothing more refreshing than just getting the time together to connect, be silly, read good books together, pray together, talk about dreams and hopes without interruption, reflect upon what is working well and what isn't working well for our family and our lives and just to BE together in relaxing silence.

The balance is restored in our lives for the moment. And we are SO grateful to have had this chance to get away. If you don't take time for yourself and your marriage- I suggest you start doing so. Your children only have ONE childhood. I think this keeps a lot of parents from taking the time away. However- don't you think that they deserve the best of you? The well rested parents who are connected and in love with one another? Well for us- my husband and I- we can't give that to them without having time completely removed from everyone and everything. If you have a secret how you get that sacred kind of time together without going away or sending the children away please do let me know.

Today we hiked up to this waterfall. It was beautiful but there was a "bear warning" because black bears had been seen there frequently in the past two weeks. So I was trying not to be consumed by scanning the woods for the bears... although it was kind of difficult! We have found that we don't have to be doing anything elaborate. Even going to have ice cream together and just taking the time to shut the rest of the world out and focus on "us" is key. No matter where we are or what we are doing its a fast release back to younger days of passion and togetherness that reminds us of our love. And isn't love just a splendid thing?

I am thankful

Today is Thursday and I am

Thank-Full.

I am thankful that I have a few

moments to share these zoo pictures

with you on this beautiful day.

I am thankful for a good day with Jude at the

hospital yesterday. I am thankful that Pulmonary

saw us yesterday instead of today. Thankful that

we didn't have to go there again today. Thankful

that Jude held still during his CT scan and

that he didn't need anesthesia. I am thankful

that they were even willing to try this since he is

so young. I am happy to report that Jude Bear

has a new plan in place to help his breathing.

Even though sorting through the new stack of

inhalers and getting it organized is going to be

confusing at first.

And I am thankful that he doesn't

need surgery for his hydrocephalus YET. I am thankful

that although they think his shunt might not be

working as well as it should that they are willing

to wait for him to by more symptomatic before

doing a replacement surgery.

Even though we aren't totally sure that

the extra big ventricles isn't damaging

anything. I am thankful to have some

confidence in our neuro team that they do

know what is best for sweet Jude.

I am thankful that since we have this day

with no plans that we have childcare at the gym

and we are able to go and work out- hubby and I.

And the little ones can run wild and burn off

some energy too.

I am thankful that this afternoon we

have an adventure planned and the sun

is already shining bright and its going to

be even slightly warm today.

And for today...

I am thankful that Sophie is at home.

At home with us full time.

For school... and bonding.

And that she has been planning and

researching a garden to call her own.

That she worked on for hours

yesterday with a smile on her face.

And was able to be a good role model

to Joy and a kind big sister to many.

I am thankful to have a husband

that is willing to pray with me

and explore all the possibilities and

options that we have for our future.

I am thankful that he is willing to

dream big, to take risks, and to love

intensely what I feel passionate about.

I am thankful that my children are able to

adapt so well to change. That they are also open

to all the possibilities that God has for our family.

That they know that reward comes

with taking risks and working

as team is vital.

And thankful that they know the most

important thing is that:

We are Family.

You Must Read This:

You must go and read THIS.
Watch the video. Let it sink in. Feel the need. Answer the call.

Then when your done- you won't be crying anything but
tears of JOY and HAPPINESS when you read and watch THIS.
And if you don't you will forever be sorry. It's THAT good.
I promise you will smile SO big that you will pass it on immediately.

Prayers for Jude

Baby Jude has some appointments over the next two days at the hospital. He will be having a CT scan under anesthesia tomorrow morning and then we meet with the Neurosurgeon to see if his shunt adjustment helped alleviate the area of hydrocephalus. If not- we might be scheduling surgery ASAP to revise or replace his shunt.
Then we are also meeting with the Pulmonary team to devise a better plan to deal with Jude's asthma, recurrent pneumonia, breathing treatments that don't help much and possible aspiration that is causing/exacerbating all the issues.
Please keep him in your prayers as there are long days ahead of him.
Thanks.

The Business Here

On Saturday- I was feeling slightly better-

and finally Lauren got to have her 18th birthday

celebration. A day shopping with all of us + Leishan.

She was so kind to wait all week

for her delayed birthday to arrive.

This illness has taken its toll and I still

am feeling exhausted. I think being really

emotionally drained at the same time was

a bit too much for my body to handle.

