Coping

I need to let everyone know thank you so much for your comments, emails, phone calls and prayers. I am feeling the love and its keeping me from slipping into a dark depression. I had told Kim that with the news of Isaac if something were to happen to one of the girls that would just be too much to bear, and I might slip into a place where I don't want to go mentally and spiritually. Your kind words and prayers have kept me from going to that place.

We have had to let many children go, my husband and I. Most of them being foster children who went home to their biological families. It wasn't always a happy or easy reunion and I have been accused on more than one occasion from biological parents and social workers of "loving" a little too much. If my greatest sin has been loving the children in my care too much, then I accept that. I just don't want to become one of those people that becomes mechanical about life, putting up walls, because the letting go is too hard to do.

When Kim and I were in Haiti and taking the girls back to their parents I felt peace. I didn't think that it would be so easy and I remember sitting on the plane waiting until the last minute to be the ones to leave the plane. Because I knew once we left the plane the choice was over, we were stuck there giving the girls back. Each step of the way through the airport in PAP seemed surreal and I feel so ill to my stomach. When we had to hand over the passports we stared at one another thinking silently... OK this is it... we are here, we have to do this. Once I saw Lori I felt a little more at peace... but I still had this great anxiety about meeting the Moms and wondering if the babies would cry when they held them. I didn't want to think of Christella more bonded to me than her mother. But the fact was that she was more bonded to me. I was the one who had spent the past months with her and at that point, to her, her mother was a memory. I didn't want to see that, think it, or feel it at all. It was going to be too difficult to feel as if I was walking away and breaking this babies heart who thought I was her world.

Once I saw Christella's Mom I saw her child in her eyes. She grabbed me and hugged me and thanked me, we both teared up and even though I couldn't understand the words she was saying to me... the peace came over me. She loved her child and I could SEE that. I could feel her love and felt her loving touch through and through. I coped with Christella crying and whimpering for me to hold her, staring at me in her Momma's arms, looking with her eyes like "Why are you holding me?" I didn't cry, or feel badly, I just knew that she was where she belonged, with her mother.

Kim and I were really strong, we did so much better than I thought we would. I thought we would be blubbering fools the entire time through lunch. It felt like closure for both of us I think. It wasn't until we were in the truck, Kim and I with the babies in the back seat, Lori and the driver in the front, on our way to the domestic airport leaving for Cap Haitian, that we broke down and cried. It wasn't because we were leaving the babies, we were sad about that, but we let the tears run when Lori started crying. Lori said that there are some days that are so hopeless and there is so much death and despair. And what we did was to give her some hope. It is rare in her work that she had a day of happiness, reuniting the girls with their families was joy for her. It made us all happy to see them all so happy together. A true cause for celebration.

So in Christella's passing I have been thinking a lot about Lori and her hope. I pray for Lori and Licia and pray that they remember the joy and feeling of seeing Ella's pictures of her back without the mass, the RHFH staff cheering the babies were alive and well... the blessing of her reuniting with her family, and the joy that she brought to so many people. I need to remain in my half glass full mind set and forge ahead. I had someone tell me that I will never get over Christella's death, I won't "accept" it, or just move on from it... it will now become part of who we are all.

This post is going to be long, so please bear with me.

There was another child whom I was close to that passed away several years ago. M. was a little girl adopted from Columbia with a cleft palate as a baby. She had several surgeries and became this graceful, compassionate child like no other. I was her babysitter from the time she was a baby just home from Columbia until she became a pre-teen. We had moved away and when she was a teenager, her Mom brought her to visit. She knew that we were foster parents and had lots of foster babies and she loved babies and social work, and was interested in spending sometime at our house helping out. When she came to visit was over a summer that she had a large external fixator on her head that was moving her jaw out from its inward position. She was so resilient, she just dealt with it. We even went to the local town carnival where she had lots of stares, and she just forged ahead. It was only a couple months later when school was back in session and M. was a cross country runner. She was running one day and collapsed. M. had a heart problem that was never diagnosed in all her years of medical treatment, no one ever noticed. M. died that day.

The reason that I bring up M. is because Christella reminds me so much of her. When M. was a baby she would pat the back of the person holding her. Even before you patted her back, she was there patting yours, comforting you with her love. Christella would do the same thing, so tiny and fragile, yet willing to give you all the love she had. I like to think that M. is with Christella in heaven now, caring for her and loving her. Both girls without pain, living eternity in perfection, sharing their love with one another...

