The Big Weekend Update

Elijah came over to play the other day.

Elijah is my friend Kim's son.

He is from the same orphanage Angeline was at-

and the same place Isaac is at.

Elijah and Angeline are in love.

They sat next to each other in car seats in the van.

I kept seeing them kiss in the rear view mirror.

Elijah even did the "yawn and reach" thing to put

his arm around Angeline. Angeline was giggling

and being so silly. It was adorable.

I told Angeline that she has to be grown up before she

can have a boyfriend and before she can be a girlfriend.

She then told me:

"I am growed up and I am a girlfriend Mom!"

She thinks Elijah is the bees knees.

No news on Isaac or his file.

But we got some new pictures this week.

I don't have much else to say other than:

Our I-600's has now officially been approved

for TWO years. (May 2007 it was approved.)

Baby Bear is gigantic.

He now is 6 months old and weighs 18 pounds.

He has been having terrible asthma and allergies.

He is now on round the clock nebulizer treatments

every four hours. It seems to be making a dent in

the breathing troubles- but I wish that it was

completely ending the breathing issues.

Bear and Angeline have three days worth

of appointments this week.

(Urology, Neuro developmental, Ortho, Dermatology

Nutrition, Social work, Neuro Surg.)

Angeline has an MRI to check on her syrinx.

And Bear has his urodynamic study.

We are going to have our fill of doctors and

hospitals this week.

There will be lots of medical updates soon.

Bears parents were a no show.

But "word" is that they will come on Monday.

Please keep praying.

Sophie and Lulu had their play last night.

They have been practicing for months.

They did SO well.

We are so proud of them.

We arrived at the play two hours ahead of time

so that I could help do the girls makeup.

There were 14 girls in the play.

Lulu ran around the auditorium about

75 times like a banshee.

Then I told her I was going to

"really embarass her"

if she didn't stop.

And that we were leaving.

(low point)

But it worked she stopped.

(praise)

There were about five smaller children

running and getting hurt over and over.

At moments I felt like the other adults

in the room were in a coma because

I seemed to be the only one getting

hot and sweaty over the mayhem.

One wild child is like a wildfire.

It catches and its hard to put out.

(control your small children people)

At any rate- there was no other
unnecessary drama other than that.
Lulu only peeked out from under the
curtain a couple times. :)

It was such a lovely play.
Everyone worked so hard.
And the girls were so confident and
remembered all their lines.
Awesome.

Have a great weekend.
We are off tomorrow for a special adventure
for a couple days before the mad multiple
appointments for multiple days starts.
I will update soon.
We are so excited to be outta here!

Remember?

Do you remember this little beauty?

(It's Helande!) or "Bug" :)

This is a recent picture of her from RHFH.

She is doing great.

Praise the Lord!

One proud Momma

I am so proud of Lauren!

(not only is she the best sister and daughter ever but...)
We found out yesterday that Lauren was accepted into
the "high school"- college program for next year.
So she will be able to finish high school and earn
college credits at the same time.
We knew you could do it!!

Please pray

(Bears Dad and Mom with Bear pre-USA)

Please pray for them!

Please pray for Bears parents.

They are MIA.

We need them to come to RHFH asap.

We are hoping that they come this Thursday.

People are looking for them.

Important things to need happen.

We need your prayers.

We really appreciate you taking the time to pray.

Please also pray for the folks at RHFH.

They are so busy doing HIS work.

And this (looking for Bears parents) does take

up their precious time. Thank you.

Updates coming soon :)

Growing up too fast

This week I made the "older" girls really clean their rooms.

(They have way too much stuff- err... junk!)

Grace handed down both her American Girl doll

and her build a bear things to her little sisters.

I can remember this "right of passage" when I was about

her age. When you go through all those things boxed up

and decide its time to let them go.

I was hoping that time would last forever

and this moment wouldn't come so soon.

It was just yesterday that she was a pixie haired

toddler who didn't want to give up her "binky".

I swear!