Big things are happening.

We ALL feel it.

We spent a great deal of time

over the week of break talking

about what is working and what

isn't working for our family.

We prayed and talked about our

hopes, dreams and plans.

We talked about what bothers us

and what we love.

We discussed what each of us can

do to try to make things better

during this stressful time.

We ultimately started a deep discussion

about what bridges need to burn and

which bridges we need to cross.

No decisions have been made

but options are deeply being explored.

Change is coming soon

for our family and

it will be for the better.

AGJYUA6YTGR

Non-Refundable

What were they thinking?

Friday April 9, 2010
Adoption freeze urged after boy returned to Russia
By NATALIYA VASILYEVA

MOSCOW
Russia should freeze all child adoptions with U.S. families, the country's foreign minister urged Friday after an American woman allegedly put her 8-year-old adopted Russian son on a one-way flight back to his homeland.

Artyom Savelyev arrived in Moscow unaccompanied on a United Airlines flight Thursday from Washington, the Kremlin children's rights office said Friday.

The children's office said the boy, whose adoptive name is Justin Hansen, was carrying a letter from his adoptive mother, Torry Hansen of Shelbyville, Tennessee, saying she was returning him due to severe psychological problems.

"This child is mentally unstable. He is violent and has severe psychopathic issues," the letter said, according to Russian officials, who sent what they said was a copy of the letter to The Associated Press. The authenticity of the letter could not be independently verified.
The U.S. ambassador to Russia, John Beyrle, said he was "deeply shocked by the news" and "very angry that any family would act so callously toward a child that they had legally adopted."
The boy is now in the hospital in northern Moscow for a checkup, Anna Orlova, spokeswoman for Kremlin's Children Rights Commissioner Pavel Astakhov, told The Associated Press.
Orlova, who visited Savelyev on Friday, said the child reported that his mother was "bad," "did not love him," and used to pull his hair.

Savelyev was adopted late September last year from the town of Partizansk in Russia's Far East.
He turned up at the door of the Russian Education and Science Ministry on Thursday afternoon accompanied by a Russian man who had been hired by Savelyev's adopted grandmother to pick him up from the airport, according to the ministry. The chaperone handed over the boy and his documents, and then left, officials said.

The education minister said later Friday that it had decided to suspended the license of World Association for Children and Parents -- a Renton, Washington-based agency that processed Savelyev's adoption -- for the duration of the probe.

Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said in televised remarks that the ministry would recommend that the U.S. and Russia hammer out an agreement before any new adoptions are allowed.
"We have taken the decision ... to suggest a freeze on any adoptions to American families until Russia and the USA sign an international agreement" on the conditions for adoptions and the obligations of host families, Lavrov was quoted as saying.
Lavrov said the U.S. had refused to negotiate such an accord in the past but "the recent event was the last straw."

Last year, nearly 1,600 Russian children were adopted in the United States, according to Tatyana Yakovleva of the ruling United Russia party.
Rob Johnson, a spokesman for the Tennessee Department of Children's Services, said the agency is looking into the allegations, although they do not handle international adoptions.
Torry Ann Hansen is listed as a licensed registered nurse in Shelbyville, Tenn., according to the Tennessee Department of Health's Web site. No work address is listed.
Her name appears in a list of August 2007 graduates from Middle Tennessee State University in Murfreesboro, Tenn., with a Masters of Science in Nursing degree.
United Airlines allows unaccompanied children as young as 5 years old on direct flights. Children age 8 and above can catch connecting flights, as well. A United spokesperson wasn't immediately available to comment.
----------------------
Associated Press writer Kristin Hall in Nashville, Tennessee, and Joshua Freed in Minneapolis contributed to this report.

A Worthy Need

Before reading this post thanks so much for the comments about the last one and I will answer all your questions soon. I have been very sick this week with the cold turned sinus infection and my emotions are on overload because my body is very tired. I just needed to write this and get it out and off my mind and heart for good- wishing it away wasn't working.

Last week in the middle of pneumonia and breathing treatments we had a big kind of thing going on. I don't feel that I can share specifically what was going on with the world- but it was exciting. A friend from church had stopped by to let me know someone had called her with a huge possible blessing for her and her family. She didn't feel that she needed the blessing and thought of my family and wondered if we might need it. The overall potential behind the blessing was that it would get the word out about Haiti and about "our" organization- The Medical Advocacy Team. It would remind the world how much Haiti has suffered, how resilient the Haitian people are, and how we can not forget them during this time of healing and rebuilding.