I have been so blessed to have so much love in my life.

Several people have emailed and asked what they can do to help.

Pray of course. Pray for Haiti. Pray for everyone involved and Christella's family. They were able to get her body yesterday. Typically bodies are taken to the morgue and then left there... it costs money I believe to get the body, money for a casket, money for a place to bury the person... so in Haiti most people don't have the option of having that type of closure. It gave me a lot of peace to know that they were able to buy a casket for Christella and a small plot to bury her in. Lori reports that her parents are doing ok and she is there for them if they need her and has spent a lot of time talking to her Mom.

Another thing you can do is consider donating some money to help cover Christella's expenses to Real Hope for Haiti. (See the link to Lori's blog on the right side of the page.) On Lori's blog is a link to donate money. I hate asking for money, and I really know that Lori hates asking for money. (And will probably kill me for bringing this up!) But I know that she has used her payroll money to help cover Christella's expenses. (The doctors, hospital, morgue, blood, supplies for surgery, casket, plot of land etc.) Christella's family spent the money that they had as well. I am going to paypal some money to Lori through her link on her blog so that this is one less thing that she has to worry about. Christmas is a slow time for donations for them, and I hate to think of her family, or any of the employees families going without this time of year because they spent the money that they had. (So Lori, please don't be upset with me, people have asked how they can help.)

One more way to help: If you have been touched by Christella's life and want to write something up about her. (Whether you had time with her in person or not.) I wrote a letter to her parents and would love to put together some more momento's and thoughts so they have that to keep about the impact of Christella's life... or any pictures you might have (Ange? Ericka? Kim? Dr. A? Cindy?)... I know that they would be treasured by her family forever.

Thank you all again.

Love,
Sarah

Happy Birthday Christella

A little video of Christella enjoying her birthday cake. We were so blessed to have you in our lives Ella!

58 days

58 days
The number of days that Christella's Family spent with her when she wasn't dying

4,588
The number of times I thought of how I could NOT take her back to her family and Haiti

1
the God that put it on my heart I had to take her back

17
the number of times I cried secretly in the bathroom because I had to let her go

4
the number of places where her family tried to get her medical care and were turned away

3
the number of sisters that Christella left behind

1
The number of times doing all we could do for you, just wasn't enough.

0
The amount of suffering that Christella now feels.

countless and endless
~the amount of pain the people who loved this child feel
~the amount of anger I have because somethings make no sense
~the amount of love this child gave me
~the memories that I will have of her
~the concern that I have for children with disabilites in Haiti
~the number of times I will ask WHY
~the love that I have for all the people that never gave up on her
~the amount of blessing I feel that MY child with Spina Bifida lived
~the amount of sorrow that I have that theirs did not
~the tears that are being shed
~the love that my family and I have for Christella and her family

The email from Lori:


Oh my. I'm so sorry. They went to the Red Cross to get blood so they could operate. When they got back, they found that she died. She had a tube in her nose, mouth, and another IV. They were waiting on the blood to do the surgery. This is common. They won't start any surgery without blood, no exceptions. There is no blood inside the hospitals.
They put her in the morgue and it's closed tonight so they can't get her out until tomorrow. I told the parents to go find the doctor and request a report and cause of death. The doctor said that she suffered too much and died of pain. She asked the results of the sonogram, but he wouldn't give them to her. He said that the intestines was twisted (is that called volvulus???) and that the stool couldn't pass. I told them to go home, calm down, regroup, prepare for where/how to bury her. They were on the side of the road using a phone. They couldn't hear me well and they were upset. I didn't want them to make any quick decisions and just tried to reassure them that they did everything possible. I just thought it best for them to get home since there was nothing else to do tonight. They are exhausted, depressed, and discouraged. I was trying to talk to the parents and get things worked out and be there for them. I'm sorry that I couldn't have done more. I sorry that this country has a crappy health care system. I'm sorry that she died. I'm sorry that she suffered so much in her short life with the SB and shunt, just to have a twisted bowel kill her. I have no regrets on what we did though. I think her parents, the doctors, me, and my employee did all that we could. It was bad timing with care hard to find on Sat night/Sunday. Even if she would have had the surgery, I'm not sure that she would have made it. We'll just never know. I don't want it to seem that I'm throwing up my hands and blaming it on others. I really feel that most people involved did everything in their power. I don't understand this whole thing - never will. There just comes a point in everyone's lives down here that you just have to say "si Bondye vle" - "if God wants". People only have the power to do so much. I wanted her to live. I wanted her to be healthy and tried my best to make that happen. We try to save as many lives as we can, but we just can't save them all. We can't even choose which ones. Some seems fine, only to die suddenly. Others seem at death's door, only to totally recover in a matter of weeks. I can't explain this or offer any softening of the pain that I know this causes you. No words or thoughts are making this any easier for me either. I know that she would have died already if we wouldn't have done anything. I can only hope that her suffering was somewhat eased by your loving care and that her parents felt your outstretched arms of compassion across the miles. We knew all the risks going into this and I believe that she was a risk worth taking. Her life has softened and stretched my heart and encouraged me to help the kids that others deem hopeless. I know that she will stay in your hearts forever too and I hope that her memory will always be a positive one. Her mother was able to hold and love her with her back healed. I pray that your kindness and actions will help to slowly heal her mother's heart too. I love you all more than words can say and I thank you for being on this journey with me. Please continue to pray for Guerda and John Robert as they deal with her loss.