Thanks for all the emails and love for Sophie. Just like Grace- she is growing up a ton. I think that we expected this time in her life to be a challenge for her. She is working through her feelings and we are getting her the help she needs to be able to do so. As a parent its really a hard situation to be in. I feel myself so frustrated with her and some of her behavior yet at the same time I want to hold her and shelter her and tell her how sorry I am. So sorry that I am not able to take away all the hurt and pain she has held inside all these years. Sorry that love isn't enough. Sorry that she just can't have the normal pre-teen drama and has to have it with all this other crap on top of it.

About the week...

We have been busy! Swimming, going to theatre to see the Chinese Acrobat show, hanging out with friends and also getting ready to start painting this weekend. (I think I know what color we are using-) And more spring cleaning of course.

I have a slew of prayer requests as there just seems to be a lot going on right now:

1. For our four oldest children that they make confident decisions soon about what they want to do next. (*Jeremy, Leishan, Danny and Tyler)

2. For Tyler and his girlfriend who broke up this week and are having a hard time

3. For Monique (Jeremy's friend)- she is back at home and under a lot of pressure

4. For continued healing and grace for Leishan (she is doing great PRAISE!!)

5. For Sophie's heart and for everyone around her dealing with her Sophie-isms. :)

6. For Isaacs file to get out of MOI

7. For Baby Bears parents

8. Good health for Bear and Angeline (both have had a cold and have literally 20 appointments between the two of them coming up at the hospital that are spread over three days)

9. For my husbands work- there are SO many companies that are slow right now so bidding on jobs has increased. When they used to have 3-5 companies bid- now they are seeing 20 on average. Its gotten really competitive to win bids. Companies are bidding on jobs and taking a loss just to have work for their employees. We are praying he doesn't get laid off.

10. for you.... how can we pray for you and your family??? leave me a comment and let us know!

Should have...

Here is a sampling

a sample of Sophie

just some random shots

all within the same few moments

and as her life would be
manipulative with emotion
the pictures portrays my day
my day too often
my day today

if life were musical theatre

she would play the lead

for which she would win

an academy award

but far too often her feelings fall

far out of her reach

out of her understanding

and spew upon us all

she is the best of friends

the worst of enemies

the nicest girl

the meanest girl

the most loving child

who hates you often

and cares for you

with disregard

she doesn't know

how to explain

why soft

feels bad

and why she feels

how she feels

most of the time

Thanks foster care

Thanks bio family

Thanks broken system

Thanks foster family

Thanks society

Thanks genetics

for breaking my Sophie

who thinks she should have been named Sybil

and who wants someone to blame

just as much as I do

Fun! Fun!

I couldn't resist and had to join in and edit this little beauty.

(Original Above)

If you haven't been-

check out:

I HEART FACES

Several examples to show the progression of the edit.

Uh-oh.

Have a found yet another distraction

to avoid Saturday morning chores?

(Yes!)

Bubba Boys Club Feet

Baby Bear is almost 6 months old.

We are definitely at the point where taking him in public is difficult.

Difficult because of the ladies who can't help themselves

but to stop us and smile, coo and tickle Mr. Bear.

Because he is so short, fat, and just plain irresistible.

He has the biggest eyes and the curliest lashes.

He offers up smiles, raspberries and giggles often.

He has been going through the serial casting to help

make his feet straight. Of course his skin does not like

the casts- or the casting material. We are battling with

finding a balance between getting his feet straight and not

letting his skin break down too much.

Finally tomorrow- we will see the pediatric dermatologist to figure

outwhere to go from here. Here are some pictures of his legs

after we took off the last pair of casts.

The biggest problem is that Bear will need surgery for his feet-

after the surgery- he needs to wear casts for several weeks.

They have used the most hypoallergenic materials for his casts.

We watch them closely and don't leave them on too many days...

and still his legs break down and his skin becomes rough and itchy.

Thankfully his scalp is looking a lot better.
He just has a couple small patches of problem skin on his head.
His arms, belly and back all have splotchy eczema.
Each day- several times a day- we need to re-lotion him
to keep his skin from getting worse.
It feels like a battle we won't win-
at least-not for now.

