Bullet Post- Halloween edition Old School

("The Uninvited" 2002)

• I have about half of my body in the bed already as I write this and the Melatonin Plus (Costco we love you) is kicking in.
• We are having our annual Halloween party tomorrow and I am rotating caramel apples and the eggs in and out of the fridge because we are out of space in two fridges and one large freezer. That's pretty sad.
• Kendra- I forgot to call you back about the bubble machine so I am going to blog about it so I don't forget. I couldn't find one for your haunted house (the kids are so excited) but we want you all to come over for dinner if you can before T or T time. I can make some vegan home made pizza- not to worry. I even have the fake pepperoni. Don't get too excited. Call me. :)
• I have been really bad about returning phone calls and emails in case you were wondering. It's kind of been a long week.
• I have officially become Hard Core. I think that I have spent way too much time letting people take advantage of me- hard core is the only way to be here on out. (Did you see Grey's Anatomy this week?)
• My husband is officially OFF work for now. Hello winter before November. Pray for a new contracts soon. I can only take so much court TV and girly love movies. (lol just kidding honey- I am making a to-do list for you!)
• First thing on the to-do list is to re-ferberize baby Bear because he is currently unferberized and crying. Second thing is that if you want to have long hair (midlife crisis boy) then you need to learn how to put in your own pony tail. You have lots of time on your hands now honey for this sort of thing. (teeheehee)

("Freddie Krueger" and "Jason"

Jeremy and Danny 2003)

• Lauren has been carving her pumpkin for 3 hours. I think she is going for the world record art piece here- pictures coming soon- its got a theme I think.
• I bought Boursin for the party tomorrow. Do you know this cheese? I had skipped dinner because I was elbow deep in a pumpkin and then got hungry after the fact. David and I at the whole thing. I still feel ill hours later but it was so good.
• I wanted to post something about the news article about the HIV ban. I know that the ban was affecting many adoptive parents. When it was time for their precious newly adopted children to come "home" to the USA- they would then have their Visa denied and have to apply for a special Visa waiver in order to bring their children home. It added time, confusion, and hassle to their process for their children who need to come home faster than other children. So this was truly a blessed event!
  
  

("Pirates of the Carribean"- Cole 2002)

• I wanted to put out a reminder about the bloggy world- people are not always what they seem to be portraying themselves as. Situations aren't always what they are portraying them to be either and you have to be careful folks! Just be aware of that. (Just a friendly safety and reality reminder.)
• Angeline had her regular flu shot this week. I had an entire pack of gum in my purse for her to claim as her own when the shot was over. She was so brave. Only her bottom lip quivered for a few seconds while it was being injected- then she said "thanks for my shot!" to the nurse and held her little hand out for her gum. "Thatta girl Beanie!"
• Bear has two potential Halloween costumes and I don't know which one we will have him wear. One is more masculine and one is more feminine (a flower). He just looks so darn cute with those big eyes and that big flower around his head!
• Angeline has been talking a lot about her van that was on fire. She also hasn't been wanting to attend school since she had the H1N1. Its been very challenging to get her on the bus in the morning. She only made it one day last week. The situation is only made worse by the fact that they have changed bus drivers SEVEN times and we never know who is going to show up at our door. I called and vented to three district employees about the situation. Particularly disturbing was the driver who didn't know how to use the wheelchair lift. Pray for her sweet heart. We will start the transition thing again on Monday and see if it helps her feel better about going to school.
• We feel at the weeks end that we have a better grasp on what exactly is going on with Isaac's file and we ask for your continued prayers. More soon...
• We will be going trick or treating on Halloween, we will also likely have all the older children go to a haunted house at the school late tonight with the "dads". We don't feel as if we are doing anything more than a family tradition and a fun time. Keep in mind that my husband and I were both raised Catholic and came from that perspective- if you care to read more- go here. http://www.ancient-future.net/halloween.html or here http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/80008/it_is_halloween_what_is_a_christian.html?cat=7 I am thankful to have several other Christian families coming over to join in our traditions and we feel good about that!
  
• HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

("children of the corn"

sophie 2003)

Hot off the press! Great news!