Please keep Lori, Licia, the RHFH staff and all the other people who loved and cared for Christella here in the US and in Haiti in your prayers.

But especially for John Robert and Guerda whose faith and love were strong enough to let Christella come here and get surgery. I can't even begin to touch what they must be feeling at this time.

With deep sorrow... in prayer.

Sarah and Family

Christella Talking

Here is a short little video of Christella talking up a storm. :)
Be sure to turn the music off on the right so you can hear her.
No new news... I will update when I hear. Thanks everyone for praying.
Love,
Sarah

Christella Update

Update #4

"Sonogram done. She asked the sonogram place/building/office to tell her what was going on. They said that her "intestines are tied up" - that could mean a kink or an obstruction - doesn't translate well - she had to go as she was literally running the result back over to the surgeon as she was talking to me. "

Pray!! I will update as soon as I hear anything. She should be in surgery now (10 AM PST)

Thank you all for praying!!

Sarah

____________________________________

Update #5

They are having a hard time getting an IV in. The nurse wasn't able to do it, so the doctor is going to try. She has been without food etc. since yesterday so she is probably dehydrated so getting the IV in is difficult. Her Mom is now thinking that they might do the IV and NG tube for today and then operate in the morning if there is no change. Lori doesn't think that anything has ruptured YET but isn't completely sure.

There might be a chance that this could resolve without surgery if possibly the NG tube could relieve some of the pressure. PRAYING they don't have to do surgery. I know the chances are slim but seeking a miracle here!!

Pray for Christella

Please pray for Christella.

Her Mom called Lori last night and said that she was acting like she was in a lot of pain. (Grunting, moaning, crying and couldn't sleep or get comfortable.) Ella hadn't had a BM since the day before. They came to the clinic. Lori examined Ella and she might have a bowel obstruction. They then left the clinic and headed to the hospital, where they were not received (wouldn't see them) because it was late at night. So the other hospital is on strike, and last I heard they were on their way to a third hospital. Lori is updating us as she gets updates from Ella's Mom. I will update as soon as I hear anything I just wanted to be sure to get as many people on the prayer chain as possible!

Thank you,
Sarah

____________________________________________________________________

UPDATE #1:

"She couldn't get a car to get anywhere last night. She stayed at her aunt's house and went to St. Damien's in the AM. They put her on oxygen for awhile until a doctor came. They said that they couldn't do anything for a bowel obstruction and sent her on to General. She was going right by the Doctors Without Borders Hospital so I told her to try there. There was no doctor there. She had them call the ped doc and he said that she had to get to a surgeon right away. He said that their surgeon wouldn't come in on Sundays. He sent her to General. She's going there now. "

____________________________________________________________________

UPDATE #2

Doctors without Borders put in an NG tube and pulled out some "green" stuff and that relieved some of the pressure that she had her on tummy. It still looks like a bowel obstruction. They went to General Hospital and a pediatrician saw them. They sent her Mom to buy a bunch of supplies, no surgeon yet. (But maybe this is what they are planning for.)