But perhaps tomorrow the dermatologist will have

some answers for us.
We are hopeful.

Please pray for Bear's parents.
Long story for another time.
I just know I can count on you all to pray...
(for the skin and tootsies too)

The end

Where do you sit at the end of a long day?

click on the pic to read the captions

This picture is not from today- I swear. It's actually not even 5pm here- so if this was from today- we would be having problems. This morning my children had MAP testing (standardized testing required by our state once a school year) and I had an IEP meeting for Dominick. I learned so many things this morning and achieved a great deal of clarification on certain issues. I guess that when you least expect it someone says something to you and it becomes an ah-ha moment. So I wanted to be sure to take a moment to write about all the days events.

Dominick qualifies for Special Education. He has gone through several months of tests and evaluations to get to this point. I have been praying and hoping that we would someday get all these evaluations done and have more input about his learning style and needs. This is going to truly be a blessing for Dominick because he is going to finally be in the best situation possible for his education. It also appears very likely that Dominick has ADHD. We aren't making any fast decisions about medication or not etc. We just know that we need to accommodate Dominick and his need for more physical movement, extra repetition and frequent breaks.

I spent time talking with the school psychologist who helped to evaluate Dominick about my choice for sending my children back to school next year. He told me that I have to just take things one year or even one month at a time. That I need to be a good consumer for my children and that its OK to "shop". To check out different programs and schools and see what exactly is going to work best for the children and their needs and our family needs at the given time. He also explained education as "gray" and not so black and white. We talked about seeing things from a bigger picture and also putting equal emphasis for children like Dominick (and much like most children with less than perfect "histories")- an emphasis on both education and emotional needs.

I know that much of our country has become slightly enthralled with the wussification of America- but I do agree that sometimes children with "issues" are going to need to be handled with velvet gloves. The "gray" in education is finding that balance. I no longer feel like I need to have all of the answers TODAY, nor do I need to feel guilt or like I am wishy washy for making decisions as they are needed to be made. I no longer feel like a "quitter" for ending my home school life with my family- but I am feeling rather empowered. I am looking at the half glass full and hopeful that my children will gain rather than lose in this endeavor of public school. I believe that they will gain in experience, they will gain a new part of identity outside of our home, and I will not have to "give up" educating them all together. Gray gray gray- that's my new mantra.

The psychologist used the baby bird/Mama bird analogy when explaining to me how I might be feeling. That yes, the nest is seemingly crowded now that they (the baby birds) are older, wiser, and more capable. They are spending a lot of time cramped in here with me and they tend to PECK PECK PECK at me far too often. Somewhere in this venture I lost balance in my life and I need to push the little ones out of the nest and enjoy watching them fly. I don't regret our choice to home school- but right now- it just isn't the right time to continue.

It's now time to make room for the younger baby birds and be certain that they have ample TLC from me (Bean, Bear and Isaac of course!) So what exactly am I afraid of?

Well losing the connection is the only thing that I can think of. I know I have raised super capable children who are able to defend, advocate and form their own opinions. I know that they are grounded in their beliefs and morals.

I just don't want to fall into the hum drum parent-child relationship that I found myself in as a preteen.

"How was school?"

"FINE"

I think this was four years of my life with my parents- from age 13-17. Then my parents allowed me to go (or SENT me away) to Australia for a year as an exchange student. They really had to push me far out of the nest in order for me to fly. But it did work wonders.

My step father and mother had an entire conversation months after I got home that I had changed because I hadn't "asked for anything". Prior to Australia- I had to have this or that- material things- lots of desires and I always wanted to go this place or that- and to travel. In Australia the people I lived with became my family, but they still weren't my Mom and Dad. I lost my gradiose feelings of teenage entitlement and learned how to be frugal, work for money to pay for things I need, and to be grateful for the little things in life.

So where am I going with all this?