This friend from church shares my same sentiments about Haiti. Actually we are blessed that most of our large church community shares a passion for Haiti and a desire to serve. And we live in a county in the NW where there are a lot of programs based for Haiti and people doing big things for the country. While I knew that it would be an amazing blessing for our family and ultimately for Haiti- Robert and I had to take some time to really mull over things and pray about it.

We called our family and friends. People that we respect that have always given good sound advice in the past. We wanted to share with them the situation and see if they could give us some feedback. We knew that in moving forward with the hope of something happening it meant really opening ourselves up to the world. Although we aren't exactly "private" people given this blog etc. we do keep many things private- like our children's histories. Dark moments in life for our children- times before they were a part of our family. We also felt like opening ourselves up made us vulnerable and that was scary. We have always found it hard to ask for help or say when WE NEED something.

When we first started an international adoption years ago... we decided to fund raise. This only lasted a couple months and then we decided that we would not ask for donations from people. It was awkward for us and our family size was already bigger than most and most people wouldn't understand why would we want to adopt if "we couldn't afford it." We don't have any problem with people who choose to go that route and feel that grants and loans and such are out there to be used. For us- we just wanted to do it on our own. There were times that we were blessed with financial gifts towards our adoptions and we are forever grateful- but we did not feel like we could solicit donations. Now asking for donations for a specific "cause" or "need" for someone else- ahem- I seem to be getting pretty good at that! :)

So call it prideful, or foolish, or understandable. Each family has to do what is best for them and right for them and I am certainly not here to judge that. Having a large family to us has meant at times that people say things to us, or behind our backs to question how we do things. The top questions other people receive about our family are: "What does her husband do?" "How big is their house?" and "How can they afford so many children?" I think living life knowing that is what some people are wondering is an additional cause of why I hate asking for help. I don't like to ask people to watch my children, I don't like to ask people to help me at all, I don't like to let people know when things are tight financially, I don't like to talk about my husbands job situation, I don't like anyone to think.... "yes- SEE- this is TOO much for them!"
I tell you this so you understand where we come from.

So moving forward with this possible blessing meant we had to admit we needed HELP bigger than what we were ever going to be able to do for our children and family. It was REALLY hard to make that decision. Especially for this "tough as nails" kind of woman I am who thinks she can do anything and doesn't ever want to admit otherwise. There was a time crunch in getting a long list of requirements completed and we moved forward with them not knowing in the end if we would ever send in the paperwork or not. We shed many tears for Haiti and prayed that this truly would be an honor to Haiti and to HIM ultimately. Especially since we are already SO blessed compared to most of the world- especially Haiti- and truly there were far more deserving and needy people there that this honor could be bestowed upon.

We moved forward and sent everything in at the last minute. We felt peace about it and made sure to convey our feelings and intentions- and our hopes for what might come of this for the people we love in Haiti. And to make this decision came down to one- or actually... 15 reasons why we should do this. Why we should put ourselves out there for the world in the hopes of a fleeting blessing that may or may not someday happen. We don't deserve anything. We have done nothing worthy to deserve this gift. We have done nothing but walk through doors that God opened for us and we have already received our prize and our gift for walking through those doors. A life of moments of concrete bliss stacked back to back- minute to minute filled with joy and pleasure and togetherness. And challenges that are great which once overcome have resulted in closeness and comfort and peace in our hearts. And the ultimate of all gifts- HIS everlasting love and forgiveness- and knowing in our hearts we are living the life HE wants for us. What more is there? A potential big blessing and a prize too?

But for them- for our children- they deserve everything. Each and every single one of them has overcome adversity that I can't begin to explain or wrap my head around. Days where we wondered if they would live and days where we believed they would never love, never find safety, closure, self worth, esteem, or the intellect to understand their stories. So are they worthy? Yes. Is there a need? Yes.
And with that we moved ahead.
And with that came some hurt.