Please keep praying.

____________________________________________________________________

UPDATE #3

They put in an IV and are consulting on surgery. She will likely have a sonogram then surgery. Please pray that things go well for Christella in surgery and that the surgeon knows how to best help heal her.

Happy Thanksgiving

This came to my email in a very timely matter indeed.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sarah

The Journey by Max Lucado
I drove the family to Grandma’s last night for Thanksgiving. Three hours into the six-hour trip, I realized that I was in a theology lab.
A day with a car full of kids will teach you a lot about God. Transporting a family from one city to another is closely akin to God transporting us from our home to his.
A journey is a journey, whether the destination be the Thanksgiving table or the heavenly one. Both demand patience, a good sense of direction, and a driver who knows that the feast at the end of the trip is worth the hassles in the midst of the trip.
For me, six hours on the road is a small price to pay for my mom’s strawberry cake. I don’t mind the drive because I know the reward. I have three decades of Thanksgivings under my belt, literally. As I drive, I can taste the turkey. Hear the dinner-table laughter. Smell the smoke from the fireplace.
I can endure the journey because I know the destiny.
For some of you, the journey has been long. Very long and stormy. In no way do I wish to minimize the difficulties that you have had to face along the way. Some of you have shouldered burdens that few of us could ever carry. You have bid farewell to life-long partners. You have been robbed of life-long dreams. You have been given bodies that can’t sustain your spirit. You have spouses who can’t tolerate your faith. You have bills that outnumber the paychecks and challenges that outweigh the strength.
And you are tired.
Let me encourage you with a parallel between your life’s journey and the one our family took last night.
It’s worth it.
As I write, the Thanksgiving meal is over. My legs are propped up on the hearth. My tablet is on my lap.
I have every intention of dozing off as soon as I finish this chapter.
The turkey has been attacked. The giblet gravy has been gobbled. The table is clear. The kids are napping. And the family is content.
As we sat around the table today, no one spoke of the long trip to get here. No one mentioned the requests I didn’t honor. No one grumbled about my foot being on the accelerator when their hearts were focused on the banana splits. No one complained about the late hour of arrival.
Yesterday’s challenges were lost in today’s joy.
God never said that the journey would be easy, but he did say that the arrival would be worthwhile.
Remember this: God may not do what you want, but he will do what is right … and best. He’s the Father of forward motion. Trust him. He will get you home. And the trials of the trip will be lost in the joys of the feast.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll close my eyes. I’m a bit tired from the journey, and it feels good to rest.

Sick and in Denial

I have spent the past couple days in great pain. Pain physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Today I broke down and went to urgent care... I have strep throat, so does Sophie and Angeline has an ear infection. When it rains it pours!

The good news is that I got some strong antibiotics and pain killers, so maybe there is hope to feel better for everyone to come over for Thanksgiving. The irony is that I have been to Haiti twice in the past 10 months and have walked away with just bug bites. But Ohio for five days, and I get strep throat. This was the first time in three years I have been to the doctor for an illness. Not too shabby I suppose. The last time was for travel shots when I was going to pick up Angeline.

I haven't been able to bring myself to post about Isaac, IBESR and the drama. I think that if I don't write about it, or talk about it, then maybe it won't be real. ? I think most of all my heart hurts. I am in the grandest of pity parties these days.

On Friday I called IBESR. MB, the director, was out at a conference. The person who answered her line told me to find someone who speaks French next time I call back, and then CLICK. They hung up.

There is a gentleman that works at IBESR that speaks perfect English who I could reach by calling the other line. I talked to him for about 20 minutes and explained the whole situation, I talked a lot about our family, and about our love for Isaac. At first he just wanted to tell me that the laws are changing and that they aren't allowing families with "too much on their hands" to adopt from Haiti anymore. He seemed to be very cold at first, but then I told him about Angeline, and he conveyed to me an honest desire to help. He would find Isaac's file and review it with his supervisor and come up with what we could do next. He even gave me his person cell phone number to call him so that he could translate for MB on Monday. I felt a glimmer of hope and I am so thankful for this nice man. The funny thing he told me is that he won't forget my name, because it's like the peanut butter cups. (He attended school in the US.)