I think that I once again realized as with all things in life, balance is the key. The gray is the balance. What is right for one person or family isn't the best thing for another. Blanket statements about people, their choices, or population rarely are exclusively factual. There is always another opinion and your personal feelings can change given circumstance. My children don't like waking up very early and it makes them grouchy- especially when they are waking up for a TEST that takes a couple hours. And I learned that a glass of wine at the end of the day can seriously decrease the amount of whine you have. BALANCE ladies. I love it.

Isaac's May Update

The Lion Kids have been keeping busy, they’ve been enjoying going for long walks when the weather has been good and on rainy days like to play inside; colouring and singing together. They got a new movie recently of a Christian kid’s concert and love to dance whenever it’s on, as soon as the music starts all the kids start jumping up and down and waving their hands in the air. Almost all the kids can sing songs in English from watching and listening to movies but whenever they don’t know the words they do a great job improvising and always sing their version to the right tune! The Lion Kids are also very creative and like to use sidewalk chalk as body paint and run around telling everyone that they are playing mardi gras. Some of the boys are in need of a haircut at the moment so the girls have been taking advantage of them and putting little braids in their hair! Someone kindly donated crocs for all the kids who can walk, the Lion Kids were all very excited to have their own pair of shoes that they can wear all the time, now that the weather is colder they are wearing warm sleepers to bed and lots of them like to sleep with their crocs on over their sleepers! Everyone is asking when their mom and dad are coming and they love to talk about going home, having parties when their parents come and getting to sleep in the volunteer house and invite their friends over here to play.

The name ‘Isaac’ means “he will laugh” and your little boy certainly lives up to that, I think laughing is his favourite thing to do. Isaac is always laughing and he does his best to make everyone else laugh too. He’s come up with a new joke that he finds hilarious; he’ll hold up his snack to me or his food or toy that he has in his hand and let me know that he’s not sharing any with me and as soon as I look sad he starts to laugh, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Then he’ll ask me if I want some again so he can fool me with his charm and when he refuses any again he throws his head back and laughs heartily. He has such a good sense of humour and can make every activity fun even while washing his hands Isaac will make a little game out of it so that he can laugh. When he was watching a movie last night he decided one of the characters in it was my child (the lady is at least twice my age so I guess that doesn’t say much about Isaac’s impression of me) and she was wearing a very funky looking that Isaac kept saying looked like my clothes and then he started laughing at me!!
Isaac’s other favourite thing to do is sing; he constantly sings as he plays and as soon as anyone asks him for a song he happily obliges. In the evening times the nannies sing with the kids in the hallway before movie time. If the nannies don’t start as soon as Isaac wants them to he’ll tell me to get them to sing! Isaac loves to sing in Creole but also knows a few English songs and if he doesn’t always know all the words he’s really good at improvising. He also shares his singing talent at school too and will sing solo for all his friends.

At school Isaac is really good at matching colours; he enjoys finding matching pairs and loves to be praised by his teachers when he gets them right. Isaac is also a good motivator and quick to praise others, when the teachers say “bravo” for someone else Isaac joins in with the clapping and cheers on his friends. During movie time he’s always one of the first to get up and dance and likes to hold his friends hands to encourage them to dance with him.Isaac is so glad that he’s in the Lion Room now, he loves being a big boy, playing with the other big kids and being outside most of the time. He was so happy that he got to move with Simon, Isaac usually acts a little unsure of himself in new situations but having his friend along really helped the transition for him. Isaac has quickly adapted to his new room and all his new friends love him, he’s taken on the role of chief meal time prayer, and is the first to say grace and have his friends respond. The other day Isaac got so excited about the prayer he was saying that the nannies had to cut him short as the other kids were getting too anxious to eat. This month Isaac weighs 27 pounds.

Girls who are friends

This is Monique.

Monique is Jeremy's friend.

She is here visiting for a couple weeks.

She is from Michigan.

Monique is Jeremy's friend.

His friend who is a girl.

They met in NOLA.

(New Orleans, Louisiana)

She has managed to get him to shave.

And even change into clean, non-ripped clothes.