To find out that people close to the situation of a "remote chance at a big blessing" would question our need or intention for moving forward has been painful. Like Angeline trying to use her walker at the strawberry fields and feeling proud about trying, yet feeling self conscious about the other kids seeing her. The kids outside our family. Being aware enough to know the way she moves her body doesn't look the same as everyone else. But knowing that she wanted to get into the field and help pick strawberries just like everyone else and then hearing a little boy mocking her devastated her for many months but also gave her a strong determination to overcome the challenges she has been presented in her little life. Now I think that I understand a little how she might have been feeling. Feeling vulnerable and not knowing what to do- but opening up and then having it go exactly how we had hoped it wouldn't. A little salt on our wounds and dirt in our faces.... Ultimately we don't regret moving forward with the possibility of a blessing but we do feel awkward about the whole thing.

We pray that the purpose of it all is revealed to us soon. :)

And in the meantime we find strong determination to overcome all the negativity and let it go. Perhaps with writing about it will give me the final freedom to release it all. The permission to not ask for help and the understanding of others that it isn't "how" we do things that is important but the mere fact that WE DO THEM is enough.

Chore Time

(This post is cross posted at Large Family Co-Op.)

One of the first reactions that I typically get from people when they come over for the first time is... "Wow- your house is SO clean!"

Now my home isn't perfectly clean ALL of the time- but its neat, orderly, somewhat organized and hygiene is a big priority. I imagine that when most people know how many children live here they assume that its a "big chaotic free for all." We work together as a team to keep things this way.

There are some larger families that don't let the "older" children have a huge role in the adult responsibilities. I will honestly admit that if my older children didn't step in and fill some of the adult roles day to day things would NEVER get done. I am one person and I can't be everything to everyone every second of the day or I would go bonkers. So its fairly normal to see each older child paired with a younger child and outside playing for an hour so that the adults can get things done inside. It's also normal in our family to see Lauren reordering medication for the month and David changing the laundry over and Grace making a grocery list. All things that in most families "the parents" would handle all of it. Frankly- I am NOT super Mom. If I choose to spend my entire day running around cleaning up after little people I wouldn't have anytime to ENJOY my children or my life at all.

And keeping our home clean is NOT an option. With so many people in a small space its likely everyone will get sick over and over. We try to limit that as much as possible especially for Jude and Angeline who can't afford anymore illness than they already have going on.

So that was my little "speech" before I share with you our chore list for this month. Because there are going to be some of you out there who think "Wow- her kids really do A LOT." And I am the first to tell you that YES- they do A LOT. I agree! We all do A LOT. :)

Starting a Chore Chart:

You should be able to click on our chore list for April above and make it larger. If your just starting chores in your home- please take things slowly. Start out with a really specific chore list that would be something like this:

"Sally- straighten the couches, sweep the living room, put away the toys in the living room where they belong, put shoes in the shoe bin, put any papers or magazines on Moms desks, put books on the book shelf, dust every other day (MWF)."

Sally's chore is basically "the living room". But if you tell Sally to "clean the living room" and you don't give specific requests or stay in the living room and clean it with Sally a few times- then Sally will have no clue what you expect. Sally will take everything on the floor and tables and dump them into a laundry basket in the corner and then skip the sweeping and actual cleaning. If Sally is 6- then I would clean the chore with her a few times until she gets used to it. If Sally is 12- then Sally should be able to follow her list without too much trouble. You might want to write the lists for each room on index cards to start with. You could even make copies of these so they can check them off as they complete them.

Changing Chores:

We used to change chores each week but honestly we are too busy to write a new chore list each week. So now we do it monthly and we separate the chores by room. At one point we had a JOB WHEEL and rotated the wheel daily just to mix things up a bit. You don't have to buy that one because its fairly easy to make your own. Again- that does make doling out responsibilities more time consuming.

We also have a rule that we never change chores without being sure that we did our very best before passing it on to the next person. After a month of doing the same chore everyone is really ready to do something new so they typically do their best job without too much coaxing.

Super Clean Saturday:

Each Saturday we super clean. Sometimes we super clean on Friday evening if we have plans for Saturday morning. We try to change chores the day after the super clean because it just makes the most sense. So during super clean Sally would be expected to step it up a bit in the living room and her chore would include extra things like:

"Take the cushions off the couch and vacuum it, move the couches and sweep under them, wipe off the toys and the door handles, sweep and mop the floor, shake out the rug by the front door, spot treat the couch and if needed take the cover off the couch and put it in the laundry room."

Now of course if Sally is 6- this is too much. Mom or Dad will need to partner with Sally in order to get these things done together. If your interested in knowing what takes place on super clean Saturday in the other rooms in the house- just email me and I will make a list.