Yesterday morning I called back right at the time he asked me to. He had bad news for me. It was not IBESR that won't sign the file. Apparently there is a man that comes from tribunal court, and this man won't sign the file. When they get 20 or so files, they contact him, and he comes over to sign. He refuses to sign Isaac's file. So talking to MB at IBESR won't do me any good. According to him, she isn't even aware of the file. Because she is the last signature, he mentioned three people at IBESR sign the file after this man has given the approval with his signature. So basically we are right at the beginning of the IBESR process... and have likely been there since... umm... April.

He said that the next step is for my attorney to call a "rendezvous" at IBESR and request this man from tribunal court to be there. He mentioned that we could perhaps try to get Presidential exemption, but he wasn't sure how we go about doing that. He said that this was happening to other families. He specifically mentioned a family with 22 children, many who were now grown, all adopted, and the parents were older. These parents even came to IBESR and requested a meeting and they were still denied the adoption. I asked him what "number" of children is OK? He said sometimes they allow 6... sometimes not? He said with the laws getting ready to change, they are being more picky about the files that get approved and those that don't. I have yet to hear from any other families having these same troubles. And I PRAY heavily that this doesn't continue to happen because I know of other large families adopting from Haiti and I would hate to see them go through this heartache.

He also mentioned that special needs children are sometimes approved when children with no health needs are not approved. He said that if they need to get out of Haiti for health reasons, because of a disability, that they are more lenient on the requirements. Again, nothing too specific there. I just don't want my dear friends to worry themselves sick about this as I am doing.

So for now, I beg you all to keep praying. I am truly hoping for a miracle. I am hoping that my attorney, or one of the attorney's that might work for him, is able to go to IBESR and have a meeting, as well as with the man from tribunal court. (Whose name I have, but who has no contact information that I can find.)

At this point my hands feel very tied. It's hard waiting, praying, and relying on others to advocate for my child. And its especially hard to think of the guilt I have of making my poor son wait longer and longer than he would have had to if he had an adoptive family with 2 children. I know that we are worth the wait though Isaac! I promise you! We have all the experience needed to love you and parent you and teach you! I am sorry though that you have had to wait long, and even longer.

Trying hard not to break. But I am oh so fragile.

Lord, give me some guidance please. Let me know what your will is so that we can find some closure for our family and for Isaac. My children have suffered so much loss in their lives. How will I ever be able to tell them that their baby brother may never come home? I want to stop asking you WHY WHY WHY, but it's so difficult to let this all go and turn it over to you. Give us light in all this darkness, please help my faith remain intact.

Love,

Sarah

Reese Kids Under Pressure

Make sure to turn off the music on the right so you can hear this.
Silly kids!
Lauren, David, Dom, Cole, Grace and Sophie... under PRESSURE!:)
Enjoy!
Sarah

Isaac Update!

Please continue to pray.

There was an "intervention" of sorts. IBESR says that they do not want to sign out Isaac's file because of our family size.

I will be calling them in the morning to plead our case and we are praying for compassion.

(*And praying that we get through to the right person tomorrow... we are calling the director.)

I am numb.

Thank you for praying.

Sarah

Home... quick update

I am home! Bean and I had a great trip and it was nice to catch up with family and friends. There are many highlights that I want to blog about... but it will have to wait. I need to catch up with the kids and then its naptime for me! It feels like dinner time and its only lunch... three hour time difference is a killer.

There is no news on Isaac/IBESR etc. I am trying my best to be patient. The person who was to intervene on the file went there Monday and the person who handles the files at IBESR wasn't there... so... they are checking on it daily? Or something?

I was praying really hard that I would come home to good news... but there is NO news... which I guess is better than BAD news... but it's still frustrating.

I will catch up on phone calls and emails soon. Family time!!

Thanks for continuing to pray.

Sarah

Un-timely bad news

I am so upset I am speechless... but I really need some prayers as well as prayers for Isaac and our adoption... so please understand that I can't go into all the details right now...

Basically there was a miscommunication and Isaac's file is still in IBESR. They are still not signing it out because of our family size. We had thought that he was signed out and already in Parquet (the next step in the process which is courts) and that is in fact, not true.

On Monday they are going in to do an intervention... asking to see the file and make sure that its being worked on to put some pressure on IBESR to sign it out.

I am feeling numb at this point. It's been one miscommunication after another and I don't know what else to do other than pray harder.
And refrain from spouting off at the mouth things I will regret.