We call this positive progress.

We think he looks handsome.

Well- err- more handsome than before.

(Can I get a haircut? whoot whoot!)

The first time Monique walked in our house-

she made a B-line for Angeline and picked her up.

Angeline instantly loved on her.

Bean is a good judge of character.

We would like to keep her.

(Monique that is.)

But she has to go back to Michigan next week.

Because she's in college.

And doesn't want to lose her grants and scholarships.

(We love that.)

She's a definite keeper.

Happy Mothers Day!

Because I feel that in the heavens above the angels, whispering one to another, Can find among their burning terms of love, None so devotional as that of "Mother"...~ Edgar Allen Poe

I hope that you are all having a beautiful Mothers Day.

Today we are doing some planting and just enjoying one another.

TODAY-

At the grocery store I gave my children the shopping list.

(That they made- I only had to "check" it.)

They did ALL the shopping.

Dear husband did all the checking out.

And I was free to just SHOP low pressure style.

Love it.

They have cleaned and cooked.

Done laundry, yard work and loved on ME.

My children made beautiful cards for me.

Angeline made me a card at school- then took it back.

She loved it that much.

Grace made me a lovely pot in her art class.

I am feeling so very special.

And in the mail came a surprise package...

Artwork pictures from Isaac- just in time-

for Mothers Day.

What a smile that gave me.

Thank you.

Today is also a day when we celebrate the "other" Mothers.

The six Mothers who might be feeling great loss and pain today.

Six woman who I see glimmers of daily.

In each of their children- that I am blessed to parent.

Six woman who I love.

Six woman I could hug.

Six woman who should be proud.

Of "our" remarkable children.

Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day.

Summer 2009 BIG TRIP

I have talked about these two things before:

1. Taking my children on a great trip down the coast

2. Our home school program

This summer we are doing a big fun educational trip down the coast. (Click on the picture above to enlarge the map and see what we have planned SO FAR.) As I have mentioned before our home school program is actually a public school and its funded through the local school district. Each student has X dollar amount that they can spend on educational activities, sports, books, supplies etc. Because we have 7 children involved in the program- we had quite a large amount of money.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because the cost of the materials to home school can be a deterrant for families who want to try home schooling. There are resources and programs available which support families in many communities. I definitely think that we are blessed to have this program. For me- I wouldn't be able to feel confident home schooling without a program. I have a coordinator that works with my family. Because we have several students who have special education concerns- I can't be the expert about everything. And having a resource available to me has been such a blessing over the past three years- financially- and emotionally indeed! (Even though my children are planning to return to traditional schooling this fall.)

So we have a bit of money left over. We are able to use this money throughout the summer- through August- for educational purposes and summer programs. One catch is that we have to write a lesson plan of sorts and plan out how we are spending the remainder of our families funds this summer.

Because of the unlikely event we will be in this position again- (Money at our disposal earmarked for ONLY educational purposes.) We feel its time to take that trip we have been dreaming of.

Now of course lodging, gas, food, etc. is all on us. But we are able to do activities and visit educational places with the funds- which will end up being a bulk of the trip. Given that its summer- and my husbands busiest time of the year with work- I thought of taking the kids alone- but admittedly was feeling overwhelmed at the thought.

Then I recall many a conversation with my dear friend Kika Kim and thought that perhaps it might be something she would want to do. (We had talked about the husbands being a part of the plan in the past but realistically- we can hardly afford the trip- and having our husbands miss an undetermined amount of work- bad idea.) Yep that's right- 2 moms, 15 kids and the open road with just a rough plan. (Still being laid in place but it will allow for flexibility.)

So if you have any suggestions of things we must see or do, places to visit, or if you live anywhere near our route and want to "get together" for an day, meal, outing or anything- we are open to it!

We are planning to tent camp MOST of the trip.

Also if you have any suggestions for budget travel with kids- we welcome them!

We are so excited.

The Tantrum

There are some days that I feel like having a tantrum- today is one of them. The feeling of this tantrum started yesterday. It always starts with this choked up- holding back the tears- I refuse to cry one more time kind of feeling.