Obama lifts ban on US entry for those with HIV


By DARLENE SUPERVILLE, Associated Press Writer Darlene Superville, Associated Press Writer – 57 mins ago

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said Friday the U.S. will overturn a 20-year-old U.S. travel ban against people with HIV early next year.
The order will be finalized on Monday, Obama said, completing a process begun during the Bush administration.
The U.S. has been one of about a dozen countries that bar entry to travelers based on their HIV status. Obama said it will be lifted just after the new year, after a waiting period of about 60 days.
"If we want to be a global leader in combatting HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it," Obama said at the White House before signing a bill to extend the Ryan White HIV/AIDS program. Begun in 1990, the program provides medical care, medication and support services to about half a million people, most of them low-income.
The bill is named for an Indiana teenager who contracted AIDS through a blood transfusion at age 13. White went on to fight AIDS-related discrimination against him and others like him and help educate the country about the disease. He died in April 1990 at the age of 18.
His mother, Jeanne White-Ginder, attended the signing ceremony, as did several members of Congress and HIV/AIDS activists.
In 1987, at a time of widespread fear and ignorance about HIV, the Department of Health and Human Services added the disease to the list of communicable diseases that disqualified a person from entering the U.S.
The department tried in 1991 to reverse its decision but was opposed by Congress, which in 1993 went the other way and made HIV infection the only medical condition explicitly listed under immigration law as grounds for inadmissibility to the U.S.
The law effectively has kept out thousands of students, tourists and refugees and has complicated the adoption of children with HIV. No major international AIDS conference has been held in the U.S. since 1993, because HIV-positive activists and researchers cannot enter the country.
Obama said lifting the ban "is a step that will save lives" by encouraging people to get tested and to get treatment.
Rachel B. Tiven, executive director of Immigration Equality, said the ban pointlessly has barred people from the U.S. and separated families with no benefit to public health.
"Now, those families can be reunited, and the United States can put its mouth where its money is: ending the stigma that perpetuates HIV transmission, supporting science and welcoming those who seek to build a life in this country," said Tiven, whose organization works for fairness in immigration for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and HIV-positive people.

Apples and Punkins

Each year we love going to this apple orchard.

You can't actually pick the apples there.

BUT you can drive around the whole farm

on golf carts- and that is a blast.

Ok so I admit it...

this was the 2nd time I went this fall.

The last time was with Kim and her little boys.

We had Lauren's help and four small children with us.

So we certainly had our hands full.

We still floored it.

So irresponsible I know.

Thankfully they don't go very fast.

Since we had already eaten the entire LARGE box of

honey crisp apples that I bought the last time I was here.

We knew that we wanted to come back and buy a bunch more.

After church on Sunday was the perfect time for a little adventure

on a crisp day. We didn't tell the kids where we were going.

When we arrived most of the children jumped out of the van

and ran over to the golf cart that Dad had claimed. Leaving

Lauren and I, along with Dominick and Lulu in ours.

Since we had less people... aka- "Less Bulk and Weight"

We went faster.

So we raced away down the aisles of trees.

Lauren and I even stuck our leg out the side and

pretended to push the cart along Flinestone style.

Each time we would come back down an aisle and

see Dad and his passengers we would scream and

race away again. At one point we went down an

aisle that was blocked at the end.

Apparently I was in such a hurry that I missed

seeing the road block. No fear- Lauren was there!

She hopped off the cart and pushed the farm thing

out of the way!

We raced past the horses and cows.
And past some pumpkin fields.
Dominick hopped off and picked a
pumpkin in record speed.
And off we went...
Back to the shop for hot cider.
Apples, caramel, and cider to bring home.

The perfect fall day had by all.

Dominick and his pumpkin

Cole so handsome

Happy Beanie

Grace and Bear

Bean, Lulu and David


Happy Fall.

Privacy

A few days ago I wrote some posts about adoption disruption. During the last week I have had several great conversations with the new family of one of the children whom I was speaking about. Given that I am friends with the old family and the new family I have to respect the new families wishes and this child's privacy for their new life has already begun. Yes yes- what a Blessing! And a story full of miracles and how things really came around full circle for this child.


The new adoptive family is requesting that all reference to this child or their situation be taken off the internet. So I did go back and change the posts to remove any of the identifying information. Just in case you read those posts and wonder why they seem slightly cryptic. I agree with the notion that this child has the right to privacy. The right to a new lease on life. The right to heal and move on. The right to be all that he can be. And I would hate to think that I contributed to this child feeling less than, or created anymore negative feelings towards this child than already existed.