But basically we find that if we expect a lot- they typically do a good job. And we always PRAISE PRAISE for trying and never would we expect more than they are capable of. That brings me to the next key point- Standards... your going to have to lower them a little especially at first!

Uncooperative Children:

At our house if our children don't want to be a part of the team to clean then they aren't a part of the team to play either. So things like going outside, or on the computer, or ice skating, swimming etc. won't happen later that day or evening unless the chores are done. If we have a child raging- which one in particular does from time to time... we just let her take all the time that she needs to get her job done. We reinforce to her that we don't expect her to do it RIGHT NOW if she just can't and that it will be there when she is ready to do it. Then we move on with our lives. Typically not too much time passes and she is ready to get her things done. Planning something fun and exciting helps to encourage timely chore doing.

We also have enough children that we find a lot of peer pressure to be a part of the team. It works in the favor of everything functioning well.

Setting timers around the house also works if you have big plans and need everyone to move a little quicker to get everything done. It also makes it more fun.

Small Children:

Jude is one and he picks up his toys.

We have a small wood box of toys in the living room for Jude and he can pick them up and put them away and he only has partial function of his legs. So please don't disable your able bodied small children! Everyone can help do something! Pairing up older and younger children is a good idea or keep the younger children with you. Put old socks over their hands and let them dust with their "dust eating puppets". Make it fun- they will join in!

And if all else fails give them some cleaner to spray.

Cleaner:

Of course you would not want to give your toddler or preschooler a bottle of chemicals to spray. We like to use child friendly and safe cleaner- sometimes we make our own. We also have the heavy duty stuff in the back of the cupboard for the "big" kids and Mom and Dad to use when needed. We really love these products because they make a concentrated all purpose cleaner. Its safe to use and environmentally friendly. We can also make a bottle of it that's really watered down for the little ones to use. If it doesn't do anything else- it keeps them busy! (Of course we would monitor them with the bottle of cleaner even if its watered down.)

What the Parents do:

We divide and conquer. We micro manage. No- we typically are right along side of the kids helping to get things done. Or else we are paying the bills, fixing something, giving the baby a breathing treatment, or spending one on one time with someone while doing their chore with them. We are providing encouragement, direction, and back up help where needed.

Finished already?

When the chores are done then everyone cleans their bedrooms. And if that is done as well then we encourage the children to step in and help with their siblings jobs. Maybe there was a big mess in the toy room and its taken extra time to get it organized- we will send those children who are done out there to help with that job as well.

Time:

This doesn't take us a lot of time- because for the most part- the house is already clean because we do it EVERY day. So the up keep doesn't take as long and the reward is great. We know where things are and we get to live in a clean home.

On weekends we clean right after breakfast then just do a "pick up" before dinner. On school days we do a pick up and sweep after the kids leave for school and then the "chores" take place after school. For children who are in sports or activities after school- we try to have most of the chore done for them and they finish when they get home. This just comes down to there only being so many hours in the day and some days David leaves here at 7am and isn't home until 9pm if they had away soccer games. That would be pretty unfair to have him then go complete his whole chore. Being reasonable and considerate are important.

School Days:

We expect everyone to bring up their dirty laundry each morning, pick up their room/chore if needed and make their beds. We realize that some mornings this doesn't happen so well and we offer grace on those days and will get to it after school. But I do get ticked if they don't bring the laundry up- that's the one thing that needs to be done each day no matter what. (Because Mom does laundry all day long to get it done and there is nothing more frustrating then getting it finished and everyone bringing up dirty clothes from the day before!)

Compensation:

We don't have the money to compensate our children nor do we believe that it motivates them anymore than positive reinforcement and getting to work hard and play hard together. The reward is feeling good about doing a job well done. We have done reward systems for things like behavior modification which we have implemented when needed in the past.

If the children need to earn money for something then we always have jobs they can do to earn money like mowing the grass, weeding, touch up painting, super cleaning the van, organizing the storage room etc.

Child Training:

My sister is a horse trainer. I trained my dog not to go to the bathroom in the house. I do not train my children. I set an example and encourage them to work together as part of "the team". I don't believe in using the word training when it comes to parenting my children and functioning as a family. I don't have a problem with people who might call this child training but I don't use that terminology because to me it implies that they are somehow incompetent or incapable and I would never want my children to think that about themselves. Because the complete opposite is actually true- they are SO capable and SO competent.