With so many horrible things going on in the world I catch this cycle of images flashing through my mind and then it keeps the sadness away. Away because perhaps I am foolish for these feelings. Foolish for not spending energy on bigger things, badder things, people who need me more. (But to me- you are the biggest- you are the hardest- you are to me- a son who is lost- and we are to you- a family who is thirsty for your presence.)
I think about the sacrifice others are making for my son and how grateful I need to be. But there it is- the tantrum- hidden beneath the tough exterior- and sometimes I want to rage and let it all go.

My husband and I were out running errands alone. We stopped at a great thrift store. I started the browsing for items for the older children and then worked my way over to look at things for Bear- then Angeline- then was staring at the toddler boys 3T and 4T and the tantrum crept up inside of me. I pushed it away fast. I wanted to reach out and touch those boy things and I wanted to choose several of them. But knowing what I know- and what my husband knows- I have a closet full of boys things- with the tags- in an array of sizes starting with 12 months to 4/5. And still I wanted more. I wanted another. A cute sweater for my boy who will be so cold here. I wanted something to hold on to. Because his memory is fading fast.

The feel of his hair under my hand and the feel of his arms around my neck and the sound of his laugh and his lips kissing my cheek. All fading after 19 months of not seeing him- not touching him- not hearing him- not seeing him.

My husband doesn't say a word- but I silently wonder if he thinks I am foolish or wasteful for buying one more thing. I know that even if he does- he will let me purchase to my hearts content. He will allow me the freedom to deal and cope however I need to. We both remain silent for the next 15 minutes slowly walking and slowly fumbling through more items to have our hands busy while we bury our thoughts.

The silence is painful.

"ISAAC!!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

A teenage girl yells 2 feet in front of me.

We stop. My husband and I.

We stare.

My eyes well full of the tears I have pushed pushed smashed downward.

A young man of about 19 in bright aqua blue pants with his face pierced and his hair hanging in his eyes replies to her. Her Isaac. Not mine. You have got to be kidding me. What a moment.

Summer plans are being made and all the while I wonder if he will be here- our son- live and in the flesh. Or if only the fading memory will be a part of our summer plans. I wonder if I will truly be able to hold out without just going TO HIM there. I want to sit and wait them out. I want them to sit and wait them out for me. For us. For HIM. To get some answers. To get the file to move. To get the file to finish. To bring Isaac home.

Five months in MOI.

No answers.

No information.

How much longer do I wait?

How many times can I ask?

To advocate is to be rude?

I want so badly to not have a tantrum. To keep respecting those so deserving. But I must advocate for my son. What kind of mother am I if I can fight for my children here with me- and children who aren't even mine who are here with me- and children who aren't mine and aren't here with me- and I just stop fighting for you my beautiful boy?

Even if it doesn't look so nice. And even makes me appear bitchy. You are worth every tantrum and every tear- my beautiful boy. You are worth every time someone thinks- why can't she just be a little more patient?

Does someone have the time to hold you?

When you feel your tummy ache.

Or when you can't sleep.

Or when the rain bothers you.

Are you hot or cold.

A tissue for your nose.

Soft blankies to snuggle in.

Can you feel me there?
Do you know a Mommas touch?

Are you going to accept us?

Are you going to want us?

Or are you not going to know.

Not going to know how good it can feel.

The comfort.

The peace.

The wholeness.

what FAMILY is

That people love so hard

they would die for you.

Do you know that there's an empty space.

In the van.

The bedroom.

In ALL our hearts for you?

Do you know your friends who are here-

don't even remember you already?

Will you know them?

I want you to know them.

I want you to know us.

I want you to find comfort here. Somehow.

Even after all this time.

Mommy doesn't want to have a fit.

Mommy just knows HE wants you home.

And she doesn't know how to do this.

This pull that God has placed on her heart.

She can't deny it any longer.

You are our priority.

You are HIS priority.

Everyone loves you so much.

Beautiful, beautiful boy.