While respecting privacy issues I wanted to also ask for your prayers for the families involved. May both families work together to forever do their best for "their child." May their families seek counseling to help heal from all that they have suffered and been through during these trying times. May the counseling help them to understand what they are feeling and help them to process their feelings in a constructive and positive way. Pray that the child will be able to move on and attach to the new family after multiple traumas and moves over the course of their lifetime. May the child be able to grow and become all that they can and that the child will continue to walk with the Lord our Savior.


On another note... I added a new link to the side bar. After my posts about disruption I was contacted by this program about putting a link to their therapy counseling website on my blog. While I don't have first hand experience in working with this particular counseling referral program, I was impressed that in one fast click you can find resources to help with your adoption mental health questions. There is lack of resources for most families who deal with mental health issues especially those that are enhanced by adoption issues. As a Mother who has some children with mental health needs it has become clear to me that these issues are just as prevalent to my family as those issues of my children with medical or learning needs. We can't "will" or "love" our children better. It is our duty as their parents to seek professional help when needed especially with our children who are adopted and for whom have been entrusted to us with sordid histories and heavy emotional baggage. So if your family is in turmoil, or you find some less than happy moments heavy on your heart, check on the link to the right. I receive no financial or other gain from posting the link on my side bar- I just thought it might be a good resource to help someone.

3am

I woke up last night at 3am and was wide awake. The kind of awake where you can't go back to sleep. Where you just know you must get up and do something because laying there wishing you would relax wasn't going to work.
I had been dreaming about Isaac. I can only remember bits and pieces of most of the dream. I saw him with his Daddy. And I could see him touching his Daddy's scratchy beard and I made a mental note that I would buy Isaac the "Pat the Bunny" book. Although he isn't a baby anymore I knew that he would love the tactile part of the book and I didn't want him to miss out on patting the bunny like all our other children got to do. I remember the way my husbands smile looked as he felt his rough beard.
I remember short small joy filled parts of the dream. I can remember feeling Isaac in my arms and thinking that he felt thin, frail but so long and tall. Much taller and older than I remembered him from the last time that I saw him. I remember that he was also so much wiser than I would have thought. I could sense his old soul about him. I could feel his story wrap around my senses like the ease of ink on paper.
And then it became a scary dream. We were in the bathroom that Lauren repainted. I remember the feel of the aqua paint on the backs of my palms. I remember the feel of the tiles on my knees. It was painful on my knees but not nearly as painful as the moments I was witnessing. I saw Isaac leaning over the toilet and vomiting and vomiting. The vomit looked like eggs at first. I made a mental note that I shouldn't give him anymore eggs. After he would vomit, eyes bulging and watering he would stand up, he would jump up and down and leave his mouth hanging open in disgust. He would cry and jump and scream at the bad taste in his mouth. I would offer paper towels and try to wipe the vomit out of his mouth but it kept coming and he kept getting more and more upset. I then started crying and he fell forward into the toilet spewing blood all over the outside of the rim. It was dripping down onto the white tile and he stopped screaming and the pain took over his whole face. He clutched his stomach and I could see the heaving of his bony ribs in and out. I called out for God and was hysterical at this point and I was screaming- "you bastards! you bastards!"
Then I woke up.
Crying.
Wide awake.
Unable to go back to sleep. And I am still awake. Wondering what all that meant. Wondering why we dream the things that we do. Wondering if my son is OK. Wondering if the miracle will come and our son will come home soon. Its an empty place to be as a Mom when your child is so far away for so long. Its like carrying on through each day but never feeling full or complete.

Please pray for my son.

This week.

This week I am praying for answers. Many answers

to questions of things that I have hanging over my

head at this point in my life.

And maybe putting some fires out...

while getting some new ones lit.

I have a gaggle of appointments to make.
Does that ever happen to you?
The weeks roll by and you realize that
seven children are due for eye exams?

My children are still enjoying public school. Praise the Lord!
The older ones have conferences and early release most
of this week. I have checked in with all their teachers
and they are all doing WONDERFULLY. Much better than
I could have hoped and I don't have to attend conferences
for any of them. (Just check in emails are OK.)
While I love to be involved... I am grateful not to have
conferences for the older children x 8 teachers each approx.
That would be the whole week!
(And it would mean I missed out on spending time with
them when they are out of school early.)