And avoid getting on a plane to Haiti to appear in person at IBESR.
And to continue to have faith even though we are let down again.
In the meantime... Isaac lived out his infancy, and toddler years in an orphanage.
I have to go and pack now for Angeline and I... and our adventure to Ohio in the morning.

Thanks for praying.

A Ladies Man... at 2

My son is Prince Charming, I swear.
The first picture you will see him clapping his hands because he is kissing Christy... next comes the big kiss... then you see him convincing Landie to hold his hand... and I just love the Fonzie face that he's making. LOL

(Landie's pics used with her Momma's permission.)

These pictures just crack me up because I can just picture seeing him do this. He is a good negotiator, and has a stubborn personality when he doesn't get his way... maybe he'll be a lawyer someday.




We had good Isaac news! We have been sending pediasure down for him and he has it everyday. (In a bottle, because he refused to drink from a sippie cup for days when they tried to switch him over.)

On November 2, he weighed 21lbs 0.8oz. That is up from October 2 when he weighed 20lbs 10.4oz.

Yeah!! We love to hear that he's gaining some weight despite his non-stop active personality and picky eating tendencies. :)

Oh... and Angeline is in on the Prince Charming act and doesn't even know Isaac yet... except for pictures and video that we have showed her. Be sure to watch the little video clip. Turn the music off so you can hear "I love the Isaac!"
That boy has the little ladies wrapped around his finger!

Too cute.
Happy Wednesday! We are off to the theatre to watch Cirque Works, Birdhouse Factory with Kim and her kiddos.
Blessings,
Sarah

Meet Angenica

Disclaimer: This is hard post to write and surely will be hard post to read. I debating not writing about this at all, but I am on a mission, and have some strong feelings, so it's my blog, and I want to get them out there.

Last week on the largest Haitian adoption group this little girl was brought up. She wasn't named, but she has been come to be known as the "little girl without a voice".

The orphanage that she is in has been under a lot of scrutiny lately and the accusations are running wild. I know that some of them might be true, some of them might be exaggerated, some of them might be lies... and really it's not my job to determine what is true and what isn't. But when an email went out detailing a little girl who has CP and has no voice, left in a crib, lying in her own feces, being chewed on at night by rats... I was concerned just like any other parent who read that.
What begun was a prayer chain for this little girl. A group of people running to action to make a difference and get this little girl the help that she needs. I am not sure who exactly they called, but surely someone at IBESR would take the call, they are after all, Haitian Social Services.
I prayed for the little girl and prayed that if she was truly in such a horrible situation, that there would be some kind of relief for her, some kind of comfort for her precious life, and a better place would be available to her.
I have been thinking heavily about my child, Angeline, and about Christella, Helande, and all of the other Haitian special needs children I have met, or read about. I thought about the conversations that I have had with many people, from many orphanages, clinics, hospitals about the situation for special needs children in Haiti.
My mind was reeling... I thought of Salem's blog and Schinder's dad's thank you message video posted on there... about how he was from a large family and all his siblings were able to get an education but because he has a cleft palate and doesn't look "normal" was never able to get an education. I think about how he tried to get help for his son and his cleft palate, but because of his own appearance was not able to get in to have his son seen.

I thought about conversations with people that I have had about outstanding, really reputable orphanages in Haiti and about the special needs children that they turn away. The babies that are brought in whose parents go seeking help, and who are turned away, and not given a place in the orphanage. Yes this happens all the time. I think I can count on one hand the places that would take in a child with CP. And I wouldn't even need all my fingers. But I think about why they turn these children away and I wonder if it's because the children will languish there and not find families. Or because they don't have the resources available to take them in. Again, I am not here to judge, I am just posting my thoughts.

I thought about the stories I have heard. Two different sources of special needs children being fed to the families animals. A child rescued by a doctor, pulled out of a pig pen where the young child was to be eaten. The babies that are dropped in wells with bricks tied to them, or thrown out in the trash, left in cardboard boxes, tossed in a pile of human waste... the babies made to face the wall at the hospital, left to cry hungry, until they lose their cry and starve to death.
Why?


Maybe because they are a healthy child but the family might not have the money to feed the child. Most often though when I hear of these stories and situations they are special needs children. The family can just have another baby right? They aren't always that heartless. Perhaps they don't want to watch their child suffer until they die... or maybe they don't feel that they have another choice... or perhaps they don't want a child who is different and going to live a life of horror "disabled in Haiti". Or maybe they think that its some kind of voodoo curse.