Any Questions?

Leave me a comment. I would love to answer them and I encourage each one of you to start a household cleaning program that works for your family. I see far too many women that run themselves ragged trying to keep up with the housework. There is far more to life than housework!

Today I will:

Today I will remember to tell you that on Saturday we got the BIG call. Dominick has been chosen to play the part of Percy in The Miracle Worker. He starts his rehearsals tonight and I am only worried about one thing right now- figuring out where we are going to be able to park at the college to drop him off. We spent most of the afternoon on Saturday going over his lines, highlighting them, and watching the clips from The Miracle Worker- the old and new versions- that we found on YouTube.

Today I will not use being awake from 3:30am- 6:30am as an excuse for not completing the rest of my to-do list. I will not use the fact that I have a sore throat and know I am getting "the cold" that is going around as any remote kind of reason for not being able to complete the rest of this list. I will appreciate that fact that although being awake for three hours in the middle of the night is a problem for most. I am grateful because it gave me time to watch a documentary about autism, straighten the fridge, wipe it out, wipe the counters down, refill the Brita containers and water bottles and to wipe the sink out. What I should have done when I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 3:30am was to immediately take a melatonin and close my eyes. Lesson learned.

Today in the middle of breathing treatments and boogie wiping and listening to whining teens I will remember how thankful I am to NOT be in San Diego right now. Yesterday we would have been checking into our vacation rental about the time the earthquake happened. I am thankful I didn't spend the money we don't have right now and thankful for not driving that far with lots of small children and thankful that I am not sitting in San Diego worried about what the earthquake meant and wondering if we should just go home.

Today I will read and reply to each of the emails that are in my inbox. This will take me a long time. Mostly because of ME. Because I don't like to write short little replies to big important questions. So having a boat load of distractions going on around me has made me put off many things that need my attention.

Today I will convince my husband that he should take most of the children somewhere fun. Like the movies or the indoor play place. Today I will encourage him with love and kindness and not threats. (lol)

Today I will remember how much fun yesterday was.... spending Easter day at the zoo with a big picnic lunch. It was lovely. And so exciting to see Isaac's reactions to all the animals in person for the first time. I hope that you had a wonderful Easter.

Today I will get things ready to be mailed. I have several items on that to-do list that have been waiting too long.

Today I will remember to pray for a good friend who has a BIG life change coming up this week. I will try to think of all the things that I have to tell her which might be helpful to her about adopting an older child.

Today I will NOT count how many times my teen girls look in the mirror nor will I mention it to them.

Today I will change the chore list and write a good post about CHORES and family team work.

Stuff going on here...

(80's night dance Sophie, Cole and Grace)

Jude seems to be on the mend- yeah! We moved all his appointments up to see the Pulmonary doctor and for his CT scan and shunt check with the neurosurgeon so we only have two weeks to wait and hope that he doesn't get sick again in that time period.

Angeline didn't wake up with a fever but her cough sounds terrible still. Joy has gotten so used to Angeline coughing- then puking that she spent last night at the table eating her pizza while holding the puke bucket. You should have seen Joy balancing her paper plate, slice of pizza, the bottle of ranch and the puke bucket around her arm. What a great big sister she is to Angeline. :)

I should have told her not to worry about it but it was so endearing to see her offer such TLC to Angeline.

I am still trying to sort out what we can do for Laurens birthday and some fun over the next week. We cleared most of our schedule and my sister is available to stay with whomever- so we are debating just loading up the van and heading out to see what kind of adventure we can find along the way. Then the other part of me thinks it might be best to just stay home and do fun stuff around here- I don't know why I can't ever make a decision. There MUST be something wrong with me.

This morning we managed to get our work out in early and then home for getting the kids ready for school then over to the school for Angeline's annual IEP meeting. It went really well. She is progressing leaps and bounds with her physical delays and social/emotional stuff is coming along. There is some concern with her fine motor skills and processing abstract thoughts so we are going to work on those and keep moving right along. She told her teachers that she wasn't coming back to school next year- that she was going home schooled. So we will see how things go after this summer because the plan is for her to go back to school. I am working up some way in my head that I might be able to convince them to let me pay and send Isaac there as a typically developing peer- just not sure that they will go for it or not.

We are expecting a really terrible wind storm here today so we need to head outside and tie everything down.... its getting nasty already. More soon.