I have one teacher for one of the younger children
that has had a really tough time with communicating
from school to home. I have two conferences set up with
this one person in the next few weeks. So please pray
that we are able to meet eye to eye to help my child
who needs the most help of everyone. This child just
happened to get placed into a relatively "new" teachers
classroom and this teacher had issues with being...
incommunicado.

My husband should be laid off this week.
Saturday when he worked he was in a confined space.
He is licensed to work in "confined spaces".
What a lucky guy.
NOT.
He was in a LARGE septic tank under the ground.
At an elementary school... ewww....
and he had to clean it out.

He had to wear a mask and suit.
He had to change the suit more than once
because it got that soiled.
He nearly threw up several times.

I wouldn't be thrilled about the idea of being under
the ground in anything. Let alone a poop holder under
the ground. Talk about dirty jobs...
Maybe this was God's way of preparing his heart
and mind for the lay off. IT WORKED! :)
We found some one way options of flights to PAP, HAITI.
From Seattle- to Vegas- to Florida- to PAP.
(More than one airline with different tickets
from different websites...)
Under $300.
This might fit our current budget.
So if he is going- we would like a plan soon.
Praying about this.

We are also busy this week preparing for our
annual Halloween party. Yeah!
My children have come up with great costumes this year.
This past weekend we did all the "fall things"...
Pumpkin in the pool.
(200 pumpkins put in the public pool
so you can swim and pick a pumpkin-
they clean them first- not to worry!)
Apple picking.
Scary movies.
(pictures soon)

What are you doing this week?
Blessings for a happy week for you.

Pumpkin

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up, takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see. Happy Fall!

She sleeps

This was our first picture of sweet Angeline.

She had the chubbiest cheeks.

And looked so peaceful and content.

And here she is now.

I can't believe how tiny she was and how strong

and BIG she is now. She is amazing.

Oh my sweet baby Bean...

She loves to have her nails painted.
And she loves to "correct" her Mom when
I say something wrong.
She loves her brothers and sisters.
And finds her baby Bear irritating at times.

She always thinks of others first.
Especially her brother Isaac.
Anytime she has a treat, or a new special "thing"-
she asks for us to "have one for Isaac too."
I can't even wait until they are TOGETHER.
It's going to be AMAZING.

My husband might be laid off soon.

Please pray for work- winters are slow.

We were worried and in a "moment"

earlier this week.

Then he had some clarity...

this has to be because Isaac is

coming home. Or because my husband

is going to Haiti to help get Isaac home.

One or the other.

It must be in the plan.

More soon...

Happy 4th Birthday Isaac

Happy Birthday Isaac.

Happy FOUR YEARS big boy.

We miss you SO much.

I bet that your going to eat cake today.

And maybe even help bake it.

And get to lick the spoon

and your fingers-

which is the best part.

I hope that your presents made it there in time.

When you come home- we will have four

years of birthdays to make up for.

I wish that I could be there with you today.

We pray for you, your caretakers who love you

and for your adoption each and every day.

You have waited far too long son.

I think that I might have said that on your

last birthday- and even the one before that.

I know that sometimes life doesn't feel fair.

Especially when you see your friends

Mothers and Fathers coming to

bring them home.

And we assure you son- we feel the same.

Life isn't fair sometimes at all.

Life is crap sometimes.

This wait is crap.

But we know your going

to come home soon.

Just keep praying.

We love you birthday boy.

Adoption Disruption- My final thoughts

There has been some good conversation going on over at ANOTHER BLOG... since today is a big day for our family (post coming soon) I am just going to leave you with a couple more thoughts before moving on to normal blogging. :)

Blog commenter Vicky had some insightful words:
Also, maybe it's my interpretation of disruption, but I think if a child is permanently removed from the home (whether by adoption, foster care, or long-term out-of-home placement), it's a disruption.

Good Point Vicky.
However...
There is a fundamental difference between choosing a placement outside of the HOME for your child and choosing a NEW FAMILY and a NEW MOM for the child that you stood in front of a judge and said you wanted to parent. You agreed that you would give the child who you have adopted the same legal rights and responsibilities as a birth child. The same right to inheritance and you agreed to see them in the same light.