Then I think about the morgue photos I recently saw from Haiti. The pictures of babies bodies stacked on shelves floor to ceiling. Those pictures will haunt me forever. So many tiny little bodies laying limp upon one another. Likely laying there unclaimed because families can't afford to bury their young, a funeral would cost too much money.

Then I thought more about the little girl without a voice and I thought of some blessings she has, even if she is in despair and suffering in silence. Her alternatives might have been?

I thought about Ella and Bug and how grateful I am that they have families that didn't give up hope. And that are committed to them and loving them.

I have no answers at all.

The next day I got an email with pictures of Angenica. Yes, she has a name. Angenica is looking for her family. Might it be you?

Angenica will be added to Until All Have Homes, to the waiting children in Haiti soon. We are waiting on more specifics about her. Yes, she does have CP and likely is near 6 years old. Probably she doesn't eat very well because of the CP and likely hasn't had any therapy like she would have had if she was born in a different place. If she was geographically blessed as we all are. There's no telling to the extent of her delays and as of right now she requires total care.

I know that there is a family out there for her. I had posted a message on the yahoo group that I was talking about earlier about her. I was hoping that since everyone was so concerned about her someone might come forward and offer her a home and family... Therapy and medical care, a chance at a life. But so far... no one has emailed. :(

I won't judge. I have no right.
If I gave up my life to live and work in Haiti, I would likely start judging a little more. Start laying it out there, the things I see that bother me. But until that time, if it ever comes, I will look for blessings in people's lives. Count mine a bit more, and offer help when I see my help might be useful.

Pray for Angenica.
Sarah

The week in review...

It's been a long week to say the least. We have had bug going around the house and now Robert and I are sick. (Sore throat, headache, fever, stomach ache etc.) Tuesday I spent most of the day listing Tyler's stuff on ebay. He is getting lots of bids, that is good news for Tyler. Today he over chopping wood for Jeremiah and Kim, so his bill will slowly get paid off. He is grounded until he pays it so he is working extra hard to be sure to earn the money back. Good news is that both Danny and Tyler got hired to work at McDonalds. Both of them are having some financial issues at this point so I am glad that there might be and end in sight for their financial woes. But because I spent most of the day on Tuesday taking care of sick kids and doing ebay for Tyler... I am behind on my work and paperwork which doesn't feel so good.

Robert had worked this week and I think that I got a little too comfortable having him home and being able to accomplish so much! I was thankful that he worked though. I think he is off for the next two weeks unless he can pick up some private work for another company.

On Wednesday morning it was Halloween, yeah!! I had gone the night before to get cider and donuts for the kids to have a special treat for breakfast. Well... I had to get up extra early to finish the ebay listings and when the kids woke up, perhaps from being jazzed about the big day coming the next morning, they didn't get enough sleep... they were being hateful to one another. That doesn't make for a very special morning when no one can seem to get along. We had a short family meeting and there were several errands that we needed to run in order to get back in time to do Lulu's hair extensions for her "Belle" costume, get the house clean and start making pizza and caramel apples for the 30 people that were going to be here for Halloween dinner before Trick or Treating started. I was rushing, I admit it.

We got to Costco to find out that the pizza that they used to make, plain cheese and pepperoni was replaced with fancier, not kid friendly pizza's... so we had to buy the supplies to do home made. I was feeling a bit of pressure at this point because everyone was coming at 4pm... that left me 5 hours to finish getting the supplies and get it "all ready".

After Costco I left Lauren in the 15 pass van with the kids while I ran into Sally's to get the stuff to do Lulu's hair. I pulled to van forward in a parking space so that I could just pull out forwards instead of worrying about how I was going to back the big van out. (I always have parking issues in the beast... unfortunately the gas guzzling beast is the only way that we can all ever fit in one vehicle!) Lauren waited in the van with seven kids, I ran in, came out... Lulu had gotten unbuckled and there was a lot of yelling going on telling her to get back in her booster seat and get buckled. Apparently I didn't see the Mercedes that had pulled in next to the van on the passenger side. Because as I pulled forward turning the wheel to the right so that I didn't hit the car parked in the stall in front of us, I clipped the side of the van on the front left corner of the Mercedes and managed to pull off nearly the entire bumper of their car. UGh!!!