I do believe that in most cases where a biological child does something to cross the line of being able to keep everyone safe in the home that in most cases the parents would choose a placement outside of the HOME but not outside of the FAMILY RELATIONSHIP. They would want to work with that child in specific therapy meant for whatever problem is occurring and they would want to maintain being a Mother or a Father to that child.

I see that Vicky had also said that she would have chosen a disruption for one of L's biological children if the circumstances were so that the crisis involved them. Would that disruption detail include a placement outside of the home? Or placement with a new Mom and Dad and siblings?

Here are some more thoughts: (L in purple, my words in black)

I must disagree with one point, "Even children who have been horribly abused by their biological parents still long for them. A rotten Mom is still Mom." I was physically abused by my biological mother and I do not long for her.

and

I was physically and emotionally abused (by my mother) and s*xually abused (by a close friend). With the Lord's help and strength, I chose to break the cycle. Any child that has been abused or has been an abuser can CHOOSE to break the cycle, with the Lord's help.

I would have to say L that you are truly blessed with awesome faith and an amazing relationship with the Lord. While this is always an option for anyone who chooses it... there must have been something different in your story that gave you the fortitude to break the cycle. Something that if you could define and determine you would want to figure out for J. to ensure that he has a fleeting chance at breaking this cycle his life has been in for most of it.

More from Vicky:

J and L are not looking for just any family who will take their son. They're hoping and praying for a family that can meet his needs. They want God's best for him.The D family is a great family! I spent most of my teen years wishing they'd adopt ME!!! BUT, that does not mean they are the best family for their son to grow up in. If he stayed, it would not be "relatively normal" because the many safeguards you suggest are not "normal". What kind of a life is that? Wouldn't it be better if there were a family that could walk the loving road of healing with their son WITHOUT the extreme measures?

Dear Vicky-
Without seeming like a total B*tch... get a grip girl!
I don't think you have children yet- and I don't believe that your an adoptive parent. Not that those are two prerequisites for getting involved in this conversation. :)
Do you honestly think that their son is going to heal without extreme measures? The situation itself is extreme and its going to take extreme measures to get through this for his new family, for the D family, for whatever family he ends up in. Its going to take years and therapists and evaluations and TONS OF PRAYER.
To turn a blind eye and just believe that if the RIGHT FAMILY comes along for their son that he is going to be a-OK and everyone can carry on with daisies and hearts is so ridiculous! This is the kind of thing that breaks an entire family to shreds. The kind of thing that forever changes the future for that family.
This situation is "not normal" and going about it as you would with a "normal child" having "normal kind of child behaviors" is absurd, uneducated and plain DANGEROUS to suggest.
The new family will have to go through the same exact measures that the D family would have to go through if he were still going to be a part of their family. They will have to keep the same safeguards, counseling, therapy, evaluations, etc. And if they don't then they are at legal and ethical risk if he goes out and abuses someone else. A neighbor, a child at school, someone at church etc.
A new family- if its the "right family" doesn't mean that his history "goes away" and "gets all better". It just means that there is someone else meant to walk this walk through him but the challenges remain the same.

In closing I wanted to offer this link to read about short conversation about "can my parents unadopt me?"

My adoptive parents have after 33 years written a horrible letter telling us that they do not want any contact with us. I have two young boys age 4 & 5 and cannot understand how they can do this.They do not like the fact that we have contact with my birth parents after what they did to me. They have not talked to us about it, they can only write letters which are totally misinterpreted and misunderstood.Some parents just have something missing in them that allows them to abandon their children. I have been unfortunate to have two rubbish families.

I might be slightly sensitive as a sit here on my son Isaac's FOURTH birthday. He sits in Haiti, in an orphanage on his birthday- the FOURTH one without his Mom and Dad. I want nothing more than to have my son home with me here.
I have watched the entire process for the D family since they even started talking about adopting to the point that their adoption is now: Failing. I started the process to adopt my son BEFORE they started talking about adopting from Ghana. And I will bring my son home AFTER they have ended their adoption. There is just something really RAW about that. To know your son as a small baby and to watch him grow up without you is horrific.
To watch the D family walk through this and want nothing more than finality for their son away from their family yet at the same time want nothing more than my son here with me so we can have finality for our family is a hard place to be in. Two Moms longing for closure on two opposite ends of the spectrum.
Now that's something to think about.

Adoption Disruption

Most of you know that we used to be foster parents. In the years of foster parenting we cared for over fifty children. We only took in harder to place children- those with special needs- most typically- it was children with behavior or psychological issues. Or children from families with very intensive psychological problems and histories.
One time we had to give one of our foster children back. In the early stages of our foster parenting that placed with us was a sibling group of three children. All three of the children had varied psychological issue and all three had been intensive victims of trauma and instability for most of their lives.
Throughout the first months of their placement in our home we fell rapidly in love with them. "Young man" was 12, "Sweet Girl" was 9, and their little brother "Wild child" was 6. Sweet Girls sexual abuse started before her first year of age when blood was found in her diaper and we suspected that Young Man had also been a victim of sexual abuse. All three children had been neglected and emotionally abused beyond reason and physical abuse was a frequent thing as well. All three of them had different fathers but the biological father of Wild child was still married to the biological mother of all three. Both of the parents were committed to reunification, and both of these parents had SEVERE psychological issues.
Early in the placement we had been told that it was very unlikely that these three children would ever go home. We were committed to adopting them if it became an option. But we were also grounded in working hard to ensure that we gave their biological parents the best chance possible for the children to be able to go home. We were hyper vigilent foster parents and we documented everything. We took extra training, we read all the books we could get our hands on. We welcomed the children in our home but we also were careful to make sure that there was no abuse going on between the foster children and our five children at the time.
But we still failed. WE STILL FAILED. It was our job to keep everyone safe.
Young Man was very over protective of his younger siblings. A role which he had to have all of his life. We respected his role to an extent but also gave him ample opportunity to be off the hook and just to enjoy his childhood. At one point Wild Child came to us and confided in us that Young Man was physically abusing him. When Wild Child (with his ADHD and ODD- oppositional defiant disorder) would "mouth off" to Young Man- Young Man would hit him, hurt him and pummel him. We didn't know this has been going on for the 6 months that they had been with us. They both shared a room with two of our boys, when would there have been the chance for this to happen? Young man attended a different school (for adolescents with severe behavior issues) than Wild Child- so where would this have happened.
It happened. It didn't matter analyzing when or where.
We had to report it. And then they came to take Young Man with his belongings and his empire of emotional baggage off to residential treatment. We went to visit a few times and then it became apparent that we needed to just concentrate on Sweet Girl and Wild Child. Young Man didn't even want us there and was belligerent and rude to us. He upset all the other children and the drive was really far. We gave up on him.We felt horrible about having to stop seeing him. For many months I recall feeling lost a bit- like part of our family had died. Sweet Girl and Wild Child lived with us for three years. Their biological parents had done everything that they were supposed to do to get their children back. They had a stable home, jobs, and income. They took their parenting classes and passed their drug tests. They stayed on their meds and kept up with counseling. They even attended all their visits with the children and came to their children's counseling appointments at least once a month as they were asked. It was time for the children to go home. But the parents were still hugely inappropriate. It was a hard situation for the caseworkers to be in and even worse for the children.
We started the home study process to adopt Sweet Girl and Wild Child. And then they had a meeting with the social workers where they said that they wanted to go home. They missed Young Man and they missed their Mom and Dad and extended family. Our stable, loving, non-abusive home was not what they wanted. They wanted their family- and even after YEARS-that family wasn't us.
In hindsight I see that all three of these child had varied degrees of attachment issues on top of everything else going on. And when we gave up their brother in order to spare them some peace and safety- they lost faith in us and our commitment to them.
They walked a fine line of wondering when their behavior was going to make us send them away too. What could we have done differently?
TONS of things.

So the closest experience I have had to disruption was the loss of Young Man in our lives. Because it was done by OUR choosing. Any of the other children that we have lost has been because "they went home". Not because we "sent them away".

I used to read about adoption disruption or dissolution and shake my head. I didn't understand how someone could just turn their backs on their children. I would think that certainly if the child had been biological they wouldn't be disrupting- and that it was just because they were adopted that the families felt it OK to send them away.