The kids were all screaming, "Mom there's a car next to us and your hitting it!"

I called 911 to let them know where I was and that I just hit a car. I wasn't even sure what else to do. They said that since it was on private property that they won't come and I won't be cited. Well, I guess that's a good thing. So I called my insurance company and sent Lauren and Grace to go store to store and figure out whose car this was so that I could give them my insurance information. As they walked towards the plaza a woman walked out of one of the shops and screeched... "MY CAR!!"

WE found her!

She was very nice about the whole thing. She thanked me for staying and not driving off. Although my van is just dented, her car was not able to be driven. We worked things out with the insurance company to get her a tow to the shop, and a rental car... an hour later I was on my way to my last stop for balloons and soda... and we were finally able to get home and get the festivities started. I must say that my children have never been kinder, nicer, sweeter children than they were that afternoon. They walked in the door and jumped right into gear getting things ready for the evening. Danny and Tyler had called right after the accident so they already had most of the house clean before I even got here. I have never been asked so many times "Mom is there anything else we can do to help"

That was a good feeling after such a stinky day!

We had a great Halloween get together. The kids had a fun time trick or treating and everyone was safe, that's the most important thing. The older boys had friends come to help "the dad's" take the kids around and the Moms stayed here with me and we made hot cocoa and warm cider for the crew when they got home. We also enjoyed having time to visit and passed out candy to all the TT's that came to our door. Angeline was so cute saying trick or treat!!

Thursday morning I was feeling dreadful with this bug. We had massage therapy in the morning for Angeline and I had a big home school meeting that night that I missed because I was just exhausted.

Good news came on Thursday though... my dad called to say that the hospital has offered a settlement in my case. It seems fair and we are going to go for it. I will pay about $115 or so per month for 10 years. The total comes out far less than $71K and I am truly thankful for every one's prayers about the whole mess. I was really worried that we might lose our home and I wasn't sure what else we could do other than get a large judgement and then file bankruptcy. (Or pray that the jury trial went in our favor!) This is a huge weight lifted off my mind and phew... I can breathe again!

(Thank you Lord for your perfect timing!) And thanks Dad for being there for me as a father and a lawyer!! I love you. And thanks STM/Metro for seeing the big picture and working with us. :)

So Angeline and I will be going to Ohio next weekend, not for court, but for a visit for a couple days. I am looking forward to seeing family and friends that haven't seen Bean since she was a tiny, very sick little baby. They are going to be amazed.

This weekend we are just catching up on work and putting away the summer clothes and pulling out the wool sweaters! It's getting chilly here!

Lulu is desperate to see the BEE movie, so we might do that too if we have the time.

And maybe some rest so that we can all get better for the week ahead.

Stay warm, stay well, love one another. :)

Blessings,
Sarah

About being a good wife

Thanks so much for the comments on the post with the article about "being a good wife" it was interesting to read different views and opinions on this subject.
(Btw... isn't this picture cute? It is some of the work from this past week.)

I like to think that I take care of my husband and he takes care of me. I try to make sure that the house is clean and dinner is cooked before he gets home. He appreciates when I do this and he thanks me. If I don't do it, and can't manage to be on top of things and he gets home, he helps me to get the house clean, and get the laundry done, and he might even cook dinner or pick up pizza for the family on his way home. He doesn't expect these things to be done, and I think that is where the difference is.

I know not to jump on him when he walks in the door with the shortcomings of the day. I give him a chance to shower and get relaxed before I let loose on him. He is there to listen to me, react and show interest in what I did during the day, just as I am for him. I think the most disturbing part of the article was about how a the importance of a woman's day is insignificant compared to what her husband went through the day. That's pretty depressing!

The absolute worst part was about the husband not coming home on time, or coming home at all... come on now folks... we all know that if our husbands didn't show up after work until the next morning we would be very upset to say the least. (There are 24 hour locksmith's available to change the locks...) Which is what I would be doing.

I am thankful that I am part of a team. Where my husband takes care of me, and I take care of him. The more love I give, the more I receive in return. I do these things because I want to not because I HAVE to. I think I am a good wife and that I have a good husband. :) I am truly glad its 2007.
Blessings,
Sarah