When I think about my life now, my children, and the feelings that I have for my children... I still think I wouldn't be able to ever disrupt one of them. (Bio or adopted!) I never could imagine being a birth Mom and giving my baby up for adoption either though. I could never be that unselfish! When I think about my children and what I would do in order to keep them- what ends of the earth I would go to- I think of Aron Ralston cutting through his arm to save himself. I think about his book and how he talks about sawing with a dull knife through the tendons in his arm. I think about doing that for my children if it meant saving them (from hurt, from being taken from me, from most anything) and I completely am consumed by knowing that I could do it. With one eye closed.

Sometimes with my children we have really bad days. Some of my children- well one in particular not only has RAD but has a slew of other "letters" and diagnoses behind her name. I think about her in her worst possible moment. I think about the days that she ruins each moment for everyone and I still would do anything for her. I would perish without her. I would call upon each friend and family member to step in and help with love and kindness before I would give her away to a home, hospital or a stranger. We have been in the darkest of our days recently. We know that she needs medication desperately and we are waiting until November for her appointment for meds. We know her issues are far bigger than we ever thought that they were. We adore her and we hate that she had been given these genes and these unstable wreck less days of her life that cause her continued stress and the ruined her mind. We feel frustrated beyond belief a lot of the time with her behavior. We have respite care with family members regularly to give everyone a break in this interim healing time. We protect everyone here- but we protect her too. She would love nothing more than me to "give up" on her externally- but in her heart- I know if I forge ahead and stay strong- she will someday feel the pureness of my love for her. Our faith won't allow us to quit her. Our hope from loving her grants us permission to continue.

So where does that leave my opinion of adoption disruption?

Sad. Very sad.

A friend sent me this article... which made to do some research about this woman. She has caused quite a stir in the adoption community lately. I also feel sadness when I know two children (in person) whose adoptions are being disrupted. HIM and HER. It was especially hard with HER because some of my children are friends with her. And didn't know that adoption disruption was something that even existed.

I wish that disruption didn't exist. I wish that even biological children could never be "given away"- especially in cases like this one- which is particularly disturbing.

But why when its an adoptive parent are people more upset? More fired up?

Maybe because they should be prepared to know that anything is possible when adopting a child? Maybe because they should think about these things happening before hand and coming up with a plan ahead of time?

Is that even realistic?

So since we can't stop any parents from saying "enough is enough" and having to be put into positions where they have to make this kind of decision. I will offer some advice for what people can do to before they adopt to ensure that they are prepared.

1. Get training. Go to classes and read books. Talk to professionals. Know what you are up against. Know that no matter how much parenting experience you have- you are NOT prepared without doing your research and educating yourself. Read THIS BOOK. Practice your patience before the child comes home.

2. Know that just because you are adopting a child "from another country" or "when they are a baby" or "they are under five" or "from a great reputable orphanage" or "with extensive medical reports" or "without apparent family history of mental illness" or... ???? Nothing is a promise that your not going to have huge hurdles, struggles or terrible things happen.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

3. Assume that bad things will happen and put safeguards into place between siblings (all of them) ahead of time. Talk about boundaries and private parts. Use appropriate terminology when talking about private parts. Say the word Vagina and Penis. Equip your children (all of them) with the tools to say what is going on and have the correct words for it.

4. I am incredibly blessed to have a very supportive extended family and friends. I have many people to call upon for help locally and long term should we need to have a few weeks break from one child etc. Or in a crisis situation there are people available take our children. Set this up ahead of time and darn it- don't pretend that you don't need any help EVER. This will hurt you all in the long run.

5. Be honest. Schedule breaks. Have balance. Figure out how to give the children who aren't the neediest ones ample attention as well. Don't always allow the squeaky wheel to get all the grease.
6. Protect your marriage and relationships. Savor time together. Be selfish and consistent in taking this time. Even when the new children are still new. Have date night at home- put the kids to bed early. Do whatever it takes to not lose the spice. Keeping it spicy and intimate and lovely will mean everything when you are in a tough time.

7. Use the professionals. Don't be afraid to tap into resources. That is why they call them resources. Because they are resourceful for all of us. Call out to the professionals for help. Therapy doesn't always heal the child or make the situation better immediately. But if feels damn good to have someone to talk to. Extra support persons mean the world.

8. Baby Monitors. Keep old ones. Let the kids know you are setting them up in bedrooms or play areas when things are rough. This helps everyone know that big brother is always watching. (Not to seem paranoid- but I know some families in really hard places right now who could have used this option at one point.) Bedroom alarms and other items can be purchased if need be. I know that you never thought your home was going to be Alcatraz... :)

9. Remember that your child is a victim. While the behavior is unreal, irrational, unacceptable, unavoidable, maddening, frustrating, gut wrenching... (I can go on)... they aren't doing this because they "WANT TO BE BAD". No one "wants" to be "bad". They are victims and trauma, of a bad life, or a messed up system.

10. If you have to disrupt, re home, replace, dissolution etc.

Talk about it. A LOT. To all your children ALL TOGETHER. Keep the conversation going. Keep the relationships between siblings open to whatever degree possible. No matter what occur ed between those siblings- they will want one another someday for some reason. They need to heal and there are parts of them that must heal together.

11. Examine your own weaknesses and admit it when your at fault. Its hard not to be "on guard" all the time. Its hard to not just give up. But if you can be honest with your actions, your child will be able to be more honest with theirs. We all make mistakes. Even when we think we are the best prepared parents ever. Try to determine ahead of time if you have the mental capacity to be an adoptive parent.

12. Adoption is beautiful. Being a parent is difficult. Figuring out who you are in the midst of all of "these" and "this" is tough. Balance. Breathe. Take time outs. I don't want people to think I believe all adopted children have these kids of challenges- I don't- particularly the big ones most of the families disrupting have faced. I do believe that MOST all children are challenging at some point. (At least mine are!)

In closing I believe that if you feel like you aren't bonding with your child or if you don't really want to be with your child like this woman... it would be best NOT to be an adoptive parent. I don't know that in some situations people are meant to adopt. Some people just aren't able to love the same. I don't know why this is. I just believe that its true. In that woman's case- I believe she might not have been able to love any adopted child the same as her biological children. It would have been nice for her to figure this out ahead of time. However how was she to know?

Finally... if you haven't read THIS POST - please do. There are only difficult answers that come with a huge price tag in an adoption disruption.

Homecoming Dance

Last weekend two of my boys

went to the home coming dance.

Danny (although NOT in high school anymore)

is still dating high school sweetheart-

ALI

who is now a senior...

and she is also Lauren's best friend.

(Controversy- yes yes!)

David took Dakota and her friend Alex.

David and Dakota were on the same

soccer team last year.

When school started he said...

"Mom you should see her now!"

(Both still play soccer- but

have changed a lot since

starting high school.)

Dakota's Mom and I both teared

up at seeing our children so

grown up and dressed for the big dance.

(sigh)

It was a lovely night had by all. :)

Bear and Apples

Bear loves apples.

Honey Crisp apples are our family favorite.

Sorry for the lack of posts.

We think we have h1n1 at our house.

Sophie and Angeline has been sick so far.

We have more children with coughing-but

not having a fever yet.

Sophie got better after a few days

last week... and Angeline got the Tamiflu

and seems better now- but is still coughing.

We are disinfecting and trying to wash toys etc.

to keep everyone else healthy.

We don't have a confirmed case-

because our doctor didn't want to put Angeline

through the test. But he said its so widespread

at this point-that its more than likely that we

already have it.

More soon.

I just couldn't resist posting these pics.

Happy Friday!

Spa Girls Part 1

The girls arrived in their jammies.

We had lunch "spa" style and the girls

were free to eat whatever they wanted,

whenever they wanted

and to eat wherever they wanted.

(This was a big treat for Lulu

who ate three bags of chips!)

Princess Diaries was playing in each room

and they could go from room to room and

have whatever spa treatments that they

wanted- or they could just hang and play...

some girls did all the spa treatments-

while others were more shy and just wanted

to take turns trying on the makeup or

painting each others nails.

Then it was time to change into our outfits...

We went outside in the wind and took some

pictures- here are some of my favorites.

This is my niece Zoe on the left.
What a Sassy Girl. :)



Kika Kim's Girls with Lulu.

And last but not least...

Angeline was WAY OVER Lulu

and her birthday...

this was at the end of the party and all

Angeline wanted to talk about was

FEB-BRU-WARY

(when her birthday is)

Please scroll down for more posts.

It was a lovely day had